Tag: tweets of the month

Compiled by Belinda Too

As we’ve been enjoying this glorious endless summer all February long, our tweets have provided a curious record of what we’ve been up to. Some pretty weird stuff, it turns out.

Please put down your coffee so you don’t spray it out your nose over your keyboard.

Amazing True Stories of Twitter
MsBeeton Googling ‘when blowing nose water bubbles out of eye’. Yeah that happened.
Pilot_Magazine Just casually sitting in a maserati with an ex Russian military intelligence officer on the way to a super yacht. True story.
davidfarrier day off. at the beach. a flower fell on my back and I screamed. look forward to what other terrors await.
CyrisXD Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog.. my bad dude.. my bad.
THE_VONK 11 is a lot of puppies to squirt out of one dog aye?
ghewgill rmi Do let us know if you start growing tentacles. Somebody from the internet will be by to take pictures.

Keep It Classy, NZ (this is what Twitter is for, amirite?)
BrightBlackNZ Just sassed a 14 y/o girl for making fun of a pregnant lady for being ‘fat.’ I said “I’d be nice if I was you. That’ll be you in a year.”
robertandjono I bet that 19 year old dude with 13 kids has named them all after cars and Eminem songs
Covlin Just walked FULLY into a pole while tweeting. Knocked completely over. Totally pretended like nothing happened. Now my head and penis hurt.
WayneHatesFruit The prostitute outside of Dick Smith’s said “mmm mmm mmm” to me. Oh yeah, I’ve still got it…
emmalouisejohn Thought I had terrible dark circles under my eyes this am. Turns out it was last night’s make up. Mixed emotions.
kirsty_johnston Drying my hair out the window on the motorway enroute to a press conference. All class
NessOldfield Young woman rocking her leopard print onsie. Go Te Atatu Peninsula. #HappyFriday

Crafting Tips to Prevent Embarrassment
natdudley Related: hold onto your ball of yarn when the flight is landing to prevent it rolling all the way down the aisle.

The Pope  (if you had your filters on, you missed everything, sadly even people inviting you out for eggs benedict)
farmgeek So the retired Pope will live in the Vatican, neighbour to the new Pope. Best new sitcom premise ever?
@robtreacher “Former Pope” would be pretty cool to have on the old cv.

Valentine’s Day was Just Another Day
pinkdeedle My boyfriend text me. “happy valuations day”. Oh.
DanniiGardiner Some call it valentines day but I call it Thursday
RyanSproull Can’t believe no one’s endorsed me for “Long Walks on the Beach” on LinkedIn yet.

Jokes I Laughed At
NZCoroner #YOLO
guywilliamsguy “Farming confidence down” – Come on farmers you’re doing a great job! Those gumboots look great on you by the way!

And the winner of February’s Tweet of the Month is @CyrisXD for the leapfrog-gone-wrong story! Enjoy your cider, and you can follow them too @OldMoutCider

Thank you Cate for allowing me to be a guest editor – it’s been fun compiling this list.  I hope you have all laughed a lot and now have new hilarious people to follow. love, @blendy

Compiled by Vicky Rawhiti-Forbes

As it should be during summer holidays, we spent a great deal of the past month drinking. Then we went back to work and watched cat videos.  One generous tweep shared extracts from her teenage diary, and we may never look at Oprah the same way again. Here are January’s tweets of the month.

Bottoms up
@BenQuigan I’m too drunk, too many waiheke
@nikkitheknitter I’m at the stage where it feels appropriate to finish other’s abandoned glasses of wine at the table. #weddingettiquite #quitedrunk
@AshleyCnz Shingle Peak says its new 500ml bottle is “perfect for two”. I think it’s misspelled one
@DanniiGardiner So I just woke up handcuffed to myself. What happened last night #hensnight
@annemjw Signs the person you are hanging with may have had A Night? Powerade-blue tongue.
@Robbo_Junior I’m having fruit salad for lunch. It’s mostly grapes. All grapes actually. Fermented grapes. Ok, I’m having wine for lunch.

