Category: Tweets Of The Month

Compiled by Anna Connell

March, and winter is coming. Fortunately for us funny tweeting is under consideration as a sport in both the Winter and Summer Olympics so there was no shortage of material. Census, attempts to alter the space time continuum, Popey smoke and another round of evidence that if nothing else, New Zealand is 100% pure class.

Keep it classy New Zealand
annettle Experiment, for funsies: Can I still get my big toe in my mouth? (Yes!)
‏guywilliamsguy Great to see that Nelson Library still subscribes to FHM magazine.
Wordgirlwriting Need to go get food, but society is all hung up about how I should wear pants when I leave the house.
fuck_lupus I’m 30 and I can’t even find my tits anymore. I could be sitting on them.
Tarasutherland Cabbage rolls. Delicious! Bet I’m going to fart like a brass band all day tomorrow though
Kiwi_Chatter At the ‘Shore to Shore’ fun run. Looks like most North Shore mums have dressed up as ‘Camel-toe Woman’.
ShakefieldCasey That awkward moment when you thought you had nail polish remover & paint a guys nails as a joke annnnd you don’t
Virginiafrankov #urbanlivingdilemma the bathroom door has locked itself shut. do i still drink my full glass of coke?
PolarBearFarm Casually strolling through the motor camp in a tux.

We stood up, got counted, and tweeted ourselves into a stupor in the process
TroyRF I can hold a conservation in Latin about everyday things if they include slaves, Greek merchants, and the eruption of Vesuvius. #census
Yakmoose when filling out your census form.. no one cares that you can speak klingon.
CasualLex Can I Facebook connect this or something and skip filling half the form? #census
Simonemccallum Two vital questions the #Census2013 didn’t ask: (1) Apple or Android (2) Marmite or Vegemite. Could make a big difference to funding choices
Vaughndavis #census tip: make sure you’ve stopped crying about the relationship status question before you start crying about the income question
Unstatusfactory If you’ve been on minimum wage for the last 6 months, you should write in “exploitation” as the main activity of your employer. #census
radiomum How can it take a census to discover my husband and I do not share the same religion?
brendonRS Drinking chamomile & spiced apple tea, with honey to sweeten. Wondering if I should revise my answer to the age question.

We tried to dispense wisdom from the future
CateOwen Almost every #tweetyour16yearoldself by a woman: “He’s a jerk”.  Almost every #tweetyour16yearoldself by a man: “Here’s how you get girls”.
Rose_Matafeo you’re not going to get any cooler, I’m so sorry #tweetyour16yearoldself
_jjw_ Don’t ever forget about Dre #tweetyour16yearoldself
dmc_21 #tweetyour16yearoldself Go to Georgie Pie and buy as many pies as you can afford and buy the biggest freezer you can find. Repeat heaps.
Damianchristie Don’t worry, you won’t go blind. Have fun, champ. #tweetyoursixteenyearoldself

The painfully obvious but very astute observation
Manikpixi There is nothing more painful to watch than a 13 year old boy when the internet is down.

Special smoke got in our eyes
L_To The new pope looks 100. Nice succession planning Catholics.
MrAaronHawkins Blue Smoke and we get a Maori Pope

If you know me, you know why this is here but it’s also a very valid point
TophHooperton If a man can’t lip-synch to Celine in the street with arms out and eyes closed in full fake-belt, then what are we fighting for?

 

This month’s tweet of the month goes to fuck_lupus because word sister. Make sure you’re following Old Mout Cider to collect your prize!

Thanks to Cate for letting me do this and to the people who use the ‘favourite’ function on Twitter to save the funnies and not because they hope brainy boys will look at it and think you’re brainy too. (Seriously, mine are a boring embarrassment). Enjoy the cider and thanks Old Mout.

 

Compiled by Belinda Too

As we’ve been enjoying this glorious endless summer all February long, our tweets have provided a curious record of what we’ve been up to. Some pretty weird stuff, it turns out.

Please put down your coffee so you don’t spray it out your nose over your keyboard.

Amazing True Stories of Twitter
MsBeeton Googling ‘when blowing nose water bubbles out of eye’. Yeah that happened.
Pilot_Magazine Just casually sitting in a maserati with an ex Russian military intelligence officer on the way to a super yacht. True story.
davidfarrier day off. at the beach. a flower fell on my back and I screamed. look forward to what other terrors await.
CyrisXD Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog.. my bad dude.. my bad.
THE_VONK 11 is a lot of puppies to squirt out of one dog aye?
ghewgill rmi Do let us know if you start growing tentacles. Somebody from the internet will be by to take pictures.

