Category: Tweets Of The Month

Compiled by Troy Rawhiti-Forbes

Hello, New Zealand! Can you believe it’s March already? I can’t, and that’s entirely February’s fault. Shame on you, Febbers, for being so short. Not only did March catch me unaware, but if you’d hath’d 31 days like some of the other months, then I could have just filled this wrapup with Oscar tweets.

I jest. February is the official month of Twitter, according to a royal proclamation that I just made up. It’s the shortest month, but the perfect length for the Twitter wit. Let’s get into it!

The fuzzies are warm
Becs: Did I tell you I had a fan girl moment the other night when Margaret Atwood replied to one of my tweets? *swoon*
beekaynz: I just slipped on wet grass in my jandals to get a photo to make @TroyRF smile so let’s agree Twitter isn’t just for bullies.
mikekilpatrick: I’m happy to say I don’t know the Twitter that’s been written about over the last week. But then I don’t follow assholes, so that helps.

Gut feelings
rmi: Ate my own bodyweight in pie. It’s fair to say, I have regrets.
kittengloves: “You’re too big, lose weight, lose weight, lose weight, lose weight. Wait. Stop, stop, stop! That’s too much! You’re crazy!” -Mass media.
petrajane: You’re right, stranger, i probably shouldn’t be eating this empty-calorie-laden iceblock. But the dairy doesn’t sell G&Ts, so here we are.
Kiwi_Chatter: I may have to start a lobby group called C.A.S.T. Cyclists Against Sugar Tax. #sugartax
Laura_Craig: Wow KFC Panmure has the best customer service! Highlight of my hangover @kfcnz

Roses are red, violets are… dead
PaulTheAmos: Today is the only day you can say “Valentines dinner with my girl tonight” and not sound like a cheap ass.
takapunani: Any of you bitches twitpic your bouquets of flowers on #ValentinesDay and I will seriously cut you #stabbyneshy
Spazophie: Roses are drunk, Violets are drunk, Can we get drunk please, I’m very alone
BridgetRailton: Flatmate has 3rd girl in 3 days over. They’re giggling and stuff on the couch. Tempted to ask her if she was the 1 from sat or sun #bitter
KimberleyMat: Husband had good poisoning, therefore Valentine’s Day consists of watching the @BLACKCAPS while @stevendillon & @JoseCoaching talk football
KimberleyMat: #rpt that’s FOOD poisoning, not good poisoning. Nothing good about it

At one with our machines
VickyRF: “Your sister said she used the apps. How do you get an apps?” #MomTweet
toryhipster: Giving up marine science to write a dissertation on Flappy Bird as an allegory for the female orgasm #APlus
liamdann: Will Whatsapp still be cool with the kids tomorrow after it’s downloaded by the old people (like me) who’d never heard of it until today?
brendongreen: Point and Click works for both cameras AND cool guy hellos.
AnnaGConnell: Already hate Siri. I asked her to play Beyoncé. She did. But there was no high five or validation of my excellent choices. Useless.
farmgeek: That thing where you are clearing space on your phone and it defaults to ticking every app for deletion? Shit.

That’s entertainment!
jamaine_ross: Thank God Odd Future isn’t coming anymore. I hate all the things that they do, that all other rappers do too
antsgardiner: I’d like to see a reality show for reality show hosts. It would basically be an 8 episode long dramatic pause.
MisterKrister: In the pair’s luge, who drives? The big spoon? #Sochi2014
Naly_D: Between the Nines and Eminem could Auckland break the world record for bourbon and coke consumption this weekend?
richirvine: Hope everyone’s been working on their ‘I don’t understand the Super Bowl’ jokes. You’ve had 12 months, today’s the day people!

Top Town
honorarykiwi: You know you live in Wellington when you judge how nice a day it was by how often you had to fight the wind for control of your skirt.
CateOwen: For a laugh I looked at properties for sale in Auckland in my price range. You know what came up? Carparks.
UrzilaCarlson: You can’t beat Wellington on a good day that’s for sure! But today anyone can beat it, a wet fart in your good white pants could beat it
PirateBurns: Never mind Auckland’s instructure today, Napier’s crumbling under the crippling weight of Billy Ocean, Ronan Keating, Sporty Spice & a Corr.

Special hugs
manikpixi: Just told Miss 18 and her bf I’m proud of them for saving water by showering together. Glad to see my eco teachings have sunk in.
Xenojay: People must hate themselves after they ask me what one of my favourite songs is, and I respond with “I Just Had Sex”
annebilek: Ever since the roosters departed, I’ve seen a lot of hen-on-hen stuff going down.
jamescardno: Spare particular thought for hotel cleaning staff tomorrow, the day after Valentine’s night.

