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Best Tweets: October 2011

New Zealand had an epic month – for some good, and some not-so-good reasons. Here are your AWESOME October tweets!

Oh, internet!
kev_nz I love how the internet makes everybody an expert on everything.
Tarquin_Death Blog comment: “I’ve read better articles in youtube comments.” Pretty sure this means I’ve made it!
Nightwyrm Seeing as New Zealand is a sheep nation, we should really refer to our Twitter posts as “bleats”.
TophHooperton Ohgod. Drunk replied to people at 2am on the work social media accounts. It doesn’t look too bad, though I did call someone ‘honey’.

Some people are rad
lindseyoutloud I love random deliciousness from strangers. Called a wrong number today and said sorry. ‘Don’t be sorry,’ said whoever it was. ‘Be happy.’

We may have a tiny issue with alcohol
TrendsAuckland ‘hangover’ is now trending in Auckland
LachlanForsyth This morning in the Newsroom I’ve found a crutch, a sleeping bag, 5 metres of bubblewrap & a metal detector. Things must have got craaa-zy…

The Rena
RachelRayner Who’s in charge of cleaning up the birds after Rena? DO THEY NEED TINY PENGUIN VESTS? I AM READY TO STEP UP.
chowda_head Now I know where that garbage scow from Kevin Costners’ Waterworld ended up. Repainted and renamed Rena

That RWC thing is done and dusted…
AliIkram Let’s face it 10k is getting off lightly for advancing on a Haka considering what punishment would have been pre 1840
MattTaylor Passed a house with five All Blacks flags on the fence. Not impressed, needs more.
madeleinesami It’s like The Lion King… but with a gold cup instead of Simba
MurrayWills I think one of the French Coaches might be wearing a fake mustache
annagconnell OMG Graham Henry’s face went from this >:-( to this I:-I
DanielRutledge K Road is already getting busy ahead of the RWC2011 final. There were only two piles of vomit and one blood splatter near Supper Club too!
OliGarside Quote from my sister: There’s too many Cocks in this game. Woodcock, Pocock, Quade Cooper…
allstarangel Slade off with a FUCKING sore GROIN?!?! What are these boys doing at night?!?!
oneorangemonkey ‘Oh my balls hurt, I can’t play games anymore’. Well at least he has a backup career as a heat pump.
meghanmutrie Ordered a takeaway All Black by accident instead of a long black. That’s twice now.
KaseBeats at least Mike Tindall had a good holiday.

(and a serious one!)
VickyRF Husband watching live, Dad watching in China, Grandad & Uncle watching in England, & Grandpa watching in USA. International family is united

… And now the election looms
mitchyyyyy I’ve decided to start a young wing of NZ First. Open to anyone between 15 and 65. Let me know if you’re keen.
CherylBernstein I feel least inclined to vote in this election of any, ever. Pity that No Confidence isn’t an option, like in student politics.
VegasNZ Winston Peters is back in Tauranga. That’s two old wrecks the town has to worry about
AndreAlessi “Building a Better Future”: Did the National Party really not see the problem with adopting the motto of every evil movie corporation ever?

On being healthy with food
Holliejsmith Eating pineapple lumps for lunch is considered 1 of my ‘5 a day’s’ right?
HungryandFrozen I’ve got a bowl of leftover cream cheese icing. Dairy knowledge-keepers, can I freeze it? Already explored the “try eating it all” option

I are awesome!
paudecanela_nz Went to PB Tech to get new monitor and asked the guy for “one of those USB thingies”. Good thing he doesn’t know I’m an IT journo
melhomer Went for a run. Wondered why everyone was looking at me strangely. Now realise I still have the fake blood on my neck from last nights party.
Nightwyrm Can’t wait for my bonus to come through in a month. I think I only have one pair of undies that doesn’t have holes.
rgoodchild arrrgh. just ended a really important business call with “thanks babe”
benjamintelfer I found my phone! Which I previously thought lost during the weekends celebrations. But no, was in the back of my wardrobe. WTF drunk Ben?!
nzmovieguy I wouldn’t have thought I was gay enough to spend 45 minutes picking the right neck tie for dinner, yet here I find myself.
lmfbs That awkward moment in the library when lube falls out of your bag
PaMelville Do not stab yourself accidently in the face with sharp scisssors. It bleeds A LOT

