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Best Kiwi Tweets of January 2014

Compiled by @BeeKayNZ

Welcome to 2014: A year that has already bought us the joys of #NZFacts, Lorde’s global domination, and some random dude getting his willy electrocuted. More on that later.

And so a New Year begins, and like all New Shiny Things, we tweeted about it.
VaughnDavis: “Hey bro how was last night?” “Yep, we revelled.” “You what?” “Revelled. You know, me and some of other revellers. Did some revelling.”

We also revelled in Lorde’s Grammy wins.
Hilary_Barry: I think I just got over the America’s Cup. #Lorde
RohanAdarkar: Well getting married at the Grammys is probably better than a drive thru

And in Twitter’s superiority:
_surlymermaid: Everyone on Facebook is all commenting about the Grammys HELLO WE COVERED ALL THIS ON TWITTER 7 HOURS AGO AND IN A MUCH WITTIER FASHION
dawgbelly: Sometimes you see things on twitter you never expected to see ever, like a dog mowing the lawns or a man with two dicks for example.

We made observations about the other media
DavidSlack: Worst thing about this restaurant so far: waiter has come over 5 times and said “nzherald wants to use this as your current location ok?”
Lillith_Grace: If I wanted talkback radio, I’d listen to talkback radio
ghettoanger: SPOILER ALERT: Everyone dies and therefore Shortland Street is finished forever. Watch something else instead.
richirvine: Any MasterChef contestants wanting a harsh lesson in the importance of just getting things on the plate can come and cook my kids’ tea.

Two hashtags rocked the nation: #BuzzFeedNZ and #NZFacts
peopleofnz: Due to heavy govt. regulation, NZ news media can only report on a global story if it contains some kind of NZ connection. #NZFacts
peopleofnz: In the wild, kiwis hunt larger prey by climbing up onto high rocks, and then leaping off and spearing victims with long beaks. #NZFacts
peopleofnz: The Pavlova is NZ’s national dessert, made famous in experiments where the Pavlova Response caused people to reflexively eat cake. #NZFacts
peopleofnz: Giant wetas are also easily trained as guide-bugs for the blind, their large size & friendliness making them excellent companions. #NZFacts
peopleofnz: The All Blacks are NZ’s single biggest revenue stream, with Richie McCaw sippy cups contributing 23% of the country’s GDP. #NZFacts
vinlew: You’ll Never Guess How Long These Guys Spent In A Leaky Boat #BuzzfeedNZ
vinlew: 5 Times You Shouldn’t Take Your Scooter To The Dairy #BuzzfeedNZ
TroyRF: 12 possible names for the dog from Footrot Flats known as “Dog” #BuzzfeedNZ
nl2nz: These Driving Dogs Make You Want Own A Driving Dog #BuzzfeedNZ
irfrazer: You’ll never believe how many of these single policy parties got into a successful coalition after an election #BuzzfeedNZ

We also observed other things about kiwi life
kittengloves: Went to pull a car’s windscreen wipers out to let them know their parking is appalling. But somebody had put a note there already. #Auckland
lmfbs: That one was an #EQNZ not wind. I could tell because the wrong window rattled.

Better living, everyone
syxseed: Always begin a 40min walk with a full bladder. Nothing is smarter than this.
_surlymermaid: i just want to eat all the things. but only very specific things. very specific things that are not in the house.
josiecampbell: Think I’ve turned into Alf Stewart. Just poked my head out the door at neighbour hammering & said “It’s a bit late at night for that, mate.”
emjaybeeeeee: Just sat next to a car with topless Warrior’s players dancing. FRIDAY ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED.
VickyRF: I dropped my phone while Instagram was open and the dog stood on it and somehow liked a photo of someone I don’t follow. Now I’m a stalker.

And finally, a special keep it classy, New Zealand
gurrlwithacurl: Guy at work electrocuted self while removing clothes from washing machine. He was naked & first body part to touch machine was penis.

z-energy Thanks to our friends at Z Energy, we have $40 worth of vouchers for petrol (and coffee, and pies, and slushies, and everything else they sell!) for the best Kiwi tweeter. This month how could we not award it to Megapope for his service to @PeopleOfNZ and #NZFacts? Mr Pope, email your mailing address to [email protected] and I’ll get them out to you ASAP.

@BeeKayNZ there’s also $40 of vouchers for you, too! Thank you for curating January for us.

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The Best Kiwi Tweets of December 2013

Happy (almost) new year! I can’t believe I’ve been doing this “best of” tweets thing for four years. I think the tweets are as sharp, amusing, and poignant as ever though, so lets get into them!

Christmas with the whanau
@RuminatorNZ Today my mother gave my 30 something sister a bubble making machine for Christmas and I’m all like “what?” but Holy shit I want one.
@RachelRayner Niece’s first Christmas! Is she getting lots of gifts? “She really likes empty plastic bottles at the moment, so we got her a 2 litre one.”
@Simonpnz Coley just got a package from @roseandthorne. Merry Christmas, me.

