It’s always amusing – and facepalmy – when a song with stupid lyrics makes it to the Top 40.

What’s worse is when the lyrics are in equal parts stupid and disrespectful. It’s as if the lyricists don’t have two braincells to rub together.

What if we swapped the genders – make the women the singers and the men featured in the lyrics – would we see them for what they really are? Here’s a sample of upended lyrics from some fine tunes that hit the top of the charts this year – that’s 2012, not 1962.

Whistle – by Flo Rida
I’m betting you love creep mode, and I’m betting you like boys that give love to boys, and stroke your little ego

The moral: Men like boys that give love to boys. It strokes their egos, hard.

Turn All The Lights On – by T Pain
This must be his song, dancing like ain’t nobody else in here, Sexy as he wanna be and he dancing so close to me. I said ‘please excuse you steppin’ on expensive shoes’. He is a perfect ten, this angelic body made you sin. I love the way you get it in, come over here and shake it for a lady – cause you want it

The moral: It turns out men actually really WANT to dance in front of leering women! And true ladies want men to “shake it”. Just mind my shoes, pet. They be pricey.

Sorry For Party Rocking – LMFAO
When I’m in the club, sippin bub, really drunk, and I see a guys ass, gotta have it. I’ma grab it.

The moral: If you’re drunk, just grab some random ass. No one minds.

International Love – Pitbull
I’ve been to countries and cities I can’t pronounce, and places on the globe I didn’t know existed. In Romania, he pulled me to the side and told me “Pit, you can have me, and my brother.”

The moral: Pitbull should have stayed in school, and these lyrics are actually fucking creepy… Even when the genders aren’t reversed.

The Motto – Drake
Some Spanish boys love me like I’m on Aventura… Clubbing hard, fucking men, ain’t much to do.

The moral: When bored, get busy. It makes you look cool.

Leave You Alone – Young Jeezy
[Dear boyfriend:] keep your stomach, inner thighs, and your legs right, while I’m out here focus getting this bread right.

The moral: Women won’t support a man with a beer gut. Get it sorted, guys.

I’m actually sick of this stuff. It’s awful. Why do we buy into it, and let it lace itself into our culture?!

To finish, I’ll paraphrase the worst of them all: Faded, by Tyga and Lil Wayne. These men are class and I hope their families are proud.

• Women are dogs, so sexual partners get the nickname “Lassie”.
• During sex, put your thumb in a woman’s anus, and then make her smell it, in the hopes that she vomits.
• “Pregnant bitch titties” are bad because you can milk them.
• Have sex with a woman while playing your own music, then break “a bitch heart” once you’re done.

Stay classy, gentlemen.

This holiday, I went on a social media fast. No Twitter. No Facebook. I wasn’t allowing myself to see anything remotely work-related. I was having a Proper Break.

Sounded good in theory, but I didn’t realise just how much I used Twitter to keep up with news, and find alternative perspectives from the ones in my head, in the paper, or on the TV.

I Googled "Twitter Troll" and this came up. Pretty much exactly what I look like.

I’ll cheerfully admit, I’m sometimes a Twitter troll*. I’ll make a big, bold, topical statement, and then watch for fireworks. It’s interesting, the reactions you get: From the earnest to the angry, people on either side of the coin will either call you out or triumph their hurrahs!

Luckily, there’s truth mixed in there somewhere. The answer is never black-or-white, and opinion trolling – although must be used with caution – usually starts a fantastic discussion where we can all learn something, gain perspective, or feel grounded.

Another thing I didn’t do this week was share stuff I was reading or watching to Facebook or Twitter. It made me feel very disconnected – it turns out I’ve been using Twitter almost as a bookmark: A place where I can go back later, find the link, and share again. Not to mention the enjoyment my friends get from the good oil. I didn’t get to read their comments. I didn’t get to see what they were sharing.