Confusion
WayneHatesFruit Home and Away reminds me of Jurassic Park, but without the dinosaurs.
JaredNeilsen To the woman reading erotic fiction on the bus at 7.30 this morning…. Why?
bentorkington Followed by the @tokyo_gayfinder. Couple of small issues with that.
beautygoss I hope foreigners aren’t watching Police Ten 7 and Motorway Patrol or they will think we are a country of absolute muppets
chrisphilpottnz Is it bad if you find yourself attracted to a zombie? … I’m asking for a friend

Life, eh?
spudmasher Someday you’ll be a beautiful swan. Just not today. Or any time soon.
tamati_coffey went to see The Help today with my boy. Heart wrenching and deep and sad and all that, but gotta say, makes me want a maid.
Dane_McLean Would be keen to watch “this is your life” if it was a judgemental version that surprised failures live on TV and asked ‘THIS is your life?‘
DanielRutledge I think I’m going to edit some of my favourite dolphin footage to some of my favourite trance tracks and then watch it heaps
rohanadarkar you know something is wrong with society when daily deal sites start offering discount vouchers to strip clubs.
tanya Just got asked for ID to buy a bowl of fries.
jessbovey I refuse to go bungee jumping, I came into this world because of a broken rubber. I will NOT leave the same way!
juliewarm You can pretty much guarantee that when someone says “I am not meaning to be rude” that they are in fact meaning to be rude.
jgourley Watching a spider being milked on TV. I need a life.
TophHooperton I’M NOT EVEN JOKING A CAT WITH A PINK NECKERCHIEF HAS JUST COME INTO OUR HOUSE.
jamespjbutler First prize in my kids’ school raffle is a 1996 Toyota Levin (with mags!). Don’t know whether to laugh or cry.
NatalieBenning Just seen 5 women power walking along ponsonby rd with, 2 walking poles each. You’re going to get chai lattes ladies, not climb Everest.
manikpixi Decided in Warehouse Stationery office stamps would be better with “motherfucker”: FAXED MOTHERFUCKER; YOUR A/C IS OVERDUE MOTHERFUCKER.
sbuxRYRY I can’t help but notice that a lot of the warriors fans are missing teeth…

I may regret putting these on my website… but VAGISIL
_AnnyMa Vagisil… because you’re funky. And not in a good way.
LadyInDread I know I always associate vaginal odour (whatever that means) with spagetti bolognese and a glass of wine.
WendyWings you haven’t lived until your child has asked you “who is going to be smelling it anyway”

Parents gone feral
pinkdeedle Mum: your tits look like a national geographic cover. Put a bra on for fucks sake.
NZGeekGirl Days like today you can understand what makes some species eat their young.

Kids: Some people really like them!
not_friends I love how infectious the pure joy of children is. Spent two hours with my little ladies today, been full of undentable happiness ever since
paulbrislen Every morning as they go to school I tell my kids “Come home with a full brain” and they shout back “And an empty lunchbox”. Bliss
BexieLady miss 2 brought me breakfast in bed – a bottle of wine. She loves me.

So those are your tweets of the month! I’m going to start working on the NZ Social Media honours list soon, so keep an eye out when I ask for your votes!

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Facebook insights for web

Facebook page owners are starting to learn the real value of Facebook page insights – and it’s become even more important to know and understand your users now that Facebook’s new metrics are public.

But there’s a little-known analytics package in Facebook called Insights For Your Website, which can tell you a lot about who is hitting your site, what they’re sharing to Facebook, and how they’re sharing it.

From the insights you can deduce who your major advocates are, the demographics of users who are reaching your site, if your like buttons are working, and what Facebook social plugins are having the best impact.

So how do you access these insights?

First, you need a website and a Facebook account. Then you’ll need to prove to Facebook you have the rights to see the insights. Visit facebook.com/insights. In the top right hand corner there’s a button – hit it!

A popup will appear – and you’ll see a domain to put your website details in, and a dropdown menu. Select the brand page you want to hook the domain up to. Anyone who is admin on that brand page will be able to access the web analytics for the website. If it’s for personal use – for your blog or similar – then just select your own name.