Comments, brought you to by stuff.co.nz
@chrisphilpottnz “I think you need to get out more, dude.” Awesome! Some of the commenters from Stuff *did* follow me to NZH after all!
@toryhipster Oh my god I’ve realised something amazing. My Uncle John is actually your average stuff commenter. This all makes so much sense.

Christmas food
@beekaynz Hahahaha. Someone ordered the groceries after a smidgin too much wine. Three salamis, two packs of chorizo, TWELVE packets of crackers.
@Vegrandis I got given like 6 packs of Ferrero Rochers for xmas and I just want to go home and empty them onto my bed and roll around in them.
@DawgBelly Pip has come trotting in carrying the remains of an Ernest Adams Christmas pud in its red plastic bowl. We didn’t hv a Christmas pudding…
@j20r Why would you sell fudge in a resealable bag
@HayleyHeartbrk Braving the New World Metro. Pray 4 me.
@sitharus Is there something about christmas that makes people forget how to supermarket?
@plambrechtsen Making jelly at home and getting eldest to read the instructions. Asked her “what does the box say” and you can imagine what happened next?
@hamfritta Go to McDonald’s & get asked if I’d like the usual.

You’re getting old
@3rd_Gen_ Signs I’m ageing / saw buff young man in hot pants / 1st thought ” ooh he must be cold”

Oh dear lord
@katjnz Checkout operator at New World just called me ‘sir’. Self esteem ruined forever.
@joshlindsay No nice way to say this. House started shaking then toilet just sucked all my business away while I was going. What the fuck?!?

Technology Tweets
@neilmullanefinn even though I just had a terrific meal I will never tweet about food
@_AnnyMa Hurry up Beyoncé instagram your Christmas
@3rd_Gen_ Asking Siri secret to great sex. So far I’ve got the secret to great seats, great Sikhs, & great six.
@vaughndavis What I would love for NZ Twitter in 2014: less anti, more Aunties.
@jinnee79 Changed my profile picture, keep seeing my tweets & wondering who I am
@juhasaarinen I am banning subtweets from certain people.
@ehjc My phone just autocorrected vulvas to vulcans. Yes. Ok.

Perspective, just quietly
@AliIkram some NZers spent $238 million on Xmas Eve some queued for 7 hours for food parcels.

This is love
@seemsforever today it’s the birthday of my most precious @not_friends and i’m so lucky to get to wake up with her i love her i love her
@NZ_JB Have a baby bottle and a cup of strong coffee next to the bed. It’s great having our wee guy home.
@NatashaUtting At age 96 my Nan complimented me on my blouse & asked me to leave it to her in my will. Fav person ever. Would’ve been her birthday today.
@missannajane The bus driver in Raumati is adorable and greets her regulars by name

Heath…?
@kittengloves When choosing a seat in the doctors’ waiting room is like a game of Would You Rather…
@VickyRF Sometimes I read the side effects on medication labels and think they should end by saying “may the odds be ever in your favor.”

Stay Classy, New Zealand
@ScrambledBeks I wonder if my neighbour realises I can see him every time he goes & pees outside?
@badtom Just bought myself a present so that I’d have something to unwrap in the morning. Caught myself taking off the price before wrapping it.
@not_friends One week till my birthday! Let’s pick up the hype, people.
@birds_knees I think the highlight of today’s shopping though, had to be the 2m long smear of (presumably) toddler poo on the floor at The Warehouse :/
@beanbiz The World Darts Championship would be slightly better if the winning player threw their darts straight into the crowd.
@ebryantnz The mullet count is now up to four. Mind you I am at McDonald’s.
@philwalter Visualized my 5k excercise. Does that count?
@ellen_pickett Love getting phone calls from friends in NZ who are too drunk to care it’s costing them 100 bucks a minute.
@Nicolaaarrr “gonna go out” “gonna be fierce” “woo newly single” “woo putting makeup on” “woo yeah newly singl- oh i just cried all the makeup back off”
@tobiasbrockie wish i had really long hair and my best friend did too, so we could braid it together and idk just throw stones at people out a window
@hollyrwalker Oh my god I went to Queensgate mall with a baby and no clear plan. Why? WHY!? *tears off own face*
@thelittlepakeha I am apparently hilariously passive aggressive on drugs though, I signed the last email “happy holidays if you can afford them”

Stay Classy – the clothing-based bonus round
@Kiwi_Chatter I invented a word “Jundies.” When a girl’s jean shorts are so small, they’re basically undies.
@HatePash1 Keep putting coins in my bra and then forgetting about them. Every time I take it off it’s like a Mario bonus level.
@irfrazer There is a guy on the plane wearing orange toe shoes. I don’t know what to do about this at all. So many emotions, like rage and disgust.

