“This Is Water” is a speech by American writer David Foster Wallace to the 2005 graduating class at Kenyon College.

I’m reminded again how we are all just people being people and doing people things, and that we are all in this together. Hopefully this brings you the same sense of peace and comfort it gave me.

His full speech is available on BrainPickings.

As part of the 2013 BNZ Literary Awards, sponsor BNZ have come up with a novel way to promote the short story competition they’ve been running for a few years now.

The competition, in which writers create tiny 150 word masterpieces, lends itself perfectly to social media platforms – everyone has a Facebook friend who posts status updates longer than that! (If you can’t think of one, chances are it’s you.)

Given that social platforms are becoming more image-based (think Pinterest and Instagram!), it’s pretty ingenious that the bank have created an app that turns the short stories into art, to be shared back to the platforms.

It may just be the quirky and fun incentive needed to get people out of their shells and writing. After all, it’s not every day your writing becomes art.

I especially appreciate the time taken by the BNZ to create this word art out of a particularly intelligent tweet of mine.

Have a play here:  www.bnzstoryart.co.nz

And if you’re looking for some tips on getting started: http://www.bnz.co.nz/static/www/docs/la/2013-BNZLA-Graeme-Beattie-SSS-writing-tips.pdf

Oh, and before you think I was clever when I came up with that title; Nope! That’s all on Tarquin_Death.

Compiled by Tara Sutherland

We demanded a lot of April and boy, did April deliver!

Some of us would be more than happy for the summer to continue however we needed rain and then it rained. We found out what channel number Parliament TV was and we continued to take the piss out of each other and the cities that we live in.

Just another day in New Zealand … we’re staying classy as always
@georgie_pienz – I hear mr whippy. He should really sell “grown up” treats. Like whiskey. Then i’d be tempted to run outside.
@annaliesvk – Just had the Renegade Master song in my head as I walked the wrong way through the express check out to get to the wine.
@littlemisspie - I can hear @AlexMC183 Skype chirping, @5hameless, he’s gone to the bathroom.
@meganbedford – Dinner happened after I’d tried on my new black icebreaker thermals top & leggings and pranced around pretending to be a mime
@hungryandfrozen – So glad I remembered I had those candy hearts, got quite close to eating the leftover sugar pills in an empty Pill packet I found in my bag.
@littlemisspie – My idea of being a well balanced person is liking both red and white wine.
@infovorematt – Pxted mum my test + assignment results now she’s proudly showing the ladies at work and suddenly I’m 5 w/ gold stars again.
@kirstigrant – My Grandad just asked me to run out to the letterbox to fetch him his paper. Apparently “that’s what little kids like to do”. And I did it…

Mike Hosking – Perfect Tweets
@cakeburger – saw some suspicious types by SPQR avoided them had caviar and dill on focaccia life is perfect #TweetLikeHosking
@cherylbernstein – Backed over a peasant today Maserati fine Foie gras in glovebox Life is perfect #TweetLikeHosking
@MikePerfectHosk - Really looking forward to putting my feet up later and enjoying a Peroni. Wouldn’t it be perfect if Peroni was Italian for perfect?
@mikehoskingzb – So now I am so famous and important Someone has parodied my twitter account Life is perfect #TweetLikeHosking
@eliterate – Sniggering just a little too much over #TweetLikeHosking gems; snorted Pinot out my nose. Life is perfect.
@liamdann – …thinking of starting LiamDann parody account so I can feel more important. Do most people do their own or do you hire Pead PR or someone?

Marriage Equality
@jessetheridge – When you realise how many firsts our Parliament has had, with people from all walks of life, it actually makes you proud to be a Kiwi.
@HORansome – Will “Parliament TV” get a second season? How will they top this episode? Hope tonight isn’t a cliffhanger? #marriageequalitynz
@beckeleven – I’ve never been so rude while out for dinner. Kept checking phone for gay stuff and retro plastic TradeMe bids. Both so important. Won both
@cateowen – “Where were you when gay marriage became legal?” “On my couch, in the dark, in my undies, grooving to elevator music, and tweeting.” “Cool!”
@kiwi_chatter – The gay community would never destroy our social fabric, they would take that fabric and make something fabulous.
@cmranapia – Confident prediction: This time tomorrow nobody will have proposed to their pets or random farm animals. NOBODY. #marriageequalitynz
@nightwyrm – Wife’s going to make me eat something involving feta. It took less than 24hrs for my traditional marriage to be affected. #slipperyslope
@thecomedywife – TIME TO PLAN MY GAY CRIME WAVE. Mummy needs a new flat screen…