There’s a line of code sitting in there. This is called a meta tag and it needs to go into the header of the main page of your website. Each website is different, so I can’t tell you exactly how to do this part. If you’re not sure how: Google is good.

Once you’ve inserted the line, come back to this screen and click “Get Insights” – it’s that simple!

Now you’re in, and given Facebook a couple of minutes to get all the data loaded, it’s time to pick the meaty bits. For me, it’s looking at demographic information, and the conversion between like button impressions and like button shares.

Breaking your users down into age and gender is useful if you’re dealing with demo targeting – something helpful if you’re advertising, but perhaps not so much for the layperson. It’s still interesting stuff, though.

I also like to compare impression demos against those on the Facebook page they relate to. Is there an area of my web audience who aren’t liking my posts? Is there a section who aren’t clicking the like buttons? Who are doing organic shares – and do those rates tell me that my like buttons are under-utilised, and may be in the wrong place on the page?

Another useful insight is the Popular Pages section – you can see how many times the like button has been clicked or URL organically shared to Facebook on certain pages and start to see patterns in what gets your audience sharing.

So give it a go – hook your website into Facebook insights. I’d love to hear about your results!

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Sharing trends

Mashable recently posted a block infographic released by Clearspring based on AddThis data, but I found it hard to read as it was so big and oddly spaced. I’ve recut the graphic slightly, but the data is all there. No infringement inteded!

Here’s some sharing trends from the last five years of data collected by AddThis:

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When good stats go bad

I was faced with an interesting situation this afternoon: I had found a blog post where some work I had overseen was critiqued with a point of view that didn’t align with the goals we had, and made the project look bad. The project was, in reality, a big success.

It’s an easy mistake to make. Heck, I’ve made it. We judge work based on the standards we have for it. We think we know the desired outcomes, and we make assumptions based on that.

But it is a dangerous path, making a case study from external stats, especially when you don’t know what the point of the endeavour was.

The figures are, I imagine, faultless. There’s no arguing the number of times words have appeared in a feed, or the number of status updates on a single platform. But that yardstick didn’t match the one we were using.

When reading a case study, one of the most important questions you can ask of it is: Was it written by or with the help of someone who was a part of the project? Can the writer tell me the point of the project? Do they know the measurements to decide “success” in this instance?

A one-size-fits-all approach is tempting, but not always the right move when it comes to social strategy. Getting ‘heaps of mentions’ on Twitter, or ‘1,000 views on YouTube’ is not always the goal of the exercise. Something that looks great on the outside may not be achieving any of the objectives, or tell the whole of the story.

A Facebook page with 100,000 fans may look good on paper – but how many of those fans click the links, interact with the brand, or buy the product? How much did you spend in ads to get those fans? A Twitter account with 50,000 followers seems legendary – but are those followers in an active relationship with the account holder? Are they even real accounts? Is it the old follow-followback trick?

One of the issues with social media in New Zealand is that there are so few case studies released, fewer still with in-depth strategic commentary, that any data is picked apart until it loses meaning. But a fundamental mistake in reading too much into data is thinking the intention of the project manager was to achieve “A”, and then failing them for not doing so, ignoring that they may well have been aiming for “B” all along.

I learned a valuable lesson about my own assumptions today.

The next time you’re reading an analysis of a project, read it critically, asking yourself if the author really has the authority to offer the context required. If you don’t, you could miss out on some real insights.

Seems basic, right?

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Best Tweets: September 2011

It’s that time again – time for the best Kiwi tweets of the month!

Party time in NZ! Drinking! Woop!
bobsyauncle I’m not as think as you drunk I am
pinkdeedle Success!!!! Woke up in my own bed.
cadetdory It tastes like there’s a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up.
BRONNINATOR My god, all the french men with cocks on their shirts. Delicious.