 

logogooglgoogoIt’s at this point I’d normally announce who had won Tweets of the Month and give them a prize. Sadly, our wonderful long-term sponsor is unable to continue due to new alcohol legislation, so I’m on the hunt for a new sponsor. If your business is keen, please send me an expression of interest.

Thank you all so much for your amazing support this year: The nominees, the nominators, the guest editors, and the readers! I couldn’t do this without all of you.

 

Here’s to 2014!

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The Best Kiwi Tweets of November 2013

November was the month we decided to be all stereotypical and tweet about our kids and our food. Oh, and naturally, there’s a chocka ‘Stay Classy’ section.

We got hyped for #NZSecretSanta
@idarima Tip: Your #nzsecretsanta person isn’t tweeting, has a locked account, etc? Nickleback has released their greatest hits CD. Send them that
@stasiturnbull My poor #nzsecretsanta – you may think all I like is snarking. But it is not true! I also like kitsch, vintage and old china. And snarking.
@robtreacher I think the coinciding of #secretsantanz with the inorganic collection is genius. You can find and courier half a rusty trampoline for $10.
@ginblossom Jesus help me. My #nzsecretsanta person has tweeted less than 20 times. What does one buy someone with an actual life outside Twitter?
@TrueLangstone I forgot about secret Santa. I FORGOT ABOUT STRANGER PRESENTS. *sob

You’ve made it, baby!
@HayleyHeartbrk If someone said “kill urself” to me in relation to my art does that mean I’ve “made it” in 2013 speak?

Logic
@NZ_JB Amazon offers “free delivery” with all Kindle eBooks. What the hell?!
@wordgirlwriting You know you’re tired when you text a friend asking them what their mobile number is. *Face palm*
@sonyacole Wednesday should be a day off, two days of work in a row is enough

Stay classy
@Tenani Swooped my hair to the other side today and it feels all different and now I don’t know what to believe. What is life?
@Tenani On the bus, went to put my hand on my knee but accidentally put it on the stranger next to me’s knee. He moved. Mortified.
@THE_VONK I’m at a Bieber concert
@samanthamcqueen Where can one get a pair (or three) of festive Christmas earrings? Asking for a friend. Ok, asking for me.
@irfrazer A man just walked past me in a full suit wearing socks and sandals. I need a mental health day to get over this.
@pinkdeedle Shiiiit I hope spray paint comes out of diamonds
@LowScoreAttack Just saw a older gentleman wearing a full pastel outfit. Play on playa
@SaigonSyl why doesn’t Te Papa have a hall of mirrors, plz start a pledgeme
@robtreacher Is there a connection between craft beer and smelly farts? Asking for a friend.

It’s not Twitter if you don’t talk about food
@RachelRayner Beau just dipped a piece of Brie in guacamole. <3 <3 <3
@WayneLikesFood The studio director does not approve of my decision to eat half a litre of ice cream at 5:55am.
@DrJared I had BBQ for lunch AND dinner today. I’m pretty sure my body mass is 10% meat, 10% cancer, and 80% Jared.
@seemsforever instant mashed potato & a chocolate moosie for dinner bc i’m getting better at self-care all the time
@TroyRF Plan: Make a salad. Actual: Munched a capsicum, apple-style.
@_surlymermaid Eating pork chops and watching the original season of Survivor with Richard Hatch et al. I know you wish you were me. It’s ok.

Spawn
@annettle I know this happened years ago, but every now and then I am still gobsmacked by the thought that my body GREW A WHOLE OTHER BODY INSIDE IT.
@catatonichic When asked, today, how he came to be so articulate, Mr3 replied “Disney Junior.” I facepalm
@hollyrwalker Esther’s birth certificate arrived. We made a real person!
@NZ_judester Miss 2 brings me a box. ‘Mummy, can I have a treat?’ It’s a box of tampons. ‘Er, no sweetheart’.
@MoataTamaira The foetus formally known as “Squishy” is now a baby boy. Very small and in an incubator but definitely a real live human. #happy

 

Old Mout Cider And the winner is…

With two entries it the “Stay Classy” section, and a bunch more nominations I could have used, the winner of the @OldMoutCider prize pack is @Tenani! Follow Old Mout on Twitter to get your hands on the delicious treats!

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The Best Kiwi Tweets of October 2013

Hello!