Face, meet palm
@beanbiz Read the ‘rinse just before use’ label on the blueberries. After demolishing them all. Do I drink a glass of water to now to clean them?
@TroyRF Mum: “How do we cremate a frog?” Brother: “Do we put it on a toothpick?” Decision: Burial. #FrogRF
@RachelRayner Watching cat videos. Ad: Are you single? Meet men near you! Shut up, YouTube, stop judging my choices.
@TophHooperton Something huge with a lot of legs crawled across my bed and then Kaiser Soze disappeared before I could fight it. #hyperventilating
@pinkdeedle I just dried myself with a tea towel after a shower. Must do washing.
@CyrisXD Person is typing…Person is typing…Person is typing…Person is typing…Person is typing…Person: Hi.

Like a boss
@MeghanMutrie Slow clap to Oprah’s team for figuring out how to get men to openly watch Oprah.
@CateOwen Bought a bunch of those naff stick figure car decals and have been slowly adding to the neighbour’s collections. Only God can judge me.
@hamish_keith Someone knocked on the door and asked what did I think the “personal name of Gd was?” I suggested Fred and they went off in a huff
@EstherStephens_ Dear neighbours. If your shit music is loud enough for me to shazam and establish what bullshit you are listening to, IT’S TOO DAMN LOUD.
@kittenypentland Tomorrow I am going to go up to a bald man and ask him if his carpet matches his drapes. I suggest you do the same.

Kiwi as
@cathmarygeorge Sat next to some Americans at lunch who were quite disappointed that the kiwi burger at McDs here didn’t have actual kiwi in it
@JennySuo My mother on the NZ Police force: “They don’t even get to use guns! They run around with those tweezers instead!”
@kirsty_johnston You know, when the early settlers nicknamed Russell “the hell-hole of the Pacific” they’d obviously never envisaged Waitakere District Court

The diary of a teenaged tweep
@BoganetteNZ happened upon a diary from her teen years. We spent the evening glued to Twitter while she quoted gems from her journal and added comments from her older, wiser self.

• “Mum told me to fuck off 2day. She is such a fucked whore of satan slut bitch cunt. I’m going to kill her, steal her pills and sell them”
• Oh Jesus. “MY FUNERAL: play Dolphins Cry, bury me with my Marlborough lights, party at K Bar afterwards, red coffin please” LIVE? LIVE?
• “I love Jax so much I can’t even breathe my lungs are made of water. Fuck my mum is a whore. I hope she dies.” Who the fuck is Jax?
• “I am actually having the best week. Other than my mum being a fucking whore. I want to stab her every day”
• “We are going to the beach today!! I got a new bikini I look ok. Better than that fucking whore Gemma. Also I got a kitten! So cute”
• “I am so in love with David” Let me guess…David gets a hand job? I’m like Oprah. You get a handjob! And you get a handjob!

This month’s winner of some delicious cider is @BenQuigan. Thanks, Old Mout! Make sure to follow them: @OldMoutCider.

And thanks to Cate for putting her baby in my care this month. What a fun way to start the year!

Cate’s note: I hope you’ve all enjoyed Vicky’s sweet tweet choices, and thanks again for all your nominations – I couldn’t do this without all of you! I have enough guest editors to see us through to August, so I’ll put another call out in the middle of the year. If you’d like to be a guest ed, keep your eyes peeled for that.

Here are answers to some of the frequently asked questions I get about Tweets of the Month.

How do you pick who appears in TOTM?
Thoughout the month, I keep an eye out for tweets that are either really funny, or really poignant. People also nominate tweets they enjoy. I make sure they meet the criteria, cull it for size, and then publish. Sometimes I’ll ask guest editors to do it on my behalf.