No, this week, I haven’t been on Twitter. I haven’t seen the 140-character vox pops of people’s take on news and current affairs. I haven’t seen the trending topics. I had FOMO. It makes me feel out of touch, and I don’t like feeling out of touch.

The flip side is, I didn’t facepalm. Not once.

During my holiday, I never felt misunderstood (a misunderstood sometimes-troll? Who would have thought!). I didn’t get frustrated. I didn’t have to adopt the fetal position at all! I didn’t feel scrutinised – that at any moment something I tweet may get twisted and end up in the paper. No stress that a tweet – oopsie! – could come from an account it shouldn’t have. I did not see any of the mob-mentality, angry, angry tweets about something that doesn’t even matter in the scheme of things. I know, I know. Us “professionals” are supposed to wax lyrical about how we’re all amazingly thick skinned, and you shouldn’t be working near flames if you can’t handle heat etc. Wah, wah, wah. But let me tell you: This week, muting Twitter was bliss.

Well, it was very nearly bliss.

I missed seeing my friend’s streams of consciousness. I did miss taking advantage of “anyone free for a drink” tweets. I missed the warm humour and the pithy one liners.  I missed knowing the news when it happened. I missed BexieLady’s amusing pregnant oversharer tweets and TroyRFs ragey bus tweets.

It’s tweets like these that make Twitter what it is

It was also hard to not share my own random thoughts – having a really funny untweeted thought was almost like putting a note in a bottle and then never releasing it to the ocean to see what will happen.

Gawd, I did just write that.

Oh the things I could have tweeted! There was the half-hour phone call with my older brother, explaining why he couldn’t just use his first name as his Skype login, and then working out that he didn’t have an internet connection in first place. That would have been awesome to live tweet.  There was the time my flatmate a random person I was hanging out with,  upon seeing a happy child skipping along the street remarked, “bet that’s a weird little kid… I mean, ‘unique’ little kid. Whatever we’re supposed to call it these days.”

So Tweet-worthy.

But I digress.

The NZ Twitter crowd really is one big whanau. There’s the younger siblings, who bring us Bieber and Gaga and Shore Girls news. There’s the mums who make sure we’re all doing okay and eating our veges. There’s the angry uncles getting drunk and arguing the Demise Of Everything in the corner. There’s the older sisters who say “fuck it” and wear leopard print jeans with tie-died hoodies even though they look a bit mad. There’s the grandparents who are mostly graceful and amazing but turn out to be batshit crazy enough to hang out with the rest of us.

I missed you, tweeple.

*Trolling. Not to make people uncomfortable, or to show a company what a dick I am, but just to get people talking. And thinking, hopefully.

I think it’s awesome when people re-tell classic stories. I don’t even mind a modern twist or two.

How about when one combines two of my favourite things: Amusing YouTube clips and Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice? Yes please! So you know I’m going to love The Lizzie Bennet Diaries, which is basically a modern take, with a gorgeous Lizze and her two sisters (the older, Jane, a doting sweetheart, the younger, Lydia, a loveable “whore”.)

Episode 1: My Name is Lizzie Bennet

Episode 2: My Sisters: Problematic to Practically Perfect

Episode 3: My Parents: Opposingly Supportive

Episode 4: Bing Lee and his 500 Teenage Prostitutes

Episode 5: After the Wedding: The Real Bing Lee

Episode 6: Snobby Mr. Douchey

Episode 7: The Most Awkward Dance Ever

Episode 8: Charlotte’s Back!

Episode 9: Single and Happyish

I’ll add the new ones when I remember, but meanwhile you can subscribe here. Get amongst!

Here are the best Kiwi Tweets for April!