It should be called New Zealand Monopoly!
@bekitty – You narrowly avoid being hit by a bus because you looked the wrong way when crossing Molesworth St. Miss a turn. #WellingtonMonopolyCards
@realericyoung – Bank error in your favour. Westpac pays you $10 million #AucklandMonopolyCards
@kiwimrsmac – Your central Auckland villa is cold, uninsulated, with polished Kauri floors. Sell it for $1.5million and roll again #AucklandMonopolyCards
@greerberry – You buy a property in Pinehaven and claim it’s ‘Middle Hutt’. Gain $200 #WellingtonMonopolyCards
@kerry_mcbride – You order an RTD while in a craft beer bar. Get kicked out of Wellington forever. #WellingtonMonopolyCards
@theegonomist - Take a helicopter ride to Coatsville! The owner must pay you $20000. Roll again because this ‘never happened’ #AucklandMonopolyCards

And in other news ….
@h_yd_n – I’ve found my lactose intolerance extends to news about milk.
@matt_gibb – Drove by the Victoria St @TelecomNZ store and saw a guy inside so assumed it was open. It wasn’t. It was a cardboard cutout of me. Sassed.
@beekayNZ – My Anzac biscuits are way better than my Hot Cross Buns #observancebaking
@dancapper - In leiu of dawn service this year, I just made my own “morning reveille”. The cat left the room.
@irihapeta – 14yo always happy to see me home from work. Only cos I take the xBox cord with me each day. #schoolholidays #getoutsideforachange

And the winner this week … D4 Damager, power to the people is … AnnaliesVK … get your strut on girl!

This was so much fun to compile! Thank you Cate for giving me the TOTM reins, to those that favourite good tweets and to Old Mout for the prize.

Xxx @tarasutherland

Compiled by Anna Connell

March, and winter is coming. Fortunately for us funny tweeting is under consideration as a sport in both the Winter and Summer Olympics so there was no shortage of material. Census, attempts to alter the space time continuum, Popey smoke and another round of evidence that if nothing else, New Zealand is 100% pure class.

Keep it classy New Zealand
annettle Experiment, for funsies: Can I still get my big toe in my mouth? (Yes!)
‏guywilliamsguy Great to see that Nelson Library still subscribes to FHM magazine.
Wordgirlwriting Need to go get food, but society is all hung up about how I should wear pants when I leave the house.
fuck_lupus I’m 30 and I can’t even find my tits anymore. I could be sitting on them.
Tarasutherland Cabbage rolls. Delicious! Bet I’m going to fart like a brass band all day tomorrow though
Kiwi_Chatter At the ‘Shore to Shore’ fun run. Looks like most North Shore mums have dressed up as ‘Camel-toe Woman’.
ShakefieldCasey That awkward moment when you thought you had nail polish remover & paint a guys nails as a joke annnnd you don’t
Virginiafrankov #urbanlivingdilemma the bathroom door has locked itself shut. do i still drink my full glass of coke?
PolarBearFarm Casually strolling through the motor camp in a tux.

We stood up, got counted, and tweeted ourselves into a stupor in the process
TroyRF I can hold a conservation in Latin about everyday things if they include slaves, Greek merchants, and the eruption of Vesuvius. #census
Yakmoose when filling out your census form.. no one cares that you can speak klingon.
CasualLex Can I Facebook connect this or something and skip filling half the form? #census
Simonemccallum Two vital questions the #Census2013 didn’t ask: (1) Apple or Android (2) Marmite or Vegemite. Could make a big difference to funding choices
Vaughndavis #census tip: make sure you’ve stopped crying about the relationship status question before you start crying about the income question
Unstatusfactory If you’ve been on minimum wage for the last 6 months, you should write in “exploitation” as the main activity of your employer. #census
radiomum How can it take a census to discover my husband and I do not share the same religion?
brendonRS Drinking chamomile & spiced apple tea, with honey to sweeten. Wondering if I should revise my answer to the age question.