What is the criteria for TOTM?
You need to be in NZ, or be a Kiwi abroad. Sometimes I’ll include infamous tweets about New Zealand. The other important note is that the tweet has to make sense outside of context – i.e. it doesn’t work to read an in-joke out of context a few weeks later.

The tweet also has to be ‘alive’ at the time of publish – if the author deletes the tweet, I won’t publish it.

How can I nominate someone?
The best way is to tweet me a link to the tweet you want to nominate. I prefer to not have the nominee cced in just in case the tweet doesn’t meet the criteria or make the cut. Failing that, you can send me the tweet. Thank you all so much for your nominations – even if I don’t use them all, I appreciate them all.

Can someone with a private account be nominated?
Yes. I’ll ask their permission before I publish the tweet.

Can I get a tweet removed from the list?
Yes. Just send me a message.

Do you only pick your friends?
People nominated include a mix of people I know, and people I don’t. I don’t care if I know the person or not, I don’t care if they’ve been in every single TOTM before. In a nutshell, if the tweet makes me laugh or think, and it meets the other criteria, it’ll probably be in there. I’ve followed some amazing new people thanks to other people’s nominations.

How long have you been doing this for?
Since 2009. You can read my first TOTM on the blog it started on.

How do you get the prizes?
Companies sometimes approach me, asking to partner on TOTM. I figured it would be nice to give a treat to someone, so that’s why y’all get some goodies. They have no say on the editorial content of TOTM.

Any more qs just hit me up in the comments.

Time for the best Kiwi Tweets of November! There were a LOT of nominations this month – it’s great to see some fresh faces amongst our regulars! Thanks to everyone who messaged me your favourites.

Parenting Tweets
‏@harvestbird Based on a sample set of two, everyone is teething. You, clearly, are teething. Those buildings there are teething. This desk is teething.
@bobsyauncle I love this time of year & being able to invoke “Santa’s Naughty List” blackmail
@MsKateMcD 7 yr old daughter opens birthday card from grandparents, finds generous birthday cheque. Looks at it, bewildered – “what is it?”
@jamesotron Just rang the phone in the kitchen to tell the 8yo to get dressed so I didn’t have to get up
@delphijunkie Miss 14 is at home studying today. Apparently Spongebob is on the curriculum this year
@CherylBernstein “I always eat the gingerbread man’s head first, Mum, because otherwise he has to watch himself die, which is a bit mean.”

That New Zealand feel
@Atomic_Moog Yes, the Black Caps are playing on Sky Sport tonight RT @lisalooloo70: Is there a Sunday horror?
@BexieLady “I don’t sleep with guys in their cars, the boys I sleep with don’t have cars!” Oh Christchurch, full of great comebacks and class.
@shazndolly when I woke up it was all Trelise and sunny. Now its cloudy and Glassons 🙁
@kebabette The only way I could be more bored by The Hobbit is if it starred Kim Dotcom, Dan Carter, and a big jar of marmite.
@Dovil Hekia Parata should finish off each set of meaningless ramblings with a flourish of jazz hands and a canon shooting glitter.

Stay Classy
@Sidawg2 Saw someone flip the bird to a passing car today and then immediately walk into a pole
@oldmannato I was bringing sexy back this morning, but I didn’t have the receipt and now I’m stuck with all this sexy
@pinkdeedle Got stuck in the toilets at restaurant. Had to text for help. A screwdriver was used. I got a free dessert.
@sonyamanchiraju “Welcome to the family. Here’s your deworming tablet.” – Early days with mother-in-law.
@ryansallan I do NOT recommend chopping chillies then handling genitals….
@BitchAboutDevoWhen i play monopoly i always end up going directly to jail. Maybe its because I’m black?
@antsgardiner I would like to use the same PR agency that dolphins use. Those dudes are badass, calculating, killers, but everyone loves them
@Paj8 In from milking to find note saying “at neighbours having a wine” This usually means takeaways, drunk wife and potential #boomchuckawowowo
@lmfbs I’m on the same pee schedule as another lady from work and I think she thinks I’m stalking her in the toilet.