Twitter was made for tweets like these

1. @AliIkram Elmo talks about himself in the 3rd person a fair bit- may be an arsehole
2. @WriteOnNZ Courier just dropped off a package from Vanuatu complete with Vanuatian pubic hair protruding out from under the label. My life is complete
3. @AdrienneRewi Out walking. New catchphrase on Christchurch real estate signs. ‘Solid & Tidy.’
4. @AceMcWicked Orgy doesn’t, in itself, mean sex. If someone invites you to an orgy, make sure they mean ‘sex orgy’ and not, say, ‘orgy of accounting’
5. @bobsyauncle “Have you seen comic sans on a medicines label?” Finally, the serious issues in pharmacy are being investigated
6. @NZGeekGirl Watching Ryan Reynolds in the Green Lantern, just quietly, I think my ovaries exploded.
7. @graememoo2 Lost my glasses at the beach yesterday. Hoping the wash up on an island so a castaway can make fire.
8. @Tweet_Ti Scammer called at 6am to offer a discounted tickets to Orlando. I went to ‘find my credit card’ leaving ph off hook while I had a shower.
9. @TimWilsonBarrio Dreamd I found a fresh full tube of… toothpaste. Come on, subconscious, is that all you got? Really?
10. @josiecampbell Funny. Kimbra is somebody that I used to know.
11. @Kiwi_Chatter That awkward moment when you go up to take a photo of an abandoned house and it’s not actually abandoned.

Technology Tweets

12. @jonohutchison Can’t believe Zuckerberg bought Instagram for $1 billion. Pretty sure I got that app for free
13. @Monty64 The awkward moment when you accidentally click connect with someone you’ve never heard of on linkedin. D’oh.
14. @Vegrandis Pinterest is like looking at a 35 year old’s single white middle class desperately lonely female’s scrapbook.
15. @splatdevil Home phone just rang. Silence. Then computer voice saying ‘goodbye’. Is it judgement day? Has skynet finally taken control?

Bus Tweets of the month

16. @TroyRF 3 reasons this bus driver never made it into Snow White’s 7 dwarfs: 1. Too tall. 2. No beard. 3. Homicidey wouldn’t gel with the others.
17. @EllaJoanneM I’m both offended and relieved when a stranger doesn’t pick to sit next to me on the bus.
18. @Andrew_Scott The South Africans on the bus behind us were kissing, feeling each other up and saying how they are the best ever COUSINS. EWWW

HERP DERP!

19. @RachelRayner Eye cream and industrial adhesive should come packaged in distinctly different tubes
20. @Matt_Gibb Drove to work yesterday. Wish I’d remembered that when I caught the bus home after work. Just realized
21. @TophHooperton Accidentally splashed water on my crutch just before leaving the house then immediately ran into someone I know. Didn’t piss myself. DIDN’T.
22. @_AnnyMa And that, people, is why you must know the difference between ‘colon’ and ‘cologne’.
23. @not_friends Talking about boyfriend in code so I don’t ruin his game with Twitter babes either makes me the best girlfriend ever or touched in the head.

Stay classy, New Zealand

24. @Nightwyrm It’s okay that I’m not wearing pants while repeatedly watching the new Dark Knight Rise trailer, right? No-one on this train seems to mind.
25. @chandalier Trying on shoes in a shoe shop and random old guy about 80 not out says “give me some wine and I’ll drink it from your shoe”. WTF
26. @lmfbs I thought my nipple was moldy, but it turned out it was just towel fluff. It was a stressful few minutes.
26. @JessEtheridge You could feed a small village with the amount of food my bra catches.
27. @Brian_NZ I just ordered a long black, and was asked what size I wanted. That’ll teach me for ordering coffee in a mall.
28. @pinkdeedle My friend clare is telling me all about her dying uncle and i really need to wee but cant
29. @kirsty_johnston concerned that the sanitary disposal units at work are actually robots. our one looks like R2D2, continually pops up unprompted. frightening
30. @DanielRutledge There’s a bunch of dudes on queen street in orange vests asking for donations but not saying what for. One has ‘West Side’ drawn on his top.
31. @AnnaGConnell Just yelled ‘Clevedon rocks’ out the window. In Clevedon.
32. @JonathanJCarson Is 11:30pm an unreasonable time to bust out the guitar and have a sing-song? My neighbour doesn’t seem to think so.
33. @Pete_Robson Pak’n'Sav moment… Kids eating chocs straight from bulk bins. Parent sees. Tells them off. Takes Lollies from kid and eats themselves