Yes, we skipped a month. But now we have October’s tweets to enjoy! Here you go…

We played Auckland Monopoly (again)
‏@_GlennCollier community chest card: ‘ you have won second prize in a beauty contest collect $10, but your parking spot cost $30’
@takapunani Farro Fresh has run out of kale, quinoa and acai. Lose $150.
@pcuser42 You’re on a bus on the Harbour Bridge. Go back three spaces.
@watershitdown It is your birthday Collect $10 & your underwear from each player
@cjlambert Mt Eden prison riot. Get out of jail free.
@nickeee_tweets The rent is $400 but because you are competing with 50+ people to live there you have to offer to pay $550

Getting from A to B
@Vegrandis Omg I can’t see out of my bus windows!! I guess I’ll get out at the stop that “feels” like my area.
@WayneLikesFood I’m going to walk home from work. It’ll be good exercise. If I get mugged I’ll have something to talk about when people ask about my weekend
@HayleyHeartbrk Woops, too busy seething with resentment forgot to get off the bus

Technology though
@guywilliamsguy The happiest people I’ve seen are Fijian towl administrators and I’m like why are YOU so happy!? You don’t even have an iPhone!? God.
@wimon_song Just received the photos I emailed myself more than a month ago. Thanks internet.
@Megapope You’ve all given me so many great new insults for using at people I don’t like on Reddit. Which is pretty much most of them.
@takapunani “twitter is better with friends”. go home twitter you’re drunk
@rednz Just watched a girl’s makeup application tutorial on YouTube and it feels like that time you found out magic/santa wasn’t real.

Auckland
@rosiecd The Len Brown story was way more interesting when I thought Bevan Chuang was an Asian man.
@yohohos I wonder if Lorde can afford to buy a house in Auckland yet.

DOGS!
@thelittlepakeha Just let dogs in. OMG SO EXCITING OMG OMG HAS THE HOUSE CHANGED WHILE THEY WERE OUTSIDE LET’S FIND OUT OMG OMG IT HASN’T WOAH!
@VickyRF When @TroyRF has angry outbursts at video games, dogs quickly look to me as if to ask ‘is he mad or fake-mad?’ I nod, they return to sleep.

Stay Classy
@smownin Has anyone checked if there’s a correlation between mass murderers and where they shopped before they murdered? Is it pak n save?
@jtclassic Just had a very drunk 67-year old man on his birthday call me to play a request for his mistress! #Tuesday
@NZ_JB Ante-natal class #4: what to do with the pooping machine when it comes out.
@Kiwi_Chatter Had a shower, sent my bum to some people on snapchat, defrosted chicken for dinner. Busy, busy, busy.
@sophiealiceryan Two handfuls of mini marshmallows is not a breakfast of champions, adult life is hard.

Old Mout Cider And the winner is…

@takapunani because, heck, she’s made it twice in one month. Boom. Please follow @OldMoutCider to collect your delicious prize!

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Best Tweets: August 2013

Compiled by Ani O’Brien

August was a busy month on the Social Media front. We certainly weren’t short of topics to discuss, nor things to whinge and joke about. This was a month of botulism scares and creepy government spying agencies. There was ‘BatFleck’, Shearer got the flick, earthquakes and marriage equality, just to name a few. We also managed to dedicate some tweets to observing and pondering the intricacies of our own existence. We affectionately laughed at family members and were (sometimes quite alarmingly) honest about our day to day lives. Here are a few of my favourite tweets from the month of August;

We’re nothing if not honest…
@SWTGallagher I think the closest to joining the mile high club I’ll ever get is having sex in the airplane at Taupo’s McDonalds…
@alexkc Going to walk into this party like I am walking onto a yacht (will wear my stepdad’s lifejacket and scream until somebody holds my hand)
@AceMcWicked That fart was so nasty that on a slower news day it would have made the front page.
@EstherMacIntyre Tried the intermittent fasting diet. At 3.30pm, ate flatmate’s toast out of the bin.
@mcquillanatorz I don’t date anyone who has less than 100% positive feedback on TradeMe #noscrubs

Nothing stranger than family…
@CyrisXD My nephew is scared of thunder. I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all. I think that helped
@AceMcWicked I incorrectly claimed my cat as a human dependent in my tax return #incorrectly
@CaitlinSomers “If I could be an animal I’d be a duck – ducks can bite fingers off” sooo my brother is a sadist

Sweet and Sour Milk…
@RFStew New Zealand. The land of (tainted) milk and (fake) honey.
@ColeyTangerina my bf just came home to drink a milkshake I made which means Kelis is science.

Honourable employment…
@toryhipster Just read a Danish sonnet from 1690 about a dude jacking off. Seriously. Counting this as work. #bestjob
@NateNauer Sometimes people mistaking you for the bouncer is a good thing. “$20 cover charge please”
@BetterWorkStory An unemployed (and previously convicted) sex offender smoking a joint just told me to “get a real job.” #nzpolice
@Atomic_Moog This breach of the office chocolate biscuit policy is threatening to boil over.
@rents1 Been a lot of talk about ninjas at wk this week. If I hadn’t picked my current career that was my 2nd choice.