Movember!
@TwitOnTourNZ Planning My Movember Gala outfit… Question, How long does it take to grow eyebrows back?
@beanbiz There should be a Movember where people who have grown disgraceful moustaches in the past get sponsored not to grow a mo.

Digital Life
@j20r Just got called a “cat googler” on Facebook like it’s some kind of insult
@katemilkshakes The elderly man next to @badtom and my table after dinner: “oh, you don’t need a photo of your glass of water too?”
@Sportzfreak NZ Twitter has been at its best in the last half hour. Ask where some obscure sportsman went to school and half of you know him / his dad.
@CyrisXD I’m changing my Gamertag to “a baby panda” so when people kill me, it’ll say, “You killed a baby panda.” and everyone will hate them.
@KendallForbes Sometimes the “similar to you” twitter suggestions are a little offensive.

This month the Old Mout Cider has to go to @TwitOnTourNZ for all his fantastic work with Movember – Angus raised over $6,000! Well done, mate. Enjoy the cider – you really deserve it.

Just as an aside, I’d like to say a big THANK YOU to websam for all the amazing work he’s done on NZ Secret Santa. It’s been a huge effort on Sam’s part, and an awesome thing to be a part of.

It is that time again – the best Kiwi tweets of the month: October 2012 edition!

Bus Tweets
@toryhipster Pro tips to freak out people staring at your from their bus as you wait for yours: make eye contact. Lick your lips continually.
@RachelRayner Teen at bus stop looked at my outfit-full skirt to beehive ‘do-not with scorn but with trepidation, as if worried she’s missed a style memo.
@gossip_dork “catching a bus is like timesharing a stretch limo” – things I tell myself to avoid suicide

TV Tweets
@formerlydaniels That was so nice of Ben Stiller to do the Energywise ads
@damianchristie The shopping channel reminds me of a game where you give someone a bunch of P then get them to talk about some crap they found in a drawer.
@KerreWoodham Dear Santa let’s make it easier for you this year – NOTHING from the Shopping Channel.
@DawgBelly Lets make it a rule, whoever votes in #nzgt can’t vote in the general election.

Welcome to Auckland
@josiecampbell I’ve been looking for a house for almost a week now, and I still haven’t found one. Getting into the property market is hard!
@TophHooperton Pull up at a red light. Man in the next car leans out the window for a cheeky vom. Welcome to Henderson.
@ginblossom If you did the Auckland Marathon this morning, well done. I’ve just woken up, so we’ve all achieved something today.

Welcome to Christchurch
@beckeleven Just saw people in the park doing sit ups with a hunk of rubble as the extra ballast.

Stay classy, New Zealand
@lmfbs I dropped a bottle of ranch sauce & it broke. The smell make me throw up in my dishwasher. So, how do you clean puke out of a dishwasher?
@eliterate Small boy wants to know what the ducks are doing. Ahem. It’s spring. They are… ducking.
@CyrisXD Ironically the Weight Watchers website requires you to have cookies disabled.
@Mellyski I haven’t closed my curtains in my room in months, I change in my room. Peeping toms who are into flat chested midgets would love it.
@rosiecd Mr 2 just did a fart so big he turned round and checked floor behind him.
@vegrandis Even when you’re having an ugly fat day remember,there’s always a pervert out there, touching himself in the bushes who’ll find u attractive
@AnnaGConnell Have a thigh high split up one side of my muumuu. Basically Angelina Jolie right now.

Stay classy, Facebook
‏@paulbrislen for some reason Facebook thinks I’d be interested in lingerie. I hardly ever WEAR lingerie so I’m puzzled.
@nikkitheknitter Haaaaahahaha Watching someone on FB give unsolicited advice to 40 wks pregnant woman. Explosion of rage in 3…. 2…. 1…
@TophHooperton I just hid a Facebook ad for rubber shoes with individual toes for being sexually explicit.

