Category: Social Media

It is that time again – the best Kiwi tweets of the month: October 2012 edition!

Bus Tweets
@toryhipster Pro tips to freak out people staring at your from their bus as you wait for yours: make eye contact. Lick your lips continually.
@RachelRayner Teen at bus stop looked at my outfit-full skirt to beehive ‘do-not with scorn but with trepidation, as if worried she’s missed a style memo.
@gossip_dork “catching a bus is like timesharing a stretch limo” – things I tell myself to avoid suicide

TV Tweets
@formerlydaniels That was so nice of Ben Stiller to do the Energywise ads
@damianchristie The shopping channel reminds me of a game where you give someone a bunch of P then get them to talk about some crap they found in a drawer.
@KerreWoodham Dear Santa let’s make it easier for you this year – NOTHING from the Shopping Channel.
@DawgBelly Lets make it a rule, whoever votes in #nzgt can’t vote in the general election.

Welcome to Auckland
@josiecampbell I’ve been looking for a house for almost a week now, and I still haven’t found one. Getting into the property market is hard!
@TophHooperton Pull up at a red light. Man in the next car leans out the window for a cheeky vom. Welcome to Henderson.
@ginblossom If you did the Auckland Marathon this morning, well done. I’ve just woken up, so we’ve all achieved something today.

Welcome to Christchurch
@beckeleven Just saw people in the park doing sit ups with a hunk of rubble as the extra ballast.

Stay classy, New Zealand
@lmfbs I dropped a bottle of ranch sauce & it broke. The smell make me throw up in my dishwasher. So, how do you clean puke out of a dishwasher?
@eliterate Small boy wants to know what the ducks are doing. Ahem. It’s spring. They are… ducking.
@CyrisXD Ironically the Weight Watchers website requires you to have cookies disabled.
@Mellyski I haven’t closed my curtains in my room in months, I change in my room. Peeping toms who are into flat chested midgets would love it.
@rosiecd Mr 2 just did a fart so big he turned round and checked floor behind him.
@vegrandis Even when you’re having an ugly fat day remember,there’s always a pervert out there, touching himself in the bushes who’ll find u attractive
@AnnaGConnell Have a thigh high split up one side of my muumuu. Basically Angelina Jolie right now.

Stay classy, Facebook
‏@paulbrislen for some reason Facebook thinks I’d be interested in lingerie. I hardly ever WEAR lingerie so I’m puzzled.
@nikkitheknitter Haaaaahahaha Watching someone on FB give unsolicited advice to 40 wks pregnant woman. Explosion of rage in 3…. 2…. 1…
@TophHooperton I just hid a Facebook ad for rubber shoes with individual toes for being sexually explicit.

Stay classy, PinkDeedle
@pinkdeedle Catholic upbringing 0. Libido 2.
@pinkdeedle Honestly. Third iPhone lost to toilet.
@pinkdeedle I’m like “ha ha 2 year old I tricked you into having medicine” she’s all “ha ha joke’s on you I threw it all up in bed”.

Sending the Old Mout Cider prize pack @beckeleven‘s way this month – living in a hap-hazard earthquake zone sucks, but cider is awesome. Sorted.

It’s that time: The best Kiwi tweets of September 2012 are right here!

Awake
@beekaynz I was woken at 5:40am by three little words to warm my heart “Doing poo, Mummy”.
@gurrlwithacurl 5.20am is brought to you by the dulcet tones of the cat fight.

Stay Classy!
@DomHarvey Dom: I see you have my book in store. Have you sold any yet? St Lukes Whitcoulls: Let me just check the computer……..no.
@JaredNeilsen Glade has ruined walking in parks! The smell of fresh cut flowers now reminds me of restrooms…
@astruc I wish breasts weren’t on your chest but on your neck, so you’d always have a pillow to lean your chin on
@_HannahTweets_ Also. I think that if your razor head breaks completely off when you attempt to shave your legs you should probs just remain celibate.
@pinkdeedle I like to think of my @TradeMe feedback as my sex feedback. “delivers goods promptly!” “fast and friendly. Highly recommended”. “A+”.
@liltoastfairy Listening to one child threaten to “actually shit on you. Using real poos” should probably get up now
@UrzilaCarlson I can get a fart out without squeezing!

Lost in Translation
@daihenwood The upside of not speaking the language of the country you are in means you get very good at charades. Although my mime for mouthwash… mmmm
@AliIkram Given the PMs accent almost committed us 2 a war last week his decision not to raise Pussy Riot with Putin is wise.