Because looking good matters

34. @wenuwish Went to change into my PJs and then realized that I never got out of them this morning.
35. @_AnnyMa I’ve got my trackpants tucked into my bed socks, my fluffy hoodie on, and my hair in a bun. I call this the “paknsave look”

Kids.

36. @rosiecd Mr 6: “ew boys don’t wear pink jackets! Although, if I was a good puncher I would wear one”
37. @mariamajsa Can’t help feeling Rhys Darby missed a perfectly good opportunity to call one of his sons Abu and the other one Roller.
38. @Becs Were you at the Wynyard Quarter today? A nude child, a unicycling girl & a pirate on a clown’s bike. Yes, they were my children.
39. @KATEHAWKESBY Words you never want to hear when a child wakes you at 2.30am: “I’ve vomited. It’s everywhere.”
40. @AliCopeman MissG(8) just asked me “is that exactly what Tom said or are you paraphrasing?” When I retold a story… WT…

Politics

41. @MrReasonable Hey @Kim_Dot_Com seriously. If ever there was a use for a panic room, it’d be John Banks coming round.
42. @mikokiko Thank you to whoever chalked “Tony 2012 – he must be stopped” in giant letters on the waterfront. Early morning Lols Ftw.
43. @BoganetteNZ I bet when John Key has sex he looks in the mirror and waves. Like Patrick Bateman but way less hot, and way more dangerous.

Congrats to Boganette for collecting the most votes and Floppie for winning the random draw, and thanks to Old Mout Cider for the lovely prizes!

There’s a video that’s in the beginning stages of viral – and it won’t be too long before it becomes a fully fledged meme.

The reason for the viral is partially because the video is very funny, partially because it’s very odd.

An Indonesian woman dances in heels and a short skirt, on butter, to Adele’s Someone Like You.

Just watch the video.

Confused?

Melati Suryodarmo is a performance artist. In the original piece, she dances for 20 minutes on 20 blocks of butter to Indonesian shamanistic drums. When a YouTuber got hold of the clip, he replaced the original music with Adele, and so a meme was born.

Here she is, dancing to Skrillex. It’s not quite as poignant though.

And incase you were wondering, here’s the original butter dance, complete with all the, erm, natural sound effects.

Recently popular burger company Velvet Burger had their Facebook page deleted without warning.

Facebook have quietly updated their page terms, and if you have a brand page, you’re bound by them. Here’s some of the more unexpected ones, or ones we know people have had pages, posts or images removed for:

1. Your page name can’t be in capitals – except for acronyms.
2. Your page name can’t include “superfluous descriptions”.
3. Your cover can’t have price or purchase information, can’t have contact information like a website, can’t have calls to action like “tell your friends”
4. You can’t encourage your fans to use your cover image on their personal timelines.
5. Competitions can’t be done by commenting, sharing or uploading to your wall. (see Velvet Burger…), but MUST be done via an application tab.
6. Pages must not contain content that is hateful, threatening, defamatory, pornographic, incites violence or contains nudity.

The best thing you can do is read the rules. Check to see if they’ve been updated at least once a month, and don’t try to be sneaky and cheat your way around them – all it takes is one complaint and your page could be goneburger.

Video mapping has been around for a while, but never fails to impress me as a fun medium that makes an impression. Samsung have just released a new clip, projecting onto a model’s face and torso, so I figured I’d show you a couple of my favourite video mapping ads.