We tried to dispense wisdom from the future
CateOwen Almost every #tweetyour16yearoldself by a woman: “He’s a jerk”.  Almost every #tweetyour16yearoldself by a man: “Here’s how you get girls”.
Rose_Matafeo you’re not going to get any cooler, I’m so sorry #tweetyour16yearoldself
_jjw_ Don’t ever forget about Dre #tweetyour16yearoldself
dmc_21 #tweetyour16yearoldself Go to Georgie Pie and buy as many pies as you can afford and buy the biggest freezer you can find. Repeat heaps.
Damianchristie Don’t worry, you won’t go blind. Have fun, champ. #tweetyoursixteenyearoldself

The painfully obvious but very astute observation
Manikpixi There is nothing more painful to watch than a 13 year old boy when the internet is down.

Special smoke got in our eyes
L_To The new pope looks 100. Nice succession planning Catholics.
MrAaronHawkins Blue Smoke and we get a Maori Pope

If you know me, you know why this is here but it’s also a very valid point
TophHooperton If a man can’t lip-synch to Celine in the street with arms out and eyes closed in full fake-belt, then what are we fighting for?

This month’s tweet of the month goes to fuck_lupus because word sister. Make sure you’re following Old Mout Cider to collect your prize!

Thanks to Cate for letting me do this and to the people who use the ‘favourite’ function on Twitter to save the funnies and not because they hope brainy boys will look at it and think you’re brainy too. (Seriously, mine are a boring embarrassment). Enjoy the cider and thanks Old Mout.

Take a first look at the brand new X Factor NZ ads, rolling out today!

Melanie Blatt

Stan Walker

Ruby Frost

Daniel Bedingfield

I am really excited to be working on this show – I think it’s going to be huge!

Cantina is scary, funny, mind-bending and beautiful.

Described as “a spectacularly dark and dangerous cocktail of circus”, it’s cabaret featuring characters who titillate and at the same time, frighten; Acts of stupidity or bravery, depending on how you look at them; And people who make you laugh, and a heartbeat later, gasp.

The men are breathtakingly handsome, full of roguish, flirty charm, and the women live comfortably flowing between doe-eyed innocence and all out sadism – what else would you expect in a world where walking a tightrope in high heels is all in a day’s work.

I recommend you catch it as part of the Auckland Arts Festival, currently on in Auckland.

Tickets are $65 and the show runs til Sunday.
Contains full nudity and simulated violence.

In Twitter’s earlier days, we used to tweet about things that, although safe for work, were a little on the naughty side. One person would tweet something slightly dodgy, and another would tweet back “there goes your brand!”

Yes, I know, we were hilarious.

But there was a grain of truth to those tweets, which is why so many high-profile social media people in NZ are now upping their Facebook privacy settings, retreating to locked Twitter accounts, and taking old YouTube clips down.

There’s a cultural issue in New Zealand around what we expect of heavy digital users – and you’re damned if you do, and damned if you don’t. I’m talking about taking charge of your digital profiles: Branding YOU and making sure what you present is the way you want it.

The other day, social media consultant Courtney Lambert published this blog about online personal branding. In a nutshell, while the concept of personal branding is widely accepted and expected internationally, in New Zealand it’s often looked upon with derision or suspicion: Personal branding is for celebrities, and if you think you’re a celebrity, then you’re a dick.

Here’s the rub: If you are online, you need to take care of how you appear online regardless of your [lack of] celebrity status. You need to take ownership of your actions, know your boundaries, and have a bit of a plan – you can bet potential employers, lovers, and friends are googling you if they want to know more!

Nothing is secret, really. Trolls can be found, workplaces googled, last names attached to first names on seemingly anon Twitter accounts. If you’re doing something online that would make you embarrassed offline, you probably shouldn’t be doing it!

Transparency issues aside, New Zealanders tend to have a problem with Kiwis saying they’re good at something, let alone able to offer advice to others. We have performance anxiety. We don’t like tall poppies. We like to think we live in a society without classes, despite making fun of “white trash”, “westies”, “people from Gore”, or “dole bludgers”. We also tend to think that if someone’s putting themselves out there and trying to build a profile for themselves, then they are “asking for it” or “deserve everything they get”.