Stay classy, PinkDeedle
@pinkdeedle Catholic upbringing 0. Libido 2.
@pinkdeedle Honestly. Third iPhone lost to toilet.
@pinkdeedle I’m like “ha ha 2 year old I tricked you into having medicine” she’s all “ha ha joke’s on you I threw it all up in bed”.

Sending the Old Mout Cider prize pack @beckeleven‘s way this month – living in a hap-hazard earthquake zone sucks, but cider is awesome. Sorted.

It’s that time: The best Kiwi tweets of September 2012 are right here!

Awake
@beekaynz I was woken at 5:40am by three little words to warm my heart “Doing poo, Mummy”.
@gurrlwithacurl 5.20am is brought to you by the dulcet tones of the cat fight.

Stay Classy!
@DomHarvey Dom: I see you have my book in store. Have you sold any yet? St Lukes Whitcoulls: Let me just check the computer……..no.
@JaredNeilsen Glade has ruined walking in parks! The smell of fresh cut flowers now reminds me of restrooms…
@astruc I wish breasts weren’t on your chest but on your neck, so you’d always have a pillow to lean your chin on
@_HannahTweets_ Also. I think that if your razor head breaks completely off when you attempt to shave your legs you should probs just remain celibate.
@pinkdeedle I like to think of my @TradeMe feedback as my sex feedback. “delivers goods promptly!” “fast and friendly. Highly recommended”. “A+”.
@liltoastfairy Listening to one child threaten to “actually shit on you. Using real poos” should probably get up now
@UrzilaCarlson I can get a fart out without squeezing!

Lost in Translation
@daihenwood The upside of not speaking the language of the country you are in means you get very good at charades. Although my mime for mouthwash… mmmm
@AliIkram Given the PMs accent almost committed us 2 a war last week his decision not to raise Pussy Riot with Putin is wise.

NZ tweets
@mikokiko Hey snobby lady. Ohakune called. They want their carrot back.
@LOLGASMS I want a coke bottle with my name on it. But alas, my name is not Hemi or Tavita, so I’ll have to go without
@BitchAboutDevo Lol the Takapuna Grammar kids are glaring at us cause we took the back row of the bus fuck off we have NCEA L3

This is the modern age
@nzmikewilson To find out who views your Facebook profile the most, look in the mirror.
@RachelRayner Lady at next table, upon receiving her cocktail: “Whoa, shit! That’s an intagrammer!”
@angusbhodgson HELP. HOW DOES ONE TURN OFF THEIR OWN SECURITY ALARM. I’VE RUN OUTSIDE AND STARTED TWEETING. THAT’S NOT WORKING.
@Kiwi_Chatter My latest follower is 13 and a christian. Do I block her for her sake?
@paulbrislen I write about telcos, and get ten replies. Copyright gets me 20. Tell everyone about my cat… 350+. You guys are weird.
@jacindaardern Very serious man in an air force uniform next to me on plane instantly looks less serious when his iPad comes out for a round of angry birds
@meganebs So uh, Peaches and Cream sell sex toys and Peaches and Creme sell yarn. Thanks for that moment of confusion, Google.
@TaneBufton Hey auto correct, quit tampering with my swear words, you mother forklift.

Best use of a hashtag:
@cjlambert quick other banks! *cue rolling thunder switch campaigns #blackhorsedown

The name I pulled out of the hat (thanks, @VinLew) this month was @paulbrislen – Paul, you get that delicious Old Mout prize pack! Be sure to follow @OldMoutCider so they can sort you out 🙂

August: There were Olympic games, we discovered depresso, and New Zealand did not stay classy. Read on!