Here’s Samsung’s offering:

Interactive projection that responded to the audience’s noise:

Toyota also used the technology to market their Auris Hybrid:

Hyundai have also used it to show off their Accent in Kuala Lumpur:

And PlayStation3 got amongst – no SFX, no post production, no cuts:

Bonus:
PS3 Part 2

PS3 Part 3

Enjoy!

March was the month of the Marmite crisis, some road rules changed, and a Kiwi in London almost got arrested for being in love with his own biceps. Confused? Don’t be: Here are March’s best tweets!

Truth

@SpeelyFreaking ‘Lefty loosey, righty tighty’ also works for political leanings.
@xx_MCP Always take a fifty to the movies! Just in case you feel like snacks as well
@AdageBusiness you know you’re getting older when you attend more funerals in a year than birthdays

Traffic rule change

@robtreacher Starting Sunday, Kiwi motorists will be giving the finger to other turning traffic with the left hand and not the right.
@not_friends General rule: just think less than you currently do at intersections, and you’ll get it right.

Passive-aggressive texts

@_sarahdee Txt from temp flatty 2 other flatmate last night “don’t worry about the noise you are making, I’m going to take sleeping pill”.

Stay classy, New Zealand.

@aivanson Just seen the weirdest thing … Woman driving with beehive in back of SUV. Bees everywhere….
@AaronM_NZ Guy at fish and chip shop just asked for one potato fritter. “Oh and can I get $4 cash out?” Go west Auckland!
@BexieLady #pregnantoversharer told her mother which night she will be babysitting her yet to be born son so she can do an ‘all nighter’ & get wasted.
@Kiwi_Chatter They say “Marijuana and three prescription drugs in her system” like it’s a bad thing.
@jessepeach Taught my parents to use Skype tonight. Then my dad tried to squeeze a pimple on my mother’s face. I really don’t think they get it.
@pikelet Watching my flat mate use a pot as an iron. We’re trag.
@Covlin Awkward that I’ve just had to explain to a guy in his 70s how to access internet porn.
@callumprobable That awkward moment when you see a former work colleague ‘chatting up’ a hooker
@sithompson Overheard from teen girl at cafe in Takapuna: “No, I don’t feel anything for him anymore, but I am crushing on my OTHER cousin hard out.”

Twitter-based badasses

@Tarquin_Death Taking Codral “Day & Night” Night tablets… IN THE MORNING. Living on the edge today, people
@NinjaLikesCheez Just shouted ‘look at these guns!’ (meaning my massive biceps) forgetting in on a bus… In London…
@kebabette What’s the medical term for carpet burns on your cheeks?
@egesther Eating outta the pot. One of those nights.
@UseablePizza What happens if you put a stick in a non-stick pan?
@liltoastfairy yes I am tweeting from the shower

The next generation of Kiwis

@melhomer Just walked in on my 5 yr old wrapping his willy in cellotape. Now that’s going to end badly….
@manikpixi 12YO Son: I can’t go to school today. Me: Why not? 12YO: I’ve got Disco Fever. *dances* Me: Fair enough.
@Harfish Can’t find wooden H to complete baby’s name. May have to rename him Oxcixufum

Just encouraging the nation

@itcomeswithatoy Giving everyone on Trade Me ‘You is smart, you is kind, you is important’ reviews.
@_AnnyMa Ahahahahahaha International Women’s Day and Supre are both trending in NZ. Ahahahahahahahaha

Marmite-themed tweets

@evilkud As long as Hamilton exists their will never really be a lack of yeasty spreads in NZ
@DrBrash In 55 minutes I will be in Aotea Square, naked, covered in Marmite, Come rub your toast on me.

The exes

@pinkdeedle My ex just came over to get his clothes & I said THEY’RE IN RHE BLACK BAG & he’s gone home & I’ve realized he’s taken the rubbish bag.
@amiewee Ex wife asked me to change the background of her passport photo. So I did. Along with the shape of her eyes, chin and nose. Muwahaha.