Yet we don’t think the same way about Americans, or Brits, or Canadians, or Scots. We nod enthusiastically and gobble up their wisdom. It’s the old “expert from out of town” syndrome.

The other issue is the way we think about each other in relation to where we work, to our jobs, and how much accountability or personal opinion comes from that. Where is the personal/professional boundary? Sure, we are not our workplaces, but how much of how we behave online is a reflection on our ability to do our jobs?

Some New Zealanders assume that because someone works somewhere they:

1. Love and support everything their workplace does,
2. Hate and deride everything their work’s competitors do,
3. Are massively biased because of their job,
4. Must behave to a certain standard because of where they work, regardless of what crap people throw at them. I’ve seen trolls bait people, trying to get a response so they can run off to that person’s employer. But it’s not just trolls running off to employers – I’ve heard about a NZ company approaching someone’s employer over a tweet about a bad product/service.

Please note, the rules don’t apply to those who are calling others out on them. That would be hypocritical.

There is a thorny issue in there – can you publicly talk about things your work’s competitors are up to that you like? Would you go on the radio and say that? Or is it a case of knowing what “good” looks like, and simply acknowledging it? Keep in mind, it sometimes makes the national paper when workers from one company congratulate their workplace’s competitors via social media.

As a country, we’ve got some growing up to do.

Owning yourname.co.nz or .com is commonsense in this day and age. Having a blog for your thoughts, opinions, and digital curation is a good thing. Positioning yourself as helpful or knowledgeable about an area where you’re educated and/or experienced is not uppity, it’s fact – and good business sense!

It’s time to think about this stuff, or find yourself overtaken by people who are.

Those of you who regularly use Twitter (or Instagram, or Pinterest, etc) will be familiar with hashtags. For those who aren’t, a hashtag is a way of grouping similar tweets or photos – like a tag. When enough of them happen in a short amount of time, that tag starts to trend.

Why anyone would choose to hijack a trending topic for their unrelated business is beyond me.

Reason 1: It’s not about reach anymore
If you’re going to market your company via Twitter, put your old rulebook away. It’s not all about reach and frequency on social media, it’s about finding the right audience and connecting with them in meaningful and helpful ways.

Reason 2: You look like you don’t understand hashtags/the platform/your audience
You know those #people #who #hashtag #every #word so the tags become nearly meaningless? Or those mindless bots who tweet rubbish just to get their URL onto the top trending topics? They’re pretty much the lowest rung of Twitter users, due to their abuse of tags, and if you do it, you’ll be right down there with them.

Reason 3: You’re being rude
If you don’t respect the community, it won’t respect you. Imagine a group of friends at a party. Rather than participating in the conversation, you interject and start talking about your company. That’s what you’re doing when you hijack a hashtag. It’s not cheeky, or funny, or cute… It’s rude.

Reason 4: Spam is spam
Sure, spam has a click through rate good enough to justify spammers going at it, but no respectable business should be spamming people on ANY platform. You’re sending unsolicited commercial messages in an electronic format to an unrelated hashtag where a group of people will be unable to avoid it; Sounds a lot like something that could be covered under the Unsolicited Electronic Messages Act of 2007, if you think about it.

Reason 5: It can damage your business
If you don’t know why the topic is trending, or abuse the tag regardless, you can irrevocably damage your business. There are heaps of examples of this floating around. Here’s one: Just after the Aurora shooting in the US, Celeb Boutique sent this out.

You can read more about it here.

As I said: Why would anyone would choose to hijack a trending topic for their unrelated business?

Compiled by Belinda Too

As we’ve been enjoying this glorious endless summer all February long, our tweets have provided a curious record of what we’ve been up to. Some pretty weird stuff, it turns out.

Please put down your coffee so you don’t spray it out your nose over your keyboard.

Amazing True Stories of Twitter
MsBeeton Googling ‘when blowing nose water bubbles out of eye’. Yeah that happened.
Pilot_Magazine Just casually sitting in a maserati with an ex Russian military intelligence officer on the way to a super yacht. True story.
davidfarrier day off. at the beach. a flower fell on my back and I screamed. look forward to what other terrors await.
CyrisXD Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog.. my bad dude.. my bad.
THE_VONK 11 is a lot of puppies to squirt out of one dog aye?
ghewgill rmi Do let us know if you start growing tentacles. Somebody from the internet will be by to take pictures.