Critical appointments…
@edmuzik will throw my weight behind David Cunliffe if only so we can use “Son of A Preacher Man” as the 2014 campaign jingle
@RockYourBoyce Wait…Bruce Wayne was Batman?!
@AliIkram Politics is such a tough profession. One day you’re waving around dead fish in the house of representatives. The next u r gone.

The government  made it legal for Uncle Sam to become Big Brother…
@AntDCat Nixon bugged a hotel and subsequently resigned from office. Obama bugged the entire world and shrugs it off.
@TaikaWaititi Oh Mr Prime Minister, Al Qaeda is living in NZ now is it? Well in that case, yes, I permit you to spy on me while I surf the titty sites.

Marriage became a right for all! And God responded in fury with earthquakes and shit…
@ColeyTangerina Apparently a plane was struck by lightning landing in Auckland? God is really enjoying punking all the fundies on #MarriageEquality day.
@jtclassic Good luck to the same sex couples getting married in NZ today! May yours last FAR longer than my shitty straight marriage did #loveislove
@ferrouswheel What’s the most earthquake strengthened pub in Wellington? #eqnz

The Runners Up…
@joesomething_ I’m having trouble distinguishing between someone who does crossfit, and a crazy Christian preacher standing on Queen St.
@MsBeeton I don’t call it lying down, I call it landscape mode.

 

 

Old Mout Cider And the winner is…

@gtiso Billions of years from now the universe will reach heat death, and all that will be left will be a couple of grudges I’ve been holding.

@gtiso please follow our friends at @OldMoutCider to collect your delicious prize! And thanks to Ani for compiling the tweets this month! – Cate

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Best Tweets: July 2013

Compiled by Chris Hooper

Spies
@AnnaGConnell I might kill our neighbours. Turn the farking bass down. NB #GCSB I don’t mean that, it’s a faux threat commonly used to express anger.
@mcquillanatorz Defence Force to scrap journo spying rule after discovering most communications are just hilarious cat gifs

Royal Baby Fever
@CMRanapia Everytime HMQ sees the hashtags #RoyalBaby & #FunUncle together, a footman gets beaten to death with a corgi. True.
@Rose_Matafeo uh guys what if this royal baby grows up to be an asshole?
@BoganetteNZ Kate should release a statement that just says “fuck off it’ll come out when it’s good and ready”. That’s what I’d do. #royaladvice

Stay Classy, NZ
@Robbo_Junior Today’s ingenuity badge goes to the person I just ran across who named their children Sean and Shaun #winning
@THE_VONK Very difficult to take photos of topless girls on the beach. Couldn’t do it without making it obvious.
@pinkdeedle Is a nose orgasm a thing? Cos I think I just had one.
‏@kittengloves Guess that smell. And other fun bus games. FML.
@vegrandis  If you’re going to try serve cheese at fridge temperature without any quince paste or a charcuterie, u can go ahead & throw it in the bin.

Life
@chizchizchiz i was having an okay day and then i remembered something dumb i did 3 years ago and now i hate myself forever
@Kiwi_Chatter I had to explain to a tourist that Palmerston North wasn’t destroyed in an earthquake. It just looks a bit shit.
@CyrisXD You never truly know someone until you see their bag of chips getting caught in a vending machine.
@markleggett Nice try, Henry Cavill, but I’m still straight.
@ggsacks Every time my boyfriend doesn’t tweet for more than 3 hours I assume death. Oh well, we had a good run.

Because, cute.
@lmfbs 17yo boy comes out to a bunch of other boys while they’re all in speedos. Gets hugs and “bro, doesn’t even matter, we love you anyway” <3

 

 

Old Mout Cider This week’s winner is @Kiwi_Chatter for his work keeping New Zealand tourism alive and kicking. Follow Old Mout Cider to get your delicious, delicious goodies.

 

 

Chris Hooper

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Best Tweets: June 2013

This month is bought to you by @DanRockNZ, so any of you that follow him would expect this to have a heavy sport and beer focus… but no!

There is however a fair bit of X Factor involved…

X Factor
@Hilary_Barry Oh hurry up – we picked our kids names quicker than this #xfactornz
@josephmoore1 Rosita Vai on backup!!! Also: Michael Murphy is the X Factor janitor and Ben Lummis drives the #xfactornz contestant bus.
@toryhipster Please can crimping not be a thing I don’t think I can live through this #xfactornz
@pinkdeedle I like to think Ruby’s lady garden is pink and crimped with glitter. #xfactornz
@cam667 Covering a cover, of a cover. #XFactorInception #XFactorNZ

Stay Classy NZ
@AniOBrien The chef on 24 Hours In A&E who accidentally stabbed himself is kinda sexy.
@NathanWinter75 I’m addicted to wanking puns..hopefully I can beat it..touch wood. #toosoon
@kaanivorous Got my onesie today. It’s a bit snug in the crotch. Can’t really put my hood on.
@DramaQueenNZ Embarrassing! I just tried putting my hair in a scrunchy only to find it was DiLs gstring! Either I need glasses or she needs bigger panties

Addicted much?
@simon_w I’m getting a massage and tweeting with my nose!
@lucymk Just seen a picture of Macds Hashbrowns on Instagram. Hashtagged. #HASHtagged. My life is complete.