RWC2011(Trademark IRB, no infringement intended. This blog is in no way affliated with the RWC, IRB, sponsors or partners)
Kiwi_Chatter Do we warn all the #RWC2011 tourists about Hamilton?
Andrew_Mulligan Oh look! Sonny Bill is on the front page of the Herald. I haven’t seen that since yesterday’s edition.
BabeAtSea It’s painful to watch the whipping we’re giving Japan. Maybe half the AB’s could go off, to make it more of a challenge?
ManStanMatt BREAKING: McCully has appointed himself as All Blacks trainer to prevent a repeat of this week’s series of injuries.
melhomer Just passed a huge tree near Eden Park with lots of flags in it. And a road cone. And a deck chair.
JonoHale Looks like every lamppost in Levin had a RWC flag! There must be at least 4 of them!!! #onlyjokingthereisabout50
VegasNZ I dont have Rugby World Cup fever yet but I imagine i have to get it from an official supplier.
annagconnell Just filtered ‘rugby’, ‘rwc’, #rwc, ‘rugby world cup’, ‘all blacks’ out of my feed. It went blank.

Kiwi Tweets: The X Factor edition
TophHooperton Whenever it cuts to a black and white freeze frame on X Factor I always say in a sombre voice ‘and then they aaaallll died’.
evilkud Hairy cleavage was the real winner of that audition
Twonetweet Is it normal to sob your way thru x factor? Just checking
MelenieNZ What is going on with these contestants? It’s like they were all recruited from a psychiatrist’s waiting room.
The_Vonk Oh jeezus they’re letting it through

Kiwi Tweets: The Coro edition
jv_nz Uh ohhh… Channel 1 is moving Coronation St to make way for Masterchef Australia. There’s gonna be a mutiny! A really slow, dusty mutiny.

Kiwi Tweets: The Vagisil edition
SpeelyFreaking The first rule of Vagisil club is: you don’t talk about Vagisil club. Probably obvious, but I thought I’d share it anyway.
Vegrandis Vagisil ad “when you feel fresh, you feel confident.” ohh so that’s why i’m too scared to ask boys out, cos my cunt isn’t fresh

Technology makes life better..?
BexieLady When will twitter stop suggesting I follow douchebags? Twitter, you have terrible taste in men sometimes.
Kiwiseabreeze Saw a “No more Tangles” ad on FB. totally thought it said “No more Triangles…” #downwithtriangles
HungryandFrozen “what band is this?” “it’s xyz, you like?” “no I just wanted to get the name right so I can complain about it on twitter”…
AdrianwithaW “Student Loan. Stuudent Looan. Student Loan. S.t.u.d.e.n.t.L.o.a.n. Stuudeenntt Llooaannn” – Colleague talking to automated IRD call service
allstarangel Downside of a 10 year old having a phone. They text you at 6am to tell you they are awake. Had to censor what I sent back.

Noms-related tweets
KimChisnall At Fonterra briefing for new CEO. Again no chocolate milk on offer! What gives!
kittengloves Success is: getting to the end of the party and still having an unopened bag of Twisties.
PaMelville @amiewee like cake through the hourglass, these are the cheesecakes of our lives

Bodies!
shazndolly went to the @trelisecooper sale today…the one thing that I REALLY REALLY REALLY wanted was in a size 8. Great. No dinner for me. This year
VinLew I think I’m going through menopause…
robtreacher Jeebus, just caught a glimpse of my body in the mirror. That satellite isn’t the only thing being adversely affected by gravity
CNell_NZ Best part of Titanic? “Kate Winslet’s taking her robe off! OMG I’m about to see her boobs! Hooray boo– [camera change] GOD DAMMIT.”
beekay77 Poor misunderstood Steve Crow. He’s just concerned about my right to walk down the streets with my boobs out.

Oops!
NessOldfield Just emailed someone to tell them that the cat needs to be desired….it was meant to be desexed. When spell checking goes wrong.
chadirl @TyeTyeee whats a nun? is it a breed of dog?
RachelRayner Getting trapped in ones cami is significantly less embarrassing when it happens in the privacy of ones own bedroom.
normanstrange Don’t fucking come into my store and say the other guy knows more than me. I know more about your shit phone than you do.
benjamintelfer Soo, I just walked in on my flatmate getting a BJ in the bathroom.
feefeebofaye Omg dying here! M11 was telling me about cleaning up his school and how the teachers told them if they find any congdongs not to touch them

Smart-arses
guywilliamsguy Normally I wouldn’t steal a car or a handbag but now, based on my success with movies, I’m kind of thinking I should give it a crack.
RyanSproull I sometimes feel I’m waiting for the opportunity to say, “I’ll pay you a retainer,” and bounce an orthodontic device off someone’s chest.
MoataTamaira Just realised why the Arrow, generic pharmaceuticals ads are so hideously painful… They sell painkillers.
00k Here’s a quick test: what are the opposites of these six words? Always. Coming. From. Take. Me. Down.