Keep It Classy, NZ (this is what Twitter is for, amirite?)
BrightBlackNZ Just sassed a 14 y/o girl for making fun of a pregnant lady for being ‘fat.’ I said “I’d be nice if I was you. That’ll be you in a year.”
robertandjono I bet that 19 year old dude with 13 kids has named them all after cars and Eminem songs
Covlin Just walked FULLY into a pole while tweeting. Knocked completely over. Totally pretended like nothing happened. Now my head and penis hurt.
WayneHatesFruit The prostitute outside of Dick Smith’s said “mmm mmm mmm” to me. Oh yeah, I’ve still got it…
emmalouisejohn Thought I had terrible dark circles under my eyes this am. Turns out it was last night’s make up. Mixed emotions.
kirsty_johnston Drying my hair out the window on the motorway enroute to a press conference. All class
NessOldfield Young woman rocking her leopard print onsie. Go Te Atatu Peninsula. #HappyFriday

Crafting Tips to Prevent Embarrassment
natdudley Related: hold onto your ball of yarn when the flight is landing to prevent it rolling all the way down the aisle.

The Pope  (if you had your filters on, you missed everything, sadly even people inviting you out for eggs benedict)
farmgeek So the retired Pope will live in the Vatican, neighbour to the new Pope. Best new sitcom premise ever?
@robtreacher ”Former Pope” would be pretty cool to have on the old cv.

Valentine’s Day was Just Another Day
pinkdeedle My boyfriend text me. “happy valuations day”. Oh.
DanniiGardiner Some call it valentines day but I call it Thursday
RyanSproull Can’t believe no one’s endorsed me for “Long Walks on the Beach” on LinkedIn yet.

Jokes I Laughed At
NZCoroner #YOLO
guywilliamsguy “Farming confidence down” – Come on farmers you’re doing a great job! Those gumboots look great on you by the way!

And the winner of February’s Tweet of the Month is @CyrisXD for the leapfrog-gone-wrong story! Enjoy your cider, and you can follow them too @OldMoutCider

Thank you Cate for allowing me to be a guest editor – it’s been fun compiling this list.  I hope you have all laughed a lot and now have new hilarious people to follow. love, @blendy

I wrote this two years ago, as the Tweets of the Month from the month of That Quake – and as posterous, where it was hosted, is closing down, I thought it should be kept.

February 2011: There’s something wonderful about the Kiwi spirit. We’re opinionated, bulshy, and have awesome senses of humour. And given the terrible events of the last week, that sense of humour has done us proud.

Here’s to you, New Zealand, you funny, amazing people.

nasstkVEVO I’d like to personally thank the U.S for sending 960 Portaloos to Christchurch. When things turn to shit, we know we can count on you
Tarquin_Death The bottle of ‘earthquake vodka’ is getting low. Almost time to open the earthquake rum! Not sure the earthquake is a good influence on me.
securitygalnz No power/water = no bathroom cleaning, washing, ironing, vacuuming, car cleaning or mowing lawns = silver lining to #eqnz
Kiwi05 Only in NZ would the mayor describe the broken sewage system as “seriously munted”
harvestbird The dogs assembled around me and the bush toilet at dawn, as if to say, we knew you’d join us out here one day.
richirvine Everyone, make sure you hug + kiss your partners and kids tonight. Not your flatmates though, that leads to dark places.
brianedwardsmed Just heard – from total stranger on Twitter – that my daughter and family are ok. He went round to her house for me . Kindness in bad times. 
JohnJCampbell Dear Christchurch, and all who love that city, what can any of us say, except we’re carrying you in our hearts.
NZTopModelColin As always, be considerate of someone more vulnerable than yourself. Strength is multiplied when the burden is shared.
LitaNZ We are all family, no matter where we come from and our backgrounds. WE WILL get through this. WE WILL stand as a nation again!
nathanknz These shakes just keep coming. Every time I feel one I can’t help but think what it must be like for those amongst the rubble.

 benkepes Hope. Pure and simple

This person (a complete stranger to me) responded to a tweet of mine. I was trying to locate the mother of a friend in the UK. She actually went round to his mum’s house and then tweeted me that she was fine. You can imagine the relief of her son after waiting over 24 hours and hearing nothing. Just awesome. – Marg