The female of the species
@wendypooh Remind me again how I get smelly girl pit stink out of my tops?
@ohsarahrose Panicked that I’d left my glasses at home. Then realised I could see so um I hadn’t.
@SiobhanKeoghNZ I consider myself an intelligent, articulate woman, right up until the point that I see a puppy in my peripheral vision.
@melhomer If electric blankets could put the bins out and tell us we’re beautiful, we wouldn’t need men. Fact.

Parents are the best contraception
@JaneYee 5.15am start to the day. Who designed these little creatures?
@pinkdeedle Kids are pretty much just grubby, money taking alarm clocks.

Just Because it’s true
@runningwhio The problem I think is that we keep saying things like ‘the country needs your opinion’. I’ve read the comments. It really fucking doesn’t.

 

Old Mout Cider And my winner is @runningwhio – because if you’ve actually read the comments, you’re going to need a drink! Don’t forget to follow @OldMoutCider for your treat.

Regards,

Daniel Rock

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Best Tweets: May 2013

Compiled by Moata Tamaira

It’s hard to believe that there was a time when we weren’t all tweeting the mother-loving tartan out of The X Factor yet it was only in May that this guilty pleasure was birthed unto a breathless (and sarky) nation. And while it wasn’t officially winter, there wasn’t much in it.

It’s cold so we’re starting our winter eating early
BrenaSmith It’s just me who licks the inside of maggi gravy packets right?
Jaiemem Love is having a Ferrero Rocher unwrapped for you because you’re too lazy to do it yourself.
Beanbiz GCSB? Pah! Mighty River Power? Pfft! Solid Energy job losses? Buh. They’re bringing back PIES?!?! Ding ding ding!!! #trending #NZ
APConlan Having Georgie Pie now will be like finally getting together with the pretty girl from high school who now has syphilis.

Central heating and weaponry. So much more to librarianship than you thought.
CherylBernstein “Mum, when I’m in Year 6 I think I’ll aim to be a school librarian rather than a crossing guard. The library’s really well heated.”
Paulbrislen Saw a policeman at Welly airport who was shorter and skinnier than me. Looked like a librarian. A librarian with a Glock

Two sides of the same helpdesk coin?
AristotlesNZ Hi. We noticed you Googled “How do I keep IT from seeing my browser history” yesterday at 3:21pm. How’d that work out for you?
_surlymermaid I would punch a nun in the face for a gin and tonic and an IT support team not made up of smug men

I can’t figure out if Twitter makes X Factor better or the other way round
Crabbs Disappointed in the song choices, #xfactornz. Was hoping for at least one rendition of ‘Groinal Screwdriver Punch’ by Head Like A Hole.
Officialfunning He does a good Every Pakeha Dad, I’ll give him that #tom #xfactornz
RobynGallagher It’s like a dream – if the dream is hanging out on a tropical island with a hyperactive man dressed like a tablecloth. #xfactornz
MartynPepperell I wish #XFactorNZ was a series of auditions for new mutants to join the X-Men.
DanielsTrousers Dan’s secret mentor trick is making the girls put me on & walk down Queen St. When they no longer feel shame, they’re ready. #xfactornz
neilmullanefinn I think it is possible to be funny without being cruel but x factor does make it harder.

Parenthood. It’s not a word. It’s a sentence.
DamianChristie You know you’re a Dad when you point out the car window and yell “digger!” even when your son’s not with you. Taxi driver appreciated it tho
LewStoddart Anyone who wants to argue that kid’s TV is not educational is invited to talk about dinosaurs with my two preschoolers for 3 or 4 hours.
Lucymk 3yo: Mum! A pukey cow! It’s a pukey cow!! Me: What?? Where? 3yo: LOOK a pukey cow! *shows toy* Me: … OH! THAT’s a kiwi – not a pukeko 🙂
Hilary_Barry Tried to remember it was the thought that counted when son gave me a Xmas card for Mother’s Day yesterday and wrote Happy Birthday inside.

Miscellaneous tweets of delight
LukeAppley Remember, if you’re going out today and you get stuck, cut open your Tauntaun and sleep inside it for warmth
Petrajane ‘Harry’ is a remarkably accurate portrayal of Auckland, in that you can’t go 5min without seeing someone who used to be on Shortland Street.
TimWilsonBarrio Business idea: ‘The Hipster Bible’… featuring only the chapters which reference beards.
Vegrandis I’m sure food at a 5 star Michelin resturant is good but I know nothing will taste as good as the sad tears of your ex’s current partner.
Tarquin_Death Googling “find my google doc” is embarrassing. Tempted to use Bing so Google doesn’t judge me
Kebabette Word is there is a new #chch Roller Derby team called “The Gilmore Girls”. Their uniform is a fucktard.