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The 4 stages of a business Facebook page

Although no two Facebook pages are the same, there are some similarities that appear across multiple pages.

There are four main stages your page goes though, and once you identify the stage your page is in, you can use some standard tips and tricks to get it to the next level.

Sometimes pages will naturally progress from stage to stage, sometimes they’ll go backwards, and sometimes they won’t fit any stage at all! Don’t worry– just keep your eyes on where you want your page to be, and work towards that.

Stage 1: Getting your page off the ground.

When Facebook pages are new, the community is still finding the boundaries and tone of the page. It is at this stage you can easily convert brand advocates though quick wins, answering questions and being the good guy.

By turning your early fans into brand advocates, they will help you monitor and set the tone for your page when it enters stage 2. These fans are likely to be your friends, family and workmates, so be explicit about asking them to be active on your page. Honest – but active.

Tips for a page in stage 1

  • Think like the person you want to attract. What would they like to see on your page?
  • Post regular, interesting and infomative content – posting no more than four times a week and no less than once a week.
  • Keep your tone friendly. Facebook recommend you “push” in only 20% of status updates. The other 80% should be relationship-building.
  • Set your spam filter, and any keywords. Pick wisely as to not stifle the natural conversation, but to not allow any content that may disturb your audience.
  • Fully complete the “info” section of the Facebook page.
  • Set flexible strategies around dealing with negative feedback now. Where are your brand’s boundaries around negative posts? Should you allow them on your Facebook page? (I say yes, by the way, that’s a natural part of being in a public forum. Don’t delete it unless the language is filthy or threatening.)
  • Create a landing page that explicitly asks people to like your page.
  • Upload lots of photos and any videos you have to make the page interesting and useful.
  • Read Facebook’s brand page terms and conditions.
  • Get a username (facebook.com/username) once you have 25 fans. Make it short and to the point. This URL will help you in stage 2.

Stage 2: Building momentum with existing fans

Reach out to your existing fans by promoting your Facebook page to them using the custom URL. This may involve putting a social plug-in on your website, a mention in your e-letter, or a notice on your front counter or shop window. They already like what you have to offer, why not make it easy for them to find you on Facebook?

Tips for a page in stage 2

  • Keep an eye on your page’s insights to see who your fans are: Their locations, demographics, what they most respond to on your page, what they’re clicking on. If they don’t match your wider marketing plan, something’s a little off.
  • Be seen to be responding to feedback, good and bad alike. Seek feedback from your fans and act upon it. If they say they’d like to see x happen, and it’s reasonable, make x happen. If it’s not, be honest about that.
  • Keep an eye on what’s going into your spam filter and restore anything that’s been mistakenly tagged as spam.
  • Find pages similar to yours and see what works on their page. Try similar things on yours to see if they work with your audience.
  • Plug your website into Facebook insights to see the demographic that’s impressing against your social plug-ins. Who are you not converting to a Facebook fan?
  • Keep an eye on which posts get the most impressions – what time of day were they posted?

Stage 3: Time for a push

This is the stage where your page is doing ok, but could do with a boost. Consider some advertising. Facebook ads can cost as little as 60cents CPM. You may want to add your custom URL to any external advertising you have running as well.

This means you’ll be getting a lot of random likers – which can often mean trolling. Don’t be afraid to ban troublemakers – but be sure that’s what they are first! Often we can mistake grumpy customers as trolls and not treat them the way they deserve.

If you’ve done stages 1 and 2 well, your loyal fans will help weed out trolling, and be able to answer basic questions for users – Dell found this a useful tactic when coming out of their Dell Hell phase.

Tips for a page in stage 3

  • Lots of new people will be hitting your landing page – adjust it slightly so anyone can understand why they should like your page. “Like our page to hear about special offers” etc.
  • Create custom tabs – for example a FAQ section or latest news section might be a good start.
  • Logged in as your brand, like and write on the walls of any brands that compliment or partner with yours. Check with their page admins first if you can, and don’t be cheeky about it or they may ban your page.
  • Empower, support, and reward users who want to be brand advocates, and acknowledge them for their help.
  • Make sure your community mangers are equipped to deal with negative feedback – both professionally and personally.
  • Don’t run promotions where users leave a comment or upload a photo to enter. That’s against Facebook’s terms and conditions and you may come out with egg on your face.