NZ tweets
@mikokiko Hey snobby lady. Ohakune called. They want their carrot back.
@LOLGASMS I want a coke bottle with my name on it. But alas, my name is not Hemi or Tavita, so I’ll have to go without
@BitchAboutDevo Lol the Takapuna Grammar kids are glaring at us cause we took the back row of the bus fuck off we have NCEA L3

This is the modern age
@nzmikewilson To find out who views your Facebook profile the most, look in the mirror.
@RachelRayner Lady at next table, upon receiving her cocktail: “Whoa, shit! That’s an intagrammer!”
@angusbhodgson HELP. HOW DOES ONE TURN OFF THEIR OWN SECURITY ALARM. I’VE RUN OUTSIDE AND STARTED TWEETING. THAT’S NOT WORKING.
@Kiwi_Chatter My latest follower is 13 and a christian. Do I block her for her sake?
@paulbrislen I write about telcos, and get ten replies. Copyright gets me 20. Tell everyone about my cat… 350+. You guys are weird.
@jacindaardern Very serious man in an air force uniform next to me on plane instantly looks less serious when his iPad comes out for a round of angry birds
@meganebs So uh, Peaches and Cream sell sex toys and Peaches and Creme sell yarn. Thanks for that moment of confusion, Google.
@TaneBufton Hey auto correct, quit tampering with my swear words, you mother forklift.

Best use of a hashtag:
@cjlambert quick other banks! *cue rolling thunder switch campaigns #blackhorsedown

The name I pulled out of the hat (thanks, @VinLew) this month was @paulbrislen – Paul, you get that delicious Old Mout prize pack! Be sure to follow @OldMoutCider so they can sort you out 🙂

August: There were Olympic games, we discovered depresso, and New Zealand did not stay classy. Read on!

Life, eh?
@katjnz Inflation is clearly hitting the begging game. Just got asked if I had a spare $10.
@FrancesCook The Ministry of Justice has such peppy hold music. Almost makes the last half an hour less annoying.
@_HannahTweets_ I have some concerns about the amount of sequins I found in our living room this morning. Considering I live with boys.
@ajaystwtr Just watched the Call Me Maybe video for the first time. Did not expect that twist in the end. Gripping. Intense. A+++
@scuba_nurse I need to stop checking men out at a gay rights event… I’m an idiot
@kennewell Roasting a chicken. Because my life is a white-knuckle adventure ride of sin and degradation.
@MeghanMutrie New word: depresso. When you haven’t had your coffee yet.

Stay Classy!
@Meegandale83 Is it wrong to dislike Hayley Holt because she pashed Richie and all I got was a restraining order?
@_victoriajayne_ Oh Upper Hutt. The parade of leggings as pants, a bad dye job, illegitimate children with made up names and rolly cigarettes.
@TophHooperton FYI, when you say #ttrttpt, it just sounds like you ended your tweet by emitting a pretty sizeable and lengthy fart.
@MoataTamaira I might *read* “sent from my iPhone” but I’m *thinking* “sent from the toilet”.
@pinkdeedle If u accidentally hit your kid with a drawer just laugh and clap and pretend it’s a game. She may even get u to do it again.
@Naly_D Flatmate and I just taught the others how to make raisin whistles. You can tell the Decile 1 kids even as adults.
@vegrandis As a woman I was lead to believe that you could make strong men weep and take down cities with your vagina. >:[ I can’t even get free fries
@Kiwi_Chatter Had another back at high school dream. This time there were girls at Auckland Grammar which was great except I was my age now, not so good.
@JaneYee Superman may be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, but I can catch baby vomit with my bare hands.
@ginblossom Just realised that talking ‘hands-free’ in the wine section of the supermarket, makes me look like I’ve hit rock bottom.

Ponderings
@chizchizchiz if you are a vegetarian for ethical reasons and have a cat or dog, do you still feed them meat products?!
@chavahkinloch Does your rubbish truck driver guy sit outside your driveway for 5 minutes and watch you unload your groceries? No? Just mine?
@DomHarvey Why is it that when a girl sleeps with a bunch of guys, she’s a slut? But when a guy does it, all of a sudden he’s gay?

The Olympics
@AngeBloomfield Yay for Olympic Gold!! The new beef and lamb ambassador’s have been found!!
@Chris_Brain I watched NZ win 2 gold medals on my phone in a paddock & then ate potato chips that tasted like prawns. HG Wells was right about the future
‏@Nakiman Um um cos this is the summer Olympics “@AjARock: Could somebody please tell me why ice hockey is not an Olympic sport?!”
@josiecampbell No amount of training can prepare you for the Olympics. I stare at a screen at work, and even at home, but this is truly exhausting.
@TophHooperton THROW THE BALLS YOU BEAUTIFUL MASSIVE LADIES
@snappy_nz New Zealand now top the medals per exploding barbecues at fan bases table.
@TroyRF “The medal will be presented by His Royal Highness…” [girls shriek] “…Prince Faisal of Jordan.” [girls groan]
‏@DaveSmarty Black Caps get more coverage than a paralympics bronze for NZ in the news because the Black Caps are clearly way more disabled.