 
Old Mout Cider

This month’s tweet of the month ultimate cagefight winner is… _surlymermaid because we’ve all been there, am I right? I know it’s not a gin and tonic but hopefully you’ll enjoy your Old Mout Cider enough that no further nuns need be pummelled.

Many thanks to everyone who favourited and nominated their favourite tweets. Sorry if I didn’t pick your one, they were all pretty awesome.

Many thanks to Cate for letting me play Tweet-Factor judge for this month.

@moatatamaira

 

Posted on

Best Tweets: April 2013

Compiled by Tara Sutherland

We demanded a lot of April and boy, did April deliver!

Some of us would be more than happy for the summer to continue however we needed rain and then it rained. We found out what channel number Parliament TV was and we continued to take the piss out of each other and the cities that we live in.

Just another day in New Zealand … we’re staying classy as always
@georgie_pienz – I hear mr whippy. He should really sell “grown up” treats. Like whiskey. Then i’d be tempted to run outside.
@annaliesvk – Just had the Renegade Master song in my head as I walked the wrong way through the express check out to get to the wine.
@littlemisspie – I can hear @AlexMC183 Skype chirping, @5hameless, he’s gone to the bathroom.
@meganbedford – Dinner happened after I’d tried on my new black icebreaker thermals top & leggings and pranced around pretending to be a mime
@hungryandfrozen – So glad I remembered I had those candy hearts, got quite close to eating the leftover sugar pills in an empty Pill packet I found in my bag.
@littlemisspie – My idea of being a well balanced person is liking both red and white wine.
@infovorematt – Pxted mum my test + assignment results now she’s proudly showing the ladies at work and suddenly I’m 5 w/ gold stars again.
@kirstigrant – My Grandad just asked me to run out to the letterbox to fetch him his paper. Apparently “that’s what little kids like to do”. And I did it…

Mike Hosking – Perfect Tweets
@cakeburger – saw some suspicious types by SPQR avoided them had caviar and dill on focaccia life is perfect #TweetLikeHosking
@cherylbernstein – Backed over a peasant today Maserati fine Foie gras in glovebox Life is perfect #TweetLikeHosking
@MikePerfectHosk – Really looking forward to putting my feet up later and enjoying a Peroni. Wouldn’t it be perfect if Peroni was Italian for perfect?
@mikehoskingzb – So now I am so famous and important Someone has parodied my twitter account Life is perfect #TweetLikeHosking
@eliterate – Sniggering just a little too much over #TweetLikeHosking gems; snorted Pinot out my nose. Life is perfect.
@liamdann – …thinking of starting LiamDann parody account so I can feel more important. Do most people do their own or do you hire Pead PR or someone?

Marriage Equality
@jessetheridge – When you realise how many firsts our Parliament has had, with people from all walks of life, it actually makes you proud to be a Kiwi.
@HORansome – Will “Parliament TV” get a second season? How will they top this episode? Hope tonight isn’t a cliffhanger? #marriageequalitynz
@beckeleven – I’ve never been so rude while out for dinner. Kept checking phone for gay stuff and retro plastic TradeMe bids. Both so important. Won both
@cateowen – “Where were you when gay marriage became legal?” “On my couch, in the dark, in my undies, grooving to elevator music, and tweeting.” “Cool!”
@kiwi_chatter – The gay community would never destroy our social fabric, they would take that fabric and make something fabulous.
@cmranapia – Confident prediction: This time tomorrow nobody will have proposed to their pets or random farm animals. NOBODY. #marriageequalitynz
@nightwyrm – Wife’s going to make me eat something involving feta. It took less than 24hrs for my traditional marriage to be affected. #slipperyslope
@thecomedywife – TIME TO PLAN MY GAY CRIME WAVE. Mummy needs a new flat screen…

It should be called New Zealand Monopoly!
@bekitty – You narrowly avoid being hit by a bus because you looked the wrong way when crossing Molesworth St. Miss a turn. #WellingtonMonopolyCards
@realericyoung – Bank error in your favour. Westpac pays you $10 million #AucklandMonopolyCards
@kiwimrsmac – Your central Auckland villa is cold, uninsulated, with polished Kauri floors. Sell it for $1.5million and roll again #AucklandMonopolyCards
@greerberry – You buy a property in Pinehaven and claim it’s ‘Middle Hutt’. Gain $200 #WellingtonMonopolyCards
@kerry_mcbride – You order an RTD while in a craft beer bar. Get kicked out of Wellington forever. #WellingtonMonopolyCards
@theegonomist – Take a helicopter ride to Coatsville! The owner must pay you $20000. Roll again because this ‘never happened’ #AucklandMonopolyCards