Stage 4: Organic growth

At this stage your page should be pretty healthy and you should have strategies in place for processing trolling, negative feedback, suggestions, and answering questions you don’t always have answers for. There’s an interesting phenomenon that I noticed – and have had confirmed to me by other major account managers across multiple brand types and sizes – that you no longer need to run ads during this stage, and the page will grow exponentially.

Don’t be alarmed when the growth starts to level out. The size of your page when this happens depends on your reach, and the profile of your business. Your organic growth may slow to 1 – 2 % per week.

Tips for a page in stage 4

  • Don’t rest on your laurels. Set big engagement and impression goals. Continue to evolve your page, being lead by your fans and wider business objectives.
  • Keep an eye on hide rates and unlikes and moderate your postings
  • Crowd source. There’s likely to be some users with amazing ideas for your business, or some feedback trends going on.
  • Consider another ad spend.

 

This is by no means a fully comprehensive list of things to check off with a Facebook page, and may not be applicable to all brands. In fact, this is quite general, and somewhat oversimplified compared to reality and the curveballs that get thrown at you.

The main thing you need to keep in mind is to think like a page user. What do they want? Deliver that and you can’t go wrong.

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Best Tweets: August 2011

Animals and things

thisfog: How adorable is that little “Phew” sound cats make when you get your clothes back on after bathing?
AliIkram: Someone needs to feed the Cougars at the Viaduct before the RWC they might scare off the tourists

Children and things

kittengloves Back to school lunches. Against my advice 7yo has made himself a gherkin and jam roll.
DomHarvey Mum to kid on street in Vegas: “FUCK UP!” Black woman within earshot of the encounter: “daaaaamn” I love America
rosiecd It is horrible to look at your child and KNOW you will have to bail them out of jail one day
lilyandalma Went out with a mcdonalds toy pinned to my head. Forgot it was there until I looked in a shop window. #mummyfail

Snow tweets!

Tarquin_Death New theory about the ongoing extreme cold snaps: Happy Feet is a penguin wizard making NZ more like his icy home
jackelder Snowing hard in Miramar at the moment. A number of world-class VFX artists are running around the carpark going “woooooo” and waving arms.
leahisaninja Dear New Zealand, Hello. Love, Antarctica. PS, whoosh.
stephenfry NZ has, bless it, gone officially mad. First snow in Auckland since the 30s. Children running along with open mouths to taste the flakes 🙂
JenLongshaw Twin lambs born just a couple of hours ago in paddock next door. Poor little sods- they have no idea what they’re in for. #Storms #Stews

Politics

farmgeek Forget young beneficiaries, what about all the retirees wasting their dosh on small dogs, finance companies and NZ First donations?

The Big Pink Fist of Abstinence

LachlanForsyth This abstinence stuff is going to ruin the fine reputation that generations of kiwi backpackers have worked so hard to create.
watershitdown i wonder if the pink fist will end up on trademe on $1 reserve

Overheard

tanya OH: “Yeah Pak ‘n’ Save Mt Wellington, you don’t wanna pick up chicks there…”

From the ‘are you serious?’ files

bookemdanno Seriously – limited edition rugby world cup nappies? Jesus H rollerblading Christ.
annagconnell 9 times out of 10, ‘Wakey Wakey hands off snakey’ is the first thing that pops into my head in the morning. Thank you Grandad.
jinnee79 Glad I managed to miss Dad and his friends at erotica. Coulda been awkward, they came Friday night.