Politics
@GarethMP Just called Russian Embassy to say I’d be over today to hand over a Pussy Riot protest letter. In heavy Russian: ‘You want visa?’ LOL
@BexieLady Are we going to find out in a month or so that Colin Craig is Sacha Baron Cohen’s latest character?
@richardboock wish maggie barry would follow her own advice: only comment on euthanasia once she’s tried it…
@kiaoraclint Parliament, and Parliament TV has all the makings of a hunger games. Lock the doors. Get Banks.

The name I pulled out of the hat (read: jabbed my finger at the screen until it landed on a name) this month was @ajaystwtr – so you get that delicious Old Mout prize pack! Be sure to follow @OldMoutCider so they can sort you out 🙂

A big one this month – between the Olympics, your technology woes, and the old classic “stay classy” tweets, there’s a lot to love from July.

Tweets like these are why Twitter exists
@Dovil Breaking: Govt to sell Waitangi Tribunal.
@KatinEdinburgh Ugh. Hipster kid in Starbucks wearing a 1984 sweatshirt. I feel so old.
@Sezlinc You go to town, squeeze out a baby, get some sushi, come home & cuddle said baby. Voila!
@natstrats Nice new BMW lady, did no one show you where the indicators are? It’s inefficient for me to mouth “where are you going?” and you to point.
@aberopitini I woke up with a sock on my foot but there was no sock when I went to sleep.
@Kiwi_Chatter Not mentioning any names, but one of my wives shrunk my hoodie in the wash.
@JaredNeilsen Purchased a car via Turners in Jan, subscribed to their e-letter since. Subject line this month: “Sick of driving a heap of junk?” Um…
@di_twhitter Just found a rogue scrabble tile in the rug. Now have tile paranoia and am counting all tiles to assess the situation.

Technology, eh.
@ryansallan My iPhone just autocorrected ‘gay’ to ‘hey’. If it had gone for ‘Haaaaaaay’ I’d have been more impressed
@badtom I’m glad I stopped autocorrect from changing “maneater” to “manatee”. That could have been taken the wrong way.
@VinLew Oh TelstraClearNZ is popular in Mosgiel? I didn’t know they had electricity.
@steffenrusten FFS, do not email me to tell me that I’ve been unsubscribed from your email list.
@iChild Ah, nothing like unnecessary threatening emails from a Trade Me seller to start my day.
@antsgardiner Send email. Check I included the attachment. Re-send email.
@amiemccarron I think I will cross-stitch a paranoid android robot dreaming about apple eating his baby on the back of my iphone
@Tarquin_Death I’m getting Facebook ads for duty free booze, Ugg boots and McDonalds. South Auckland, I think I have your Facebook

Man Tweets
@structconz I’ve already used the word testicles in a sentence this morning. This week is going to be a good one.
@ryansallan The Lynx product stand at the chemist is almost sold out. I’m disappointed in my gender.

50 Shades of Yuck
@BitchAboutDevo I came home to find mum reading 50 Shades Of Grey. I blame all of you.
@SpeelyFreaking My tweets are exactly like 50 Shades Of Grey. Only lonely women read them.
@Batman_NZ Just watching a dude buy his young teenage daughter the 50 shades box set at the Warehouse in New Lynn.

Olympics!
@rhysiedarby BBC commentary: “The NZ rowers are a little rough around the edges.” – yeah that’s how we like it. We’ll wait for you at the finish bro.
@katie_skatie Oh, & Olympics Gods… thanks for making weightlifting terminology so fun. “In her snatch” is the best! Followed closely by the clean jerk!
‏@SylviaGiles I wanna spoon with some of these male gymnasts

What is a TOTM without a ‘Stay Classy, NZ’ section?
@Mamamsosweet One of my students just asked me how to write the pause sign… worked out he meant a comma
@philwalter Both the ladies in the house have Lady pains. Shoot me.
@xCaron I just picked a quality scab off my elbow… You’re welcome.
@Naly_D The neighbours have been drinking wine & keep laughing, it sounds like when i lived by the zoo & could hear the gibbons
@ColeyTangerina Brb just gonna shave my workmate.
@AnnaGConnell There’s a guy wearing a horse head playing ‘God Save the Queen’ on a clarinet on Queen St. Just thought you should know.
@TophHooperton That awkward moment when you make eye contact with the person stealing herbs from your front garden.