And in other news ….
@h_yd_n – I’ve found my lactose intolerance extends to news about milk.
@matt_gibb – Drove by the Victoria St @TelecomNZ store and saw a guy inside so assumed it was open. It wasn’t. It was a cardboard cutout of me. Sassed.
@beekayNZ – My Anzac biscuits are way better than my Hot Cross Buns #observancebaking
@dancapper – In leiu of dawn service this year, I just made my own “morning reveille”. The cat left the room.
@irihapeta – 14yo always happy to see me home from work. Only cos I take the xBox cord with me each day. #schoolholidays #getoutsideforachange

 
Old Mout Cider

 

And the winner this week … D4 Damager, power to the people is … AnnaliesVK … get your strut on girl!

This was so much fun to compile! Thank you Cate for giving me the TOTM reins, to those that favourite good tweets and to Old Mout for the prize.

 

 

Xxx @tarasutherland

Posted on

Best Tweets: March 2013

Compiled by Anna Connell

March, and winter is coming. Fortunately for us funny tweeting is under consideration as a sport in both the Winter and Summer Olympics so there was no shortage of material. Census, attempts to alter the space time continuum, Popey smoke and another round of evidence that if nothing else, New Zealand is 100% pure class.

Keep it classy New Zealand
annettle Experiment, for funsies: Can I still get my big toe in my mouth? (Yes!)
‏guywilliamsguy Great to see that Nelson Library still subscribes to FHM magazine.
Wordgirlwriting Need to go get food, but society is all hung up about how I should wear pants when I leave the house.
fuck_lupus I’m 30 and I can’t even find my tits anymore. I could be sitting on them.
Tarasutherland Cabbage rolls. Delicious! Bet I’m going to fart like a brass band all day tomorrow though
Kiwi_Chatter At the ‘Shore to Shore’ fun run. Looks like most North Shore mums have dressed up as ‘Camel-toe Woman’.
ShakefieldCasey That awkward moment when you thought you had nail polish remover & paint a guys nails as a joke annnnd you don’t
Virginiafrankov #urbanlivingdilemma the bathroom door has locked itself shut. do i still drink my full glass of coke?
PolarBearFarm Casually strolling through the motor camp in a tux.

We stood up, got counted, and tweeted ourselves into a stupor in the process
TroyRF I can hold a conservation in Latin about everyday things if they include slaves, Greek merchants, and the eruption of Vesuvius. #census
Yakmoose when filling out your census form.. no one cares that you can speak klingon.
CasualLex Can I Facebook connect this or something and skip filling half the form? #census
Simonemccallum Two vital questions the #Census2013 didn’t ask: (1) Apple or Android (2) Marmite or Vegemite. Could make a big difference to funding choices
Vaughndavis #census tip: make sure you’ve stopped crying about the relationship status question before you start crying about the income question
Unstatusfactory If you’ve been on minimum wage for the last 6 months, you should write in “exploitation” as the main activity of your employer. #census
radiomum How can it take a census to discover my husband and I do not share the same religion?
brendonRS Drinking chamomile & spiced apple tea, with honey to sweeten. Wondering if I should revise my answer to the age question.

We tried to dispense wisdom from the future
CateOwen Almost every #tweetyour16yearoldself by a woman: “He’s a jerk”.  Almost every #tweetyour16yearoldself by a man: “Here’s how you get girls”.
Rose_Matafeo you’re not going to get any cooler, I’m so sorry #tweetyour16yearoldself
_jjw_ Don’t ever forget about Dre #tweetyour16yearoldself
dmc_21 #tweetyour16yearoldself Go to Georgie Pie and buy as many pies as you can afford and buy the biggest freezer you can find. Repeat heaps.
Damianchristie Don’t worry, you won’t go blind. Have fun, champ. #tweetyoursixteenyearoldself

The painfully obvious but very astute observation
Manikpixi There is nothing more painful to watch than a 13 year old boy when the internet is down.

Special smoke got in our eyes
L_To The new pope looks 100. Nice succession planning Catholics.
MrAaronHawkins Blue Smoke and we get a Maori Pope

If you know me, you know why this is here but it’s also a very valid point
TophHooperton If a man can’t lip-synch to Celine in the street with arms out and eyes closed in full fake-belt, then what are we fighting for?

 

Old Mout Cider

This month’s tweet of the month goes to fuck_lupus because word sister. Make sure you’re following Old Mout Cider to collect your prize!

Thanks to Cate for letting me do this and to the people who use the ‘favourite’ function on Twitter to save the funnies and not because they hope brainy boys will look at it and think you’re brainy too. (Seriously, mine are a boring embarrassment). Enjoy the cider and thanks Old Mout.