I did a random draw this month, and @not_friends got pulled out of the hat* and is our Tweeter of the Month! Congrats, and make sure you’re following @OldMoutCider so they can send you a case of deliciousness

*may not have been an actual hat

Facebook have changed the way you load apps into your Facebook pages, and I spent a long time trying to figure out how to get tabs to display in Timeline.

Thanks to Nick McCabe, now I know. And it’s only fair you know, too.

• Create the webpage to be iframed the same way you always would – except now you can go as wide as 810px. Don’t forget you need https!
• Create the app the same as you normally would, except selecting the most appropriate tab width (narrow, 520px and wide, 810px).

Now for the bit no one tells you about:

• Go to https://www.facebook.com/dialog/pagetab?app_id=APPID&next=URL where APPID is your app id and URL is the url you’re framing in. Then add it to your page.

So simple. But so annoying.

An “add to my page” button would be so much better.

Facebook pages. So easy, anyone could do it, right?

Yes. But here’s the rub: There’s actually best practise for pages, and it seems like a lot of people don’t think about them. It’s as if the humans behind the business stop thinking like a Facebook user, and start thinking like a broadcaster.

Here’s five common mistakes people make on brand’s Facebook (and Twitter) pages.

They don’t write like a human

It’s okay for a brand to call someone “mate” online. It’s fine to start a post by saying “hey guys”. It builds rapport, reminds users that they’re talking to a human, not just a brand. It gives people the warm fuzzies, and does not look out of place in a social forum.

There’s a special place in my heart for brands who insist their name must be in capitals, all the time. On the internettywebs, that’s shouting. I get the branding thing – you know I do – but I once lost a disagreement with a client whose name was long, in capitals, and had a trademark on the end. They insisted the post contain their brand. Twice. And wouldn’t listen to reason. So I posted the status, and users called the brand out.

Because the WRITTEN FOR HUMANS®™ post didn’t look WRITTEN FOR HUMANS®™ at all.

Which ties into my next point:

They think in broadcast, not conversation

On behalf of the People of the Internet: Please stop telling us what to think. Help us experience your product or service for ourselves.

Page managers sometimes don’t seem to be aware that the internet is an amazing place where you can experience things not available to traditional broadcast. Ignoring the interactive part of social media just leaves you with media.

Which is fine, except then you’re missing 80% of the point of being on social media.

I know it can be difficult to get your head around, and thinking up interactive posts can be hard. It also feels a bit risky to step outside the “broadcast” box – it means things can (and will) go wrong.

It’s still worth it.

They repeat posts that didn’t work the first time

Again… Broadcast mentality. Repetition is fine in traditional outlets, but it’s a different story on social. If your audience didn’t engage with the post first time around, why would you keep hitting them over the head with it?

Adjust. Learn. Grow. And remember, if you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always have what you’ve always had.

They delete negative feedback

I know why this happens. It freaks brand people out to see something slamming the brand on the official page, so they get delete-happy. We can all think of examples of this…

Yes, a few unhappy punters can ruin the experience for others. Yes, you have to take feedback in context. But there are other ways of detailing with unhappy users, rather than deleting their message. You wouldn’t hang the phone up on them, right? So why delete their post?

How is this for a suggestion: Actually listen to the feedback.

Yeah, I went there. Stop being shit. And if you can’t stop it, minimise it. Adapt. Adjust. Revise. It’s like someone saying “I don’t like chocolate ice cream” and the brand saying “LAHLAHLAH, I can’t hear you!” and then doing a post about how great chocolate ice cream is.

Your fans offer you a gift when they give you honest feedback. Don’t slam the door in their face.

They measure themselves with the wrong yardstick

What’s actually important to your social media strategy? What’s your end goal? Do you want hits to your site? Brand awareness? Sell lots of product? Get your message out?

Long story short: It’s not all about follower or fan numbers.

What do you think are some of the main mistakes brands make on Facebook and other social media outlets?