Life, eh?
@katjnz Inflation is clearly hitting the begging game. Just got asked if I had a spare $10.
@FrancesCook The Ministry of Justice has such peppy hold music. Almost makes the last half an hour less annoying.
@_HannahTweets_ I have some concerns about the amount of sequins I found in our living room this morning. Considering I live with boys.
@ajaystwtr Just watched the Call Me Maybe video for the first time. Did not expect that twist in the end. Gripping. Intense. A+++
@scuba_nurse I need to stop checking men out at a gay rights event… I’m an idiot
@kennewell Roasting a chicken. Because my life is a white-knuckle adventure ride of sin and degradation.
@MeghanMutrie New word: depresso. When you haven’t had your coffee yet.

Stay Classy!
@Meegandale83 Is it wrong to dislike Hayley Holt because she pashed Richie and all I got was a restraining order?
@_victoriajayne_ Oh Upper Hutt. The parade of leggings as pants, a bad dye job, illegitimate children with made up names and rolly cigarettes.
@TophHooperton FYI, when you say #ttrttpt, it just sounds like you ended your tweet by emitting a pretty sizeable and lengthy fart.
@MoataTamaira I might *read* “sent from my iPhone” but I’m *thinking* “sent from the toilet”.
@pinkdeedle If u accidentally hit your kid with a drawer just laugh and clap and pretend it’s a game. She may even get u to do it again.
@Naly_D Flatmate and I just taught the others how to make raisin whistles. You can tell the Decile 1 kids even as adults.
@vegrandis As a woman I was lead to believe that you could make strong men weep and take down cities with your vagina. >:[ I can’t even get free fries
@Kiwi_Chatter Had another back at high school dream. This time there were girls at Auckland Grammar which was great except I was my age now, not so good.
@JaneYee Superman may be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, but I can catch baby vomit with my bare hands.
@ginblossom Just realised that talking ‘hands-free’ in the wine section of the supermarket, makes me look like I’ve hit rock bottom.

Ponderings
@chizchizchiz if you are a vegetarian for ethical reasons and have a cat or dog, do you still feed them meat products?!
@chavahkinloch Does your rubbish truck driver guy sit outside your driveway for 5 minutes and watch you unload your groceries? No? Just mine?
@DomHarvey Why is it that when a girl sleeps with a bunch of guys, she’s a slut? But when a guy does it, all of a sudden he’s gay?

The Olympics
@AngeBloomfield Yay for Olympic Gold!! The new beef and lamb ambassador’s have been found!!
@Chris_Brain I watched NZ win 2 gold medals on my phone in a paddock & then ate potato chips that tasted like prawns. HG Wells was right about the future
‏@Nakiman Um um cos this is the summer Olympics “@AjARock: Could somebody please tell me why ice hockey is not an Olympic sport?!”
@josiecampbell No amount of training can prepare you for the Olympics. I stare at a screen at work, and even at home, but this is truly exhausting.
@TophHooperton THROW THE BALLS YOU BEAUTIFUL MASSIVE LADIES
@snappy_nz New Zealand now top the medals per exploding barbecues at fan bases table.
@TroyRF “The medal will be presented by His Royal Highness…” [girls shriek] “…Prince Faisal of Jordan.” [girls groan]
‏@DaveSmarty Black Caps get more coverage than a paralympics bronze for NZ in the news because the Black Caps are clearly way more disabled.

Politics
@GarethMP Just called Russian Embassy to say I’d be over today to hand over a Pussy Riot protest letter. In heavy Russian: ‘You want visa?’ LOL
@BexieLady Are we going to find out in a month or so that Colin Craig is Sacha Baron Cohen’s latest character?
@richardboock wish maggie barry would follow her own advice: only comment on euthanasia once she’s tried it…
@kiaoraclint Parliament, and Parliament TV has all the makings of a hunger games. Lock the doors. Get Banks.