The person who got the most nominations this month was @ColeyTangerina – so you get that delicious Old Mout prize pack! Be sure to follow @OldMoutCider so they can sort you out. Congrats!

June’s tweets of the month include rollypolys, fracking, angry busdrivers and even a sealed section!

Our lovers and their judgements
@richardboock ‘you’ve got good legs’, says @boock_unedited, running an appraising eye over me. ‘just a pity about you stomach and face’… #shopping
@vegrandis I have horrendous taste in men. My type is: People who like me. I should know not to get with them, look at their taste in girls. Terrible.

The Breeders
@Nightwyrm At Chipmunks with what appears to be the entire child population of Tawa. I’ve truly entered a circle of hell.
@rosiecd Mr 6 challenged me to do a rolly poly. He would not wait till wine o’clock. I did one. I now understand why old peoples bones break.
@Polychromantics Oh God i just realised that when kids look at me they think I’m an adult

Stay Classy, New Zealand
@c_scotty Guy sitting next to me at the rugby has his iPhone sealed in a glad zip lock back… Also has a dirty mullet #betterlivingeverybody
@TroyRF Apparently I left the housekeys in the front door. Car still there, which means either a) Very lucky, or b) Undesirable car. Either’s good.
@VinLew I wish I had a photo of myself halfway through sneezing hot chocolate out my nose.
@melhomer Am contemplating buying sushi, undoing it and then redoing it so it looks home made for kids dance shared dinner. a new low.
@pinkdeedle Honestly if I had a pet turtle I’d just hold it and sob.
@RussellClarkNZ It is officially onesy season
@hdpaONENEWS The bus driver’s pausing at stops, opening the doors then shutting them before anyone walking towards the bus can reach it. I’m on his side.
@angusbhodgson William and Kate told Key that they’ll visit NZ at some point. Of course they did. As if they’d say no. John Key is our embarrassing uncle.
@el_stepho I just discovered my mum’s secret family recipe for Macaroni Cheese. She conveniently published it in the Edmonds Cookbook.
@DanRockNZ Seriously Twitter. I will NEVER follow Taylor Swift. Unless she gets naked. Then I will. For a bit.
@pinkdeedle Accidentally pashed a dog. Long story. Bull mastiff.

First World Problems
@Jacob_Mills If I was on the voice and only Jessie J turned around I’d be like sorry I’ll try again next time.
@amiewee Chased a hedgehog up someone’s driveway in the rain trying to get an instagram of it. Failed.
@thelittlepakeha someone has listed a giant centipede in the Pets > Other section of trademe. not even joking.
@paudecanela_nz to the person who got to my blog by searching for “sell my used panties – kerikeri”: don’t. just don’t.
@beekaynz Sorry? What was that? I can’t hear you over the rain hitting the windows like millions of demented moths round a lightbulb.
@Margie186 Doing lots of typing, deleting, not tweeting tonight.
@MsAngelaBeswick Same pose. Every photo.
@Chris_Brain Damn it. I left my Rihanna cd near my Chris Brown cd and now it’s all scratched.

In the workplace
@Hilary_Barry I don’t know why I feel uncomfortable saying “fracking” on the news, I just do.
@Nightwyrm Apparently skipping out the office door, cackling hysterically is not considered professional.
@Tarquin_Death Boyfriend Boss sends email w subject ‘can you load these gorgeous?’ I cc in client on reply & neglect to change subject. SO EMBARRASSED NOW
@JuliusMaskell In work toilets are you supposed to use the same cubicle each time or change it up?
@roxyleopold Listening to my work colleague talk about how much they hate butter. So confused.

AO content!
@amiewee OMFG loading a porno mag into Adobe Reader & telling it to ‘Read Out Loud’ is making me cry with laughter.
@chowda_head Lol. Someone on FB complaining about their kids. Females are sympathetic, male posts “should’ve swallowed”. Sorry. I did laugh at that.
@melhomer “hey mum what’s a blowjob?” well that just shut the conversation down in this car…..
@Stitchpunk Paper cut from a sanitary pad wrapper. That’s a bit bloody harsh.
@BexieLady @meaglee, would you still go to hanmer with me if I got bikini bottoms that look like my vagina area has teeth?

The lovely @AliCopeman drew @melhomer out of the hat, so both of you collect a cidery reward! Be sure to follow @OldMoutCider so they can sort you out.