It’s that time again – here’s January’s Best Kiwi Tweets!
I was made for such a life as this
pikelet I want to be the person who gently brushes minks and collects their hairs to make false eyelashes. I have finally found my career path.
DrJared I’m so radioactive I can’t be near small children or pregnant people for 36hrs. I have a half life of 110min.
Herp derp
TroyRF A WWF collector came to the door. It took me a few seconds to register that it wasn’t a fundraiser for the Ultimate Warrior’s lunch.
Rachel_Smalley So if @newtgingrich becomes US President, he’ll set up a Man Colony on the moon. Excellent. I could think of a few blokes I’d send… 😉
Beady_Eye_Anita I almost choked on a cherry tomato, after I was done choking, I sneezed out parts of the tomato through my nose. Lovely.
Does anyone know if there’s a sale this weekend?
stevebiddle A 30-60% off sale at Briscoes this weekend. Better get in quick, this deal won’t be repeated until next weekend.
SpeelyFreaking JUST STOP IMPORTING TOO MANY RUGS AND VACUUM CLEANERS!
brentrobinsonz Whoa!!! Godfreys has a sale on this weekend!!! :O
AaronM_NZ OMG Godfreys are having an Once Only This Week Annual Sale this weekend! #newbriscoes
TophHooperton What the Bigsave ads don’t show you: after she crashes into that pile of boxes and starts a fire, seven warehouse workers died in the blaze.
guymontgomerynz How trendy is the new Harvey Norman headphones ad when the hand comes in and scratches the vinyl? As a young person that really speaks to me
Kids, eh?
Becs The. Good Thing about being a mum is you can’t wallow too long in self-pity. 2yo woke to ask if I had a ‘gina. Yes I do. Lol.
alronberg That awkward parenting moment when you navigate the learning of the word “firetruck”
ReporterRachel My 3-year-old cousin is very upset with me – he waved at the TV when I was on last night and I didn’t wave back.
rosiecd Oh, forgot to tweet funny moment during dinner, mr 2 farted, & it was long enough to look down & meet each of our eyes with an evil grin.
Twitter, eh?
nzJayZee There have been so many good plans made on twitter today. from beard harvesting to recipes where the ingredient is just shitloads of cheeses
dpfdpf I have no idea who I am or why anyone follows me
_lisasaurus I like to make my tweets 140 characters long so people find it hard to retweet and comment at the same time. monkey banana poop i like pies.
Life, eh?
BitchAboutDevo Low point of this week: Finding a used condom wrapper on the floor in the “teen section” at work. #supre
not_friends I was getting annoyed at Federer and then I remembered that I actually like Nadal just as much and don’t care who wins. Then I found $10.
beekaynz Oh lordy. Drunk on whiskey and Daddy issues.
justjussi i need to lose weight, if human eating aliens invaded they would regard me as a “sometimes” food
BenTorkington Auckland hospital loses psych patient, inadvertently lets him design carpark.
AdageBusiness Not sure what to answer when I’m asked “when you giving up fags?”
BR3NDA Tranzmetro may need to admit they’re a bus company, and sometimes trains replace buses.
There’s no judgement here! Just kidding. There’s heaps of judgement.
monique_nz Am not judgmental or intolerant of such things, but the men wearing last season Karen Walker dresses and heels always make me look twice.
TroyRF The holiday home where we’ve stayed requires guests to leave it as they found it. I must be on “male body hair all over the bathtub” duty.
CyrisXD It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.
thelittlepakeha LOL I just farted and Jasper stopped eating and looked up like “what was that?” Sorry, bunny.
Rachel Rayner starts a tribe
The following is a transcript of true tweets.
Walked down to the shops for the exercise. Now at the bus stop with a load of groceries wondering if it was all a mistake.
You know, it probably would have worked out the same, calorie-wise if I stayed home and just ate dried cinnamon for the rest of the week.
Plan: begin a new life at the bus stop. I have supplies & by the time my phone runs out I will’ve tamed a flock of pigeons for food/company.
The bus is now 15 minutes late. A young man appears. Rachel becomes quickly enamoured.
I will make him a romantic dinner of raw chicken and silverbeet, and we will live happily ever after at the bus stop.
Now there are two dudes and a lady at my bus stop. JOIN US. FOR OUR NEW SOCIETY SHALL BE JUST AND FREE.
I bet this how colonisation happens. Pretty soon someone’s going to say, “it’d be quicker to settled a new country & build our own busses.”
A BUS! It’s a Christmas miracle!
Because of her terrible disaster with the bus, I’m going to declare Rachel Rayner our Tweeter of the Month! Congrats, and make sure you’re following @OldMoutCider so they can send you a case of deliciousness 🙂
Awesome pearls of wisdom. Thanks for the belly laugh!