The name I pulled out of the hat (read: jabbed my finger at the screen until it landed on a name) this month was @ajaystwtr – so you get that delicious Old Mout prize pack! Be sure to follow @OldMoutCider so they can sort you out 🙂

A big one this month – between the Olympics, your technology woes, and the old classic “stay classy” tweets, there’s a lot to love from July.

Tweets like these are why Twitter exists
@Dovil Breaking: Govt to sell Waitangi Tribunal.
@KatinEdinburgh Ugh. Hipster kid in Starbucks wearing a 1984 sweatshirt. I feel so old.
@Sezlinc You go to town, squeeze out a baby, get some sushi, come home & cuddle said baby. Voila!
@natstrats Nice new BMW lady, did no one show you where the indicators are? It’s inefficient for me to mouth “where are you going?” and you to point.
@aberopitini I woke up with a sock on my foot but there was no sock when I went to sleep.
@Kiwi_Chatter Not mentioning any names, but one of my wives shrunk my hoodie in the wash.
@JaredNeilsen Purchased a car via Turners in Jan, subscribed to their e-letter since. Subject line this month: “Sick of driving a heap of junk?” Um…
@di_twhitter Just found a rogue scrabble tile in the rug. Now have tile paranoia and am counting all tiles to assess the situation.

Technology, eh.
@ryansallan My iPhone just autocorrected ‘gay’ to ‘hey’. If it had gone for ‘Haaaaaaay’ I’d have been more impressed
@badtom I’m glad I stopped autocorrect from changing “maneater” to “manatee”. That could have been taken the wrong way.
@VinLew Oh TelstraClearNZ is popular in Mosgiel? I didn’t know they had electricity.
@steffenrusten FFS, do not email me to tell me that I’ve been unsubscribed from your email list.
@iChild Ah, nothing like unnecessary threatening emails from a Trade Me seller to start my day.
@antsgardiner Send email. Check I included the attachment. Re-send email.
@amiemccarron I think I will cross-stitch a paranoid android robot dreaming about apple eating his baby on the back of my iphone
@Tarquin_Death I’m getting Facebook ads for duty free booze, Ugg boots and McDonalds. South Auckland, I think I have your Facebook

Man Tweets
@structconz I’ve already used the word testicles in a sentence this morning. This week is going to be a good one.
@ryansallan The Lynx product stand at the chemist is almost sold out. I’m disappointed in my gender.

50 Shades of Yuck
@BitchAboutDevo I came home to find mum reading 50 Shades Of Grey. I blame all of you.
@SpeelyFreaking My tweets are exactly like 50 Shades Of Grey. Only lonely women read them.
@Batman_NZ Just watching a dude buy his young teenage daughter the 50 shades box set at the Warehouse in New Lynn.

Olympics!
@rhysiedarby BBC commentary: “The NZ rowers are a little rough around the edges.” – yeah that’s how we like it. We’ll wait for you at the finish bro.
@katie_skatie Oh, & Olympics Gods… thanks for making weightlifting terminology so fun. “In her snatch” is the best! Followed closely by the clean jerk!
‏@SylviaGiles I wanna spoon with some of these male gymnasts

What is a TOTM without a ‘Stay Classy, NZ’ section?
@Mamamsosweet One of my students just asked me how to write the pause sign… worked out he meant a comma
@philwalter Both the ladies in the house have Lady pains. Shoot me.
@xCaron I just picked a quality scab off my elbow… You’re welcome.
@Naly_D The neighbours have been drinking wine & keep laughing, it sounds like when i lived by the zoo & could hear the gibbons
@ColeyTangerina Brb just gonna shave my workmate.
@AnnaGConnell There’s a guy wearing a horse head playing ‘God Save the Queen’ on a clarinet on Queen St. Just thought you should know.
@TophHooperton That awkward moment when you make eye contact with the person stealing herbs from your front garden.

The person who got the most nominations this month was @ColeyTangerina – so you get that delicious Old Mout prize pack! Be sure to follow @OldMoutCider so they can sort you out. Congrats!