Take me! Take me now! (Don’t be gross. These are transport tweets.)
NickGibb3: Well Professor X, my mutant ability is that I am coolly unaffected by inertia on a bus or train that is stopping. Where are my tights?
2TAPU: Guy on Train turned on his Laptop, should have kept Mute on as everyone got to hear what he’d last been watching. Awkward Train Silence.

Our nation’s watercooler
S_a_m_W_a_r_d: Got called a “C**t” multiple times this week – a great success in my line of work.
MaryFrances110: Workmates arrive. 30 second courtesy waiting period. Then, “WHO WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT MY MEERKAT ENCOUNTER???” Correct answer: everyone.
HayleyHeartbrk: “You know what, maybe I should take a decent profile shot of a newfoundland puppy” – said no stock photographer ever #illustratorproblems
Aylon133: Just had a customer yell at me for over a minute, without pause, & never actually told me what we did wrong. I still don’t know why he’s mad

 

Thanks to our friends at Z Energy, we have $40 worth of vouchers for petrol/coffee/slushies/pies/adult magazines. This month’s winner is @KimberleyMat! Please email your mailing address to [email protected] and she’ll get the good medicine out to you ASAP. No poison here!

[Thanks Troy! There’s some Z Energy vouchers in this for you, too! – Cate]

Compiled by @BeeKayNZ

Welcome to 2014: A year that has already bought us the joys of #NZFacts, Lorde’s global domination, and some random dude getting his willy electrocuted. More on that later.

And so a New Year begins, and like all New Shiny Things, we tweeted about it.
VaughnDavis: “Hey bro how was last night?” “Yep, we revelled.” “You what?” “Revelled. You know, me and some of other revellers. Did some revelling.”

We also revelled in Lorde’s Grammy wins.
Hilary_Barry: I think I just got over the America’s Cup. #Lorde
RohanAdarkar: Well getting married at the Grammys is probably better than a drive thru

And in Twitter’s superiority:
_surlymermaid: Everyone on Facebook is all commenting about the Grammys HELLO WE COVERED ALL THIS ON TWITTER 7 HOURS AGO AND IN A MUCH WITTIER FASHION
dawgbelly: Sometimes you see things on twitter you never expected to see ever, like a dog mowing the lawns or a man with two dicks for example.

We made observations about the other media
DavidSlack: Worst thing about this restaurant so far: waiter has come over 5 times and said “nzherald wants to use this as your current location ok?”
Lillith_Grace: If I wanted talkback radio, I’d listen to talkback radio
ghettoanger: SPOILER ALERT: Everyone dies and therefore Shortland Street is finished forever. Watch something else instead.
richirvine: Any MasterChef contestants wanting a harsh lesson in the importance of just getting things on the plate can come and cook my kids’ tea.

Two hashtags rocked the nation: #BuzzFeedNZ and #NZFacts
peopleofnz: Due to heavy govt. regulation, NZ news media can only report on a global story if it contains some kind of NZ connection. #NZFacts
peopleofnz: In the wild, kiwis hunt larger prey by climbing up onto high rocks, and then leaping off and spearing victims with long beaks. #NZFacts
peopleofnz: The Pavlova is NZ’s national dessert, made famous in experiments where the Pavlova Response caused people to reflexively eat cake. #NZFacts
peopleofnz: Giant wetas are also easily trained as guide-bugs for the blind, their large size & friendliness making them excellent companions. #NZFacts
peopleofnz: The All Blacks are NZ’s single biggest revenue stream, with Richie McCaw sippy cups contributing 23% of the country’s GDP. #NZFacts
vinlew: You’ll Never Guess How Long These Guys Spent In A Leaky Boat #BuzzfeedNZ
vinlew: 5 Times You Shouldn’t Take Your Scooter To The Dairy #BuzzfeedNZ
TroyRF: 12 possible names for the dog from Footrot Flats known as “Dog” #BuzzfeedNZ
nl2nz: These Driving Dogs Make You Want Own A Driving Dog #BuzzfeedNZ
irfrazer: You’ll never believe how many of these single policy parties got into a successful coalition after an election #BuzzfeedNZ

We also observed other things about kiwi life
kittengloves: Went to pull a car’s windscreen wipers out to let them know their parking is appalling. But somebody had put a note there already. #Auckland
lmfbs: That one was an #EQNZ not wind. I could tell because the wrong window rattled.

Better living, everyone
syxseed: Always begin a 40min walk with a full bladder. Nothing is smarter than this.
_surlymermaid: i just want to eat all the things. but only very specific things. very specific things that are not in the house.
josiecampbell: Think I’ve turned into Alf Stewart. Just poked my head out the door at neighbour hammering & said “It’s a bit late at night for that, mate.”
emjaybeeeeee: Just sat next to a car with topless Warrior’s players dancing. FRIDAY ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED.
VickyRF: I dropped my phone while Instagram was open and the dog stood on it and somehow liked a photo of someone I don’t follow. Now I’m a stalker.

And finally, a special keep it classy, New Zealand
gurrlwithacurl: Guy at work electrocuted self while removing clothes from washing machine. He was naked & first body part to touch machine was penis.

Thanks to our friends at Z Energy, we have $40 worth of vouchers for petrol (and coffee, and pies, and slushies, and everything else they sell!) for the best Kiwi tweeter. This month how could we not award it to Megapope for his service to @PeopleOfNZ and #NZFacts? Mr Pope, email your mailing address to [email protected] and I’ll get them out to you ASAP.

@BeeKayNZ there’s also $40 of vouchers for you, too! Thank you for curating January for us.

Happy (almost) new year! I can’t believe I’ve been doing this “best of” tweets thing for four years. I think the tweets are as sharp, amusing, and poignant as ever though, so lets get into them!

Christmas with the whanau
@RuminatorNZ Today my mother gave my 30 something sister a bubble making machine for Christmas and I’m all like “what?” but Holy shit I want one.
@RachelRayner Niece’s first Christmas! Is she getting lots of gifts? “She really likes empty plastic bottles at the moment, so we got her a 2 litre one.”
@Simonpnz Coley just got a package from @roseandthorne. Merry Christmas, me.

Comments, brought you to by stuff.co.nz
@chrisphilpottnz “I think you need to get out more, dude.” Awesome! Some of the commenters from Stuff *did* follow me to NZH after all!
@toryhipster Oh my god I’ve realised something amazing. My Uncle John is actually your average stuff commenter. This all makes so much sense.

Christmas food
@beekaynz Hahahaha. Someone ordered the groceries after a smidgin too much wine. Three salamis, two packs of chorizo, TWELVE packets of crackers.
@Vegrandis I got given like 6 packs of Ferrero Rochers for xmas and I just want to go home and empty them onto my bed and roll around in them.
@DawgBelly Pip has come trotting in carrying the remains of an Ernest Adams Christmas pud in its red plastic bowl. We didn’t hv a Christmas pudding…
@j20r Why would you sell fudge in a resealable bag
@HayleyHeartbrk Braving the New World Metro. Pray 4 me.
@sitharus Is there something about christmas that makes people forget how to supermarket?
@plambrechtsen Making jelly at home and getting eldest to read the instructions. Asked her “what does the box say” and you can imagine what happened next?
@hamfritta Go to McDonald’s & get asked if I’d like the usual.

You’re getting old
@3rd_Gen_ Signs I’m ageing / saw buff young man in hot pants / 1st thought ” ooh he must be cold”

Oh dear lord
@katjnz Checkout operator at New World just called me ‘sir’. Self esteem ruined forever.
@joshlindsay No nice way to say this. House started shaking then toilet just sucked all my business away while I was going. What the fuck?!?

Technology Tweets
@neilmullanefinn even though I just had a terrific meal I will never tweet about food
@_AnnyMa Hurry up Beyoncé instagram your Christmas
@3rd_Gen_ Asking Siri secret to great sex. So far I’ve got the secret to great seats, great Sikhs, & great six.
@vaughndavis What I would love for NZ Twitter in 2014: less anti, more Aunties.
@jinnee79 Changed my profile picture, keep seeing my tweets & wondering who I am
@juhasaarinen I am banning subtweets from certain people.
@ehjc My phone just autocorrected vulvas to vulcans. Yes. Ok.

Perspective, just quietly
@AliIkram some NZers spent $238 million on Xmas Eve some queued for 7 hours for food parcels.

This is love
@seemsforever today it’s the birthday of my most precious @not_friends and i’m so lucky to get to wake up with her i love her i love her
@NZ_JB Have a baby bottle and a cup of strong coffee next to the bed. It’s great having our wee guy home.
@NatashaUtting At age 96 my Nan complimented me on my blouse & asked me to leave it to her in my will. Fav person ever. Would’ve been her birthday today.
@missannajane The bus driver in Raumati is adorable and greets her regulars by name

Heath…?
@kittengloves When choosing a seat in the doctors’ waiting room is like a game of Would You Rather…
@VickyRF Sometimes I read the side effects on medication labels and think they should end by saying “may the odds be ever in your favor.”

Stay Classy, New Zealand
@ScrambledBeks I wonder if my neighbour realises I can see him every time he goes & pees outside?
@badtom Just bought myself a present so that I’d have something to unwrap in the morning. Caught myself taking off the price before wrapping it.
@not_friends One week till my birthday! Let’s pick up the hype, people.
@birds_knees I think the highlight of today’s shopping though, had to be the 2m long smear of (presumably) toddler poo on the floor at The Warehouse :/
@beanbiz The World Darts Championship would be slightly better if the winning player threw their darts straight into the crowd.
@ebryantnz The mullet count is now up to four. Mind you I am at McDonald’s.
@philwalter Visualized my 5k excercise. Does that count?
@ellen_pickett Love getting phone calls from friends in NZ who are too drunk to care it’s costing them 100 bucks a minute.
@Nicolaaarrr “gonna go out” “gonna be fierce” “woo newly single” “woo putting makeup on” “woo yeah newly singl- oh i just cried all the makeup back off”
@tobiasbrockie wish i had really long hair and my best friend did too, so we could braid it together and idk just throw stones at people out a window
@hollyrwalker Oh my god I went to Queensgate mall with a baby and no clear plan. Why? WHY!? *tears off own face*
@thelittlepakeha I am apparently hilariously passive aggressive on drugs though, I signed the last email “happy holidays if you can afford them”

Stay Classy – the clothing-based bonus round
@Kiwi_Chatter I invented a word “Jundies.” When a girl’s jean shorts are so small, they’re basically undies.
@HatePash1 Keep putting coins in my bra and then forgetting about them. Every time I take it off it’s like a Mario bonus level.
@irfrazer There is a guy on the plane wearing orange toe shoes. I don’t know what to do about this at all. So many emotions, like rage and disgust.

 

It’s at this point I’d normally announce who had won Tweets of the Month and give them a prize. Sadly, our wonderful long-term sponsor is unable to continue due to new alcohol legislation, so I’m on the hunt for a new sponsor. If your business is keen, please send me an expression of interest.

Thank you all so much for your amazing support this year: The nominees, the nominators, the guest editors, and the readers! I couldn’t do this without all of you.

 

Here’s to 2014!

November was the month we decided to be all stereotypical and tweet about our kids and our food. Oh, and naturally, there’s a chocka ‘Stay Classy’ section.

We got hyped for #NZSecretSanta
@idarima Tip: Your #nzsecretsanta person isn’t tweeting, has a locked account, etc? Nickleback has released their greatest hits CD. Send them that
@stasiturnbull My poor #nzsecretsanta – you may think all I like is snarking. But it is not true! I also like kitsch, vintage and old china. And snarking.
@robtreacher I think the coinciding of #secretsantanz with the inorganic collection is genius. You can find and courier half a rusty trampoline for $10.
@ginblossom Jesus help me. My #nzsecretsanta person has tweeted less than 20 times. What does one buy someone with an actual life outside Twitter?
@TrueLangstone I forgot about secret Santa. I FORGOT ABOUT STRANGER PRESENTS. *sob

You’ve made it, baby!
@HayleyHeartbrk If someone said “kill urself” to me in relation to my art does that mean I’ve “made it” in 2013 speak?

Logic
@NZ_JB Amazon offers “free delivery” with all Kindle eBooks. What the hell?!
@wordgirlwriting You know you’re tired when you text a friend asking them what their mobile number is. *Face palm*
@sonyacole Wednesday should be a day off, two days of work in a row is enough

Stay classy
@Tenani Swooped my hair to the other side today and it feels all different and now I don’t know what to believe. What is life?
@Tenani On the bus, went to put my hand on my knee but accidentally put it on the stranger next to me’s knee. He moved. Mortified.
@THE_VONK I’m at a Bieber concert
@samanthamcqueen Where can one get a pair (or three) of festive Christmas earrings? Asking for a friend. Ok, asking for me.
@irfrazer A man just walked past me in a full suit wearing socks and sandals. I need a mental health day to get over this.
@pinkdeedle Shiiiit I hope spray paint comes out of diamonds
@LowScoreAttack Just saw a older gentleman wearing a full pastel outfit. Play on playa
@SaigonSyl why doesn’t Te Papa have a hall of mirrors, plz start a pledgeme
@robtreacher Is there a connection between craft beer and smelly farts? Asking for a friend.

It’s not Twitter if you don’t talk about food
@RachelRayner Beau just dipped a piece of Brie in guacamole. <3 <3 <3
@WayneLikesFood The studio director does not approve of my decision to eat half a litre of ice cream at 5:55am.
@DrJared I had BBQ for lunch AND dinner today. I’m pretty sure my body mass is 10% meat, 10% cancer, and 80% Jared.
@seemsforever instant mashed potato & a chocolate moosie for dinner bc i’m getting better at self-care all the time
@TroyRF Plan: Make a salad. Actual: Munched a capsicum, apple-style.
@_surlymermaid Eating pork chops and watching the original season of Survivor with Richard Hatch et al. I know you wish you were me. It’s ok.

Spawn
@annettle I know this happened years ago, but every now and then I am still gobsmacked by the thought that my body GREW A WHOLE OTHER BODY INSIDE IT.
@catatonichic When asked, today, how he came to be so articulate, Mr3 replied “Disney Junior.” I facepalm
@hollyrwalker Esther’s birth certificate arrived. We made a real person!
@NZ_judester Miss 2 brings me a box. ‘Mummy, can I have a treat?’ It’s a box of tampons. ‘Er, no sweetheart’.
@MoataTamaira The foetus formally known as “Squishy” is now a baby boy. Very small and in an incubator but definitely a real live human. #happy

 

And the winner is…

With two entries it the “Stay Classy” section, and a bunch more nominations I could have used, the winner of the @OldMoutCider prize pack is @Tenani! Follow Old Mout on Twitter to get your hands on the delicious treats!

Hello!

Yes, we skipped a month. But now we have October’s tweets to enjoy! Here you go…

We played Auckland Monopoly (again)
‏@_GlennCollier community chest card: ‘ you have won second prize in a beauty contest collect $10, but your parking spot cost $30’
@takapunani Farro Fresh has run out of kale, quinoa and acai. Lose $150.
@pcuser42 You’re on a bus on the Harbour Bridge. Go back three spaces.
@watershitdown It is your birthday Collect $10 & your underwear from each player
@cjlambert Mt Eden prison riot. Get out of jail free.
@nickeee_tweets The rent is $400 but because you are competing with 50+ people to live there you have to offer to pay $550

Getting from A to B
@Vegrandis Omg I can’t see out of my bus windows!! I guess I’ll get out at the stop that “feels” like my area.
@WayneLikesFood I’m going to walk home from work. It’ll be good exercise. If I get mugged I’ll have something to talk about when people ask about my weekend
@HayleyHeartbrk Woops, too busy seething with resentment forgot to get off the bus

Technology though
@guywilliamsguy The happiest people I’ve seen are Fijian towl administrators and I’m like why are YOU so happy!? You don’t even have an iPhone!? God.
@wimon_song Just received the photos I emailed myself more than a month ago. Thanks internet.
@Megapope You’ve all given me so many great new insults for using at people I don’t like on Reddit. Which is pretty much most of them.
@takapunani “twitter is better with friends”. go home twitter you’re drunk
@rednz Just watched a girl’s makeup application tutorial on YouTube and it feels like that time you found out magic/santa wasn’t real.

Auckland
@rosiecd The Len Brown story was way more interesting when I thought Bevan Chuang was an Asian man.
@yohohos I wonder if Lorde can afford to buy a house in Auckland yet.

DOGS!
@thelittlepakeha Just let dogs in. OMG SO EXCITING OMG OMG HAS THE HOUSE CHANGED WHILE THEY WERE OUTSIDE LET’S FIND OUT OMG OMG IT HASN’T WOAH!
@VickyRF When @TroyRF has angry outbursts at video games, dogs quickly look to me as if to ask ‘is he mad or fake-mad?’ I nod, they return to sleep.

Stay Classy
@smownin Has anyone checked if there’s a correlation between mass murderers and where they shopped before they murdered? Is it pak n save?
@jtclassic Just had a very drunk 67-year old man on his birthday call me to play a request for his mistress! #Tuesday
@NZ_JB Ante-natal class #4: what to do with the pooping machine when it comes out.
@Kiwi_Chatter Had a shower, sent my bum to some people on snapchat, defrosted chicken for dinner. Busy, busy, busy.
@sophiealiceryan Two handfuls of mini marshmallows is not a breakfast of champions, adult life is hard.

And the winner is…

@takapunani because, heck, she’s made it twice in one month. Boom. Please follow @OldMoutCider to collect your delicious prize!