Keep It Classy, NZ (this is what Twitter is for, amirite?)
BrightBlackNZ Just sassed a 14 y/o girl for making fun of a pregnant lady for being ‘fat.’ I said “I’d be nice if I was you. That’ll be you in a year.”
robertandjono I bet that 19 year old dude with 13 kids has named them all after cars and Eminem songs
Covlin Just walked FULLY into a pole while tweeting. Knocked completely over. Totally pretended like nothing happened. Now my head and penis hurt.
WayneHatesFruit The prostitute outside of Dick Smith’s said “mmm mmm mmm” to me. Oh yeah, I’ve still got it…
emmalouisejohn Thought I had terrible dark circles under my eyes this am. Turns out it was last night’s make up. Mixed emotions.
kirsty_johnston Drying my hair out the window on the motorway enroute to a press conference. All class
NessOldfield Young woman rocking her leopard print onsie. Go Te Atatu Peninsula. #HappyFriday

Crafting Tips to Prevent Embarrassment
natdudley Related: hold onto your ball of yarn when the flight is landing to prevent it rolling all the way down the aisle.

The Pope  (if you had your filters on, you missed everything, sadly even people inviting you out for eggs benedict)
farmgeek So the retired Pope will live in the Vatican, neighbour to the new Pope. Best new sitcom premise ever?
@robtreacher “Former Pope” would be pretty cool to have on the old cv.

Valentine’s Day was Just Another Day
pinkdeedle My boyfriend text me. “happy valuations day”. Oh.
DanniiGardiner Some call it valentines day but I call it Thursday
RyanSproull Can’t believe no one’s endorsed me for “Long Walks on the Beach” on LinkedIn yet.

Jokes I Laughed At
NZCoroner #YOLO
guywilliamsguy “Farming confidence down” – Come on farmers you’re doing a great job! Those gumboots look great on you by the way!

 

 

 

And the winner of February’s Tweet of the Month is @CyrisXD for the leapfrog-gone-wrong story! Enjoy your cider, and you can follow them too @OldMoutCider

 

 

 

Thank you Cate for allowing me to be a guest editor – it’s been fun compiling this list.  I hope you have all laughed a lot and now have new hilarious people to follow. love, @blendy

 

Compiled by Vicky Rawhiti-Forbes

As it should be during summer holidays, we spent a great deal of the past month drinking. Then we went back to work and watched cat videos.  One generous tweep shared extracts from her teenage diary, and we may never look at Oprah the same way again. Here are January’s tweets of the month.

Bottoms up
@BenQuigan I’m too drunk, too many waiheke
@nikkitheknitter I’m at the stage where it feels appropriate to finish other’s abandoned glasses of wine at the table. #weddingettiquite #quitedrunk
@AshleyCnz Shingle Peak says its new 500ml bottle is “perfect for two”. I think it’s misspelled one
@DanniiGardiner So I just woke up handcuffed to myself. What happened last night #hensnight
@annemjw Signs the person you are hanging with may have had A Night? Powerade-blue tongue.
@Robbo_Junior I’m having fruit salad for lunch. It’s mostly grapes. All grapes actually. Fermented grapes. Ok, I’m having wine for lunch.

Face, meet palm
@beanbiz Read the ‘rinse just before use’ label on the blueberries. After demolishing them all. Do I drink a glass of water to now to clean them?
@TroyRF Mum: “How do we cremate a frog?” Brother: “Do we put it on a toothpick?” Decision: Burial. #FrogRF
@RachelRayner Watching cat videos. Ad: Are you single? Meet men near you! Shut up, YouTube, stop judging my choices.
@TophHooperton Something huge with a lot of legs crawled across my bed and then Kaiser Soze disappeared before I could fight it. #hyperventilating
@pinkdeedle I just dried myself with a tea towel after a shower. Must do washing.
@CyrisXD Person is typing…Person is typing…Person is typing…Person is typing…Person is typing…Person: Hi.

Like a boss
@MeghanMutrie Slow clap to Oprah’s team for figuring out how to get men to openly watch Oprah.
@CateOwen Bought a bunch of those naff stick figure car decals and have been slowly adding to the neighbour’s collections. Only God can judge me.
@hamish_keith Someone knocked on the door and asked what did I think the “personal name of Gd was?” I suggested Fred and they went off in a huff
@EstherStephens_ Dear neighbours. If your shit music is loud enough for me to shazam and establish what bullshit you are listening to, IT’S TOO DAMN LOUD.
@kittenypentland Tomorrow I am going to go up to a bald man and ask him if his carpet matches his drapes. I suggest you do the same.

Kiwi as
@cathmarygeorge Sat next to some Americans at lunch who were quite disappointed that the kiwi burger at McDs here didn’t have actual kiwi in it
@JennySuo My mother on the NZ Police force: “They don’t even get to use guns! They run around with those tweezers instead!”
@kirsty_johnston You know, when the early settlers nicknamed Russell “the hell-hole of the Pacific” they’d obviously never envisaged Waitakere District Court

The diary of a teenaged tweep
@BoganetteNZ happened upon a diary from her teen years. We spent the evening glued to Twitter while she quoted gems from her journal and added comments from her older, wiser self.

• “Mum told me to fuck off 2day. She is such a fucked whore of satan slut bitch cunt. I’m going to kill her, steal her pills and sell them”
• Oh Jesus. “MY FUNERAL: play Dolphins Cry, bury me with my Marlborough lights, party at K Bar afterwards, red coffin please” LIVE? LIVE?
• “I love Jax so much I can’t even breathe my lungs are made of water. Fuck my mum is a whore. I hope she dies.” Who the fuck is Jax?
• “I am actually having the best week. Other than my mum being a fucking whore. I want to stab her every day”
• “We are going to the beach today!! I got a new bikini I look ok. Better than that fucking whore Gemma. Also I got a kitten! So cute”
• “I am so in love with David” Let me guess…David gets a hand job? I’m like Oprah. You get a handjob! And you get a handjob!

 

This month’s winner of some delicious cider is @BenQuigan. Thanks, Old Mout! Make sure to follow them: @OldMoutCider.

And thanks to Cate for putting her baby in my care this month. What a fun way to start the year!

 

 

Cate’s note: I hope you’ve all enjoyed Vicky’s sweet tweet choices, and thanks again for all your nominations – I couldn’t do this without all of you! I have enough guest editors to see us through to August, so I’ll put another call out in the middle of the year. If you’d like to be a guest ed, keep your eyes peeled for that.

Here are answers to some of the frequently asked questions I get about Tweets of the Month.

How do you pick who appears in TOTM?
Thoughout the month, I keep an eye out for tweets that are either really funny, or really poignant. People also nominate tweets they enjoy. I make sure they meet the criteria, cull it for size, and then publish. Sometimes I’ll ask guest editors to do it on my behalf.

What is the criteria for TOTM?
You need to be in NZ, or be a Kiwi abroad. Sometimes I’ll include infamous tweets about New Zealand. The other important note is that the tweet has to make sense outside of context – i.e. it doesn’t work to read an in-joke out of context a few weeks later.

The tweet also has to be ‘alive’ at the time of publish – if the author deletes the tweet, I won’t publish it.

How can I nominate someone?
The best way is to tweet me a link to the tweet you want to nominate. I prefer to not have the nominee cced in just in case the tweet doesn’t meet the criteria or make the cut. Failing that, you can send me the tweet. Thank you all so much for your nominations – even if I don’t use them all, I appreciate them all.

Can someone with a private account be nominated?
Yes. I’ll ask their permission before I publish the tweet.

Can I get a tweet removed from the list?
Yes. Just send me a message.

Do you only pick your friends?
People nominated include a mix of people I know, and people I don’t. I don’t care if I know the person or not, I don’t care if they’ve been in every single TOTM before. In a nutshell, if the tweet makes me laugh or think, and it meets the other criteria, it’ll probably be in there. I’ve followed some amazing new people thanks to other people’s nominations.

How long have you been doing this for?
Since 2009. You can read my first TOTM on the blog it started on.

How do you get the prizes?
Companies sometimes approach me, asking to partner on TOTM. I figured it would be nice to give a treat to someone, so that’s why y’all get some goodies. They have no say on the editorial content of TOTM.

Any more qs just hit me up in the comments.

Time for the best Kiwi Tweets of November! There were a LOT of nominations this month – it’s great to see some fresh faces amongst our regulars! Thanks to everyone who messaged me your favourites.

Parenting Tweets
‏@harvestbird Based on a sample set of two, everyone is teething. You, clearly, are teething. Those buildings there are teething. This desk is teething.
@bobsyauncle I love this time of year & being able to invoke “Santa’s Naughty List” blackmail
@MsKateMcD 7 yr old daughter opens birthday card from grandparents, finds generous birthday cheque. Looks at it, bewildered – “what is it?”
@jamesotron Just rang the phone in the kitchen to tell the 8yo to get dressed so I didn’t have to get up
@delphijunkie Miss 14 is at home studying today. Apparently Spongebob is on the curriculum this year
@CherylBernstein “I always eat the gingerbread man’s head first, Mum, because otherwise he has to watch himself die, which is a bit mean.”

That New Zealand feel
@Atomic_Moog Yes, the Black Caps are playing on Sky Sport tonight RT @lisalooloo70: Is there a Sunday horror?
@BexieLady “I don’t sleep with guys in their cars, the boys I sleep with don’t have cars!” Oh Christchurch, full of great comebacks and class.
@shazndolly when I woke up it was all Trelise and sunny. Now its cloudy and Glassons 🙁
@kebabette The only way I could be more bored by The Hobbit is if it starred Kim Dotcom, Dan Carter, and a big jar of marmite.
@Dovil Hekia Parata should finish off each set of meaningless ramblings with a flourish of jazz hands and a canon shooting glitter.

Stay Classy
@Sidawg2 Saw someone flip the bird to a passing car today and then immediately walk into a pole
@oldmannato I was bringing sexy back this morning, but I didn’t have the receipt and now I’m stuck with all this sexy
@pinkdeedle Got stuck in the toilets at restaurant. Had to text for help. A screwdriver was used. I got a free dessert.
@sonyamanchiraju “Welcome to the family. Here’s your deworming tablet.” – Early days with mother-in-law.
@ryansallan I do NOT recommend chopping chillies then handling genitals….
@BitchAboutDevoWhen i play monopoly i always end up going directly to jail. Maybe its because I’m black?
@antsgardiner I would like to use the same PR agency that dolphins use. Those dudes are badass, calculating, killers, but everyone loves them
@Paj8 In from milking to find note saying “at neighbours having a wine” This usually means takeaways, drunk wife and potential #boomchuckawowowo
@lmfbs I’m on the same pee schedule as another lady from work and I think she thinks I’m stalking her in the toilet.

Movember!
@TwitOnTourNZ Planning My Movember Gala outfit… Question, How long does it take to grow eyebrows back?
@beanbiz There should be a Movember where people who have grown disgraceful moustaches in the past get sponsored not to grow a mo.

Digital Life
@j20r Just got called a “cat googler” on Facebook like it’s some kind of insult
@katemilkshakes The elderly man next to @badtom and my table after dinner: “oh, you don’t need a photo of your glass of water too?”
@Sportzfreak NZ Twitter has been at its best in the last half hour. Ask where some obscure sportsman went to school and half of you know him / his dad.
@CyrisXD I’m changing my Gamertag to “a baby panda” so when people kill me, it’ll say, “You killed a baby panda.” and everyone will hate them.
@KendallForbes Sometimes the “similar to you” twitter suggestions are a little offensive.

 

 

This month the Old Mout Cider has to go to @TwitOnTourNZ for all his fantastic work with Movember – Angus raised over $6,000! Well done, mate. Enjoy the cider – you really deserve it.

 

 

Just as an aside, I’d like to say a big THANK YOU to websam for all the amazing work he’s done on NZ Secret Santa. It’s been a huge effort on Sam’s part, and an awesome thing to be a part of.

It is that time again – the best Kiwi tweets of the month: October 2012 edition!

Bus Tweets
@toryhipster Pro tips to freak out people staring at your from their bus as you wait for yours: make eye contact. Lick your lips continually.
@RachelRayner Teen at bus stop looked at my outfit-full skirt to beehive ‘do-not with scorn but with trepidation, as if worried she’s missed a style memo.
@gossip_dork “catching a bus is like timesharing a stretch limo” – things I tell myself to avoid suicide

TV Tweets
@formerlydaniels That was so nice of Ben Stiller to do the Energywise ads
@damianchristie The shopping channel reminds me of a game where you give someone a bunch of P then get them to talk about some crap they found in a drawer.
@KerreWoodham Dear Santa let’s make it easier for you this year – NOTHING from the Shopping Channel.
@DawgBelly Lets make it a rule, whoever votes in #nzgt can’t vote in the general election.

Welcome to Auckland
@josiecampbell I’ve been looking for a house for almost a week now, and I still haven’t found one. Getting into the property market is hard!
@TophHooperton Pull up at a red light. Man in the next car leans out the window for a cheeky vom. Welcome to Henderson.
@ginblossom If you did the Auckland Marathon this morning, well done. I’ve just woken up, so we’ve all achieved something today.

Welcome to Christchurch
@beckeleven Just saw people in the park doing sit ups with a hunk of rubble as the extra ballast.

Stay classy, New Zealand
@lmfbs I dropped a bottle of ranch sauce & it broke. The smell make me throw up in my dishwasher. So, how do you clean puke out of a dishwasher?
@eliterate Small boy wants to know what the ducks are doing. Ahem. It’s spring. They are… ducking.
@CyrisXD Ironically the Weight Watchers website requires you to have cookies disabled.
@Mellyski I haven’t closed my curtains in my room in months, I change in my room. Peeping toms who are into flat chested midgets would love it.
@rosiecd Mr 2 just did a fart so big he turned round and checked floor behind him.
@vegrandis Even when you’re having an ugly fat day remember,there’s always a pervert out there, touching himself in the bushes who’ll find u attractive
@AnnaGConnell Have a thigh high split up one side of my muumuu. Basically Angelina Jolie right now.

Stay classy, Facebook
‏@paulbrislen for some reason Facebook thinks I’d be interested in lingerie. I hardly ever WEAR lingerie so I’m puzzled.
@nikkitheknitter Haaaaahahaha Watching someone on FB give unsolicited advice to 40 wks pregnant woman. Explosion of rage in 3…. 2…. 1…
@TophHooperton I just hid a Facebook ad for rubber shoes with individual toes for being sexually explicit.

Stay classy, PinkDeedle
@pinkdeedle Catholic upbringing 0. Libido 2.
@pinkdeedle Honestly. Third iPhone lost to toilet.
@pinkdeedle I’m like “ha ha 2 year old I tricked you into having medicine” she’s all “ha ha joke’s on you I threw it all up in bed”.

 

 

Sending the Old Mout Cider prize pack @beckeleven‘s way this month – living in a hap-hazard earthquake zone sucks, but cider is awesome. Sorted.

It’s that time: The best Kiwi tweets of September 2012 are right here!

Awake
@beekaynz I was woken at 5:40am by three little words to warm my heart “Doing poo, Mummy”.
@gurrlwithacurl 5.20am is brought to you by the dulcet tones of the cat fight.

Stay Classy!
@DomHarvey Dom: I see you have my book in store. Have you sold any yet? St Lukes Whitcoulls: Let me just check the computer……..no.
@JaredNeilsen Glade has ruined walking in parks! The smell of fresh cut flowers now reminds me of restrooms…
@astruc I wish breasts weren’t on your chest but on your neck, so you’d always have a pillow to lean your chin on
@_HannahTweets_ Also. I think that if your razor head breaks completely off when you attempt to shave your legs you should probs just remain celibate.
@pinkdeedle I like to think of my @TradeMe feedback as my sex feedback. “delivers goods promptly!” “fast and friendly. Highly recommended”. “A+”.
@liltoastfairy Listening to one child threaten to “actually shit on you. Using real poos” should probably get up now
@UrzilaCarlson I can get a fart out without squeezing!

Lost in Translation
@daihenwood The upside of not speaking the language of the country you are in means you get very good at charades. Although my mime for mouthwash… mmmm
@AliIkram Given the PMs accent almost committed us 2 a war last week his decision not to raise Pussy Riot with Putin is wise.

NZ tweets
@mikokiko Hey snobby lady. Ohakune called. They want their carrot back.
@LOLGASMS I want a coke bottle with my name on it. But alas, my name is not Hemi or Tavita, so I’ll have to go without
@BitchAboutDevo Lol the Takapuna Grammar kids are glaring at us cause we took the back row of the bus fuck off we have NCEA L3

This is the modern age
@nzmikewilson To find out who views your Facebook profile the most, look in the mirror.
@RachelRayner Lady at next table, upon receiving her cocktail: “Whoa, shit! That’s an intagrammer!”
@angusbhodgson HELP. HOW DOES ONE TURN OFF THEIR OWN SECURITY ALARM. I’VE RUN OUTSIDE AND STARTED TWEETING. THAT’S NOT WORKING.
@Kiwi_Chatter My latest follower is 13 and a christian. Do I block her for her sake?
@paulbrislen I write about telcos, and get ten replies. Copyright gets me 20. Tell everyone about my cat… 350+. You guys are weird.
@jacindaardern Very serious man in an air force uniform next to me on plane instantly looks less serious when his iPad comes out for a round of angry birds
@meganebs So uh, Peaches and Cream sell sex toys and Peaches and Creme sell yarn. Thanks for that moment of confusion, Google.
@TaneBufton Hey auto correct, quit tampering with my swear words, you mother forklift.

Best use of a hashtag:
@cjlambert quick other banks! *cue rolling thunder switch campaigns #blackhorsedown

 

The name I pulled out of the hat (thanks, @VinLew) this month was @paulbrislen – Paul, you get that delicious Old Mout prize pack! Be sure to follow @OldMoutCider so they can sort you out 🙂