From the ‘everything went better than expected’ files

brenasmith LOLs at our teenage neighbours planning the big noisy party last night. About 9pm they were looking munted and never heard a peep.
juhasaarinen Always feel surprised that I cheated death and injury after each Auckland commute.
SpeelyFreaking @cadetdory but you tweet really well for a retarded person. Good going 🙂
RobSuisted “Come around & we’ll take it out on a 12 year old” set me back a moment until I realised it was about scotch

First world tweets

vaughndavis My colleague in Switzerland has just confirmed she can make our meeting in Rome. I’m James fucking Bond, me.
sachalnf: Whoa. My brother just called me (on my cellphone) from upstairs to tell me to turn the tv off downstairs. LAZY.
mitchyyyyy There’s no honey for my toast. Brb crying.
richirvine I CHALLENGE ANY FECKER TO HAVE MORE CAT HAIR ON THEIR CLOTHING THAN I! I DO NOT THINK IT WOULD BE POSSIBLE!
robkidd that awkward moment when you realise someone actually read one of your tweets.

Herp Derp

kiwieric Ah crap. My brain just Rick Rolled itself.
NanaJ9 It has become very obvious that my personality doesn’t actually start to formulate until that first cup of coffee in the morning.

NZGeekGirl‘s Very Bad Day

Oh no, just been called, we’be been burgled. Holiday may be over.
Aiming to drive back tonight, police to fingerprint. I wish this was a joke. Think my wedding rings are probably gone.
Hey everyone, yes thankfully we have insurance. My wedding rings and meds are also safe. On our way home now.
Dear car in front, When the cop overtakes you then it’s a safe bet you’re going too slow.
Hmmm. We’re suddenly not spending a whole lot on accommodation. Perhaps a post burglary cheer me up pressie? Yarn? Maine Coon? Both?
If they stole the laptop, how long do you think until the discover the keyboard don’t work from a rat peeing on it?
Oh boy, another devastating thought….what if they found our “naughty” draw? 
OMG they did find the naughty draw.
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Best Tweets: July 2011

July’s been a big month for Kiwis online. NZ gained another global meme, thanks to Cameron Leslie. Top Model continued to take over the Twitterverse. @BexieLady gained Klout in “sausages” – wait, what?

Cos being online is awesome
BexieLady Klout still says I am influential about sausages. Wonderful.
MoataTamaira Everyone in office now looking up their unicorn names. My work here is done.
iamkateharley I got banned from trademe because I took more than 3-5 working days for me to send a 60 yr old man his marykate & ashley dvd.
tarasutherland search terms to find my blog: getting high off codral, auckland fucking city, why is masturbation called masturbation, the letter p. :-/
Nightwyrm If anyone hears uncontrollable sobbing, it’s just me opening my work emails.

Some old school media
nzmovieguy Taxi driver is telling me about his letter to the editor. He’s pulled out the newspaper to look for it. Yes, the car is in motion.
danslevin Just bought my first newspaper in weeks. The fire needed lighting.
iChild Lots of crying on #NZNTM tonight. Anyone else think the girls have synchronized their cycles?

New Zealand, owl!
DavidSlack What you must always do is blow on your pie, finish your set and cook the man some eggs. #NZRulesToLiveBy

Oh, life
nzmovieguy A man just walked by me and said to the lady with him “some by birth, some by choice”. Not entirely sure what he meant by that.
andrealessi That awkward moment when you can no longer tell the difference between artfully styled hipsters and unwashed engineering students.
Nightwyrm People who book 12.30 meetings deserve their own special place in hell.
Vegrandis If you have 10E/10F boobies there are some good $3 bras (marked down from like $80) at BNT at Dressmart lolol, also, congrats on the body.
kittenypentland This year I have taken to wearing a scarf so it needs to be stated for the record: if I’m found strangled it was clumsiness not auto-erotica
TheNoemi Getting legs waxed. #ouch why do I do this again? That’s right, I don’t want to scare the children when we go to thermal pools.
vaughndavis Just texted my wife: “Fucking nanny!” do I need to follow up and explain this was a grumble and not a status update?
elpie Who knew that SkyTV boxes could catch fire if cats sleep on them? I didn’t, but do now.

Parenting
fleurtee Got a little worried when reading Mr6’s story “Spiderman you cunt….” pretty sure he meant can’t, should probably correct him on that one!
SpeelyFreaking Currently stuffing cold mashed potato into an envelope addressed to Africa. Why? Because stubborn parenting is how I roll.
SheldonNesdale My 2yo son has taken to yelling across the house using my wife’s first name. Who the heck did he learn that from?
MrsKateLincoln I think we’ve turned the smallchild into a JAFA. Only 20 months old & has requested to go out for coffