Five things that make me irrationally angry

There’s plenty of things out there to make you genuinely angry – poverty, child abuse, atom bombs – but what about first world anger?

Here’s a list of the stuff that gets my knickers in a knot.

1. SUV-owning city dwellers.

Bless, some of you are my friends, but I stand by what I’m about to say: There is no decent reason why you need an SUV. They’re big. They’re annoying. You’re not safer in them. In fact, they not only have a higher chance of killing anyone they hit, but also a much higher chance of rolling. Plus, you know, gas guzzling and shit. Oh, and while you’re super-excited about being able to see everything else on the road, no one can see around you, so they’re gonna drive a bit crazy.

The worst of it, though, is people who use a big car as a status symbol. What’s so bad in your life that you have to use an oversized vehicle to make you feel important?

See also: People who have those stick figure families on their cars. If Satan had a car, it’d have a stick figure family on it, and you’d be the mum.

2. People who rip popular content for their YouTube Channel.

I know some people do this for curation reasons, and if you have a YouTube partnership, you can claim and block those videos, but it still seems really, really rude for people to use other’s videos to drive subscriptions to their own channel.

See also: People who have exactly the same quality video as every other one but say “BEST VERSION”. Lies. All lies.

See also: Thumbnails and titles that tell you it’s a particular video, but when you click on it’s it’s a reaction video.

See also: YouTube annotations begging for thumbs up and subscriptions. Ugh.

See also: People who rip Vines to Facebook. But Vine really does need to up their game.

3. Everything about Pak n Save.

I used to work there, which is probably where it all started. I love how cheap everything is there. So cheap. But you know what I don’t love? Yellow lighting. Fruit and vege mazes. No shopping baskets. How everyone stops to chat at the end of EVERY. SINGLE. AISLE. OKAY. I HAVE TO STOP WRITING THIS NOW BECAUSE MY EYEBALLS ARE FILLING WITH BLOOD.

4. Cyclists who wear lycra at cafes.

Dude, I can see your privates. I’m just sitting here, trying to enjoy my eggs bene and you’re putting your fluoro crotch in my eyeline. Okay so *maybe* you’re in the middle of a 150km race and you stopped off at Mission Bay circa 62nd km to get a flat white and some french toast, but chances are you’re out for a ride with your lycra-clad mates and you’ve made a conscious decision to refuel in public. None of us want to see the outline of your sweaty man-appendage.

Next time I have brunch, I’m wearing a hot pink pair of leggings, I’m going to give myself atomic camel toe and I’m going to stand in front of you until you’re done.

5. Halloween.

More commercial crap so that we can spend money we probably don’t have buying things we don’t need. Also, encouraging your kids to ask strangers for lollies is redic. I get that dressing up is fun, but we still have a chance to not make Halloween a thing in New Zealand. There’s still hope for us. Don’t buy into the consumerism.

Also if any of your little shits turn up at my house begging for chocolate, I will deliberately scar them for life.

I own hot pink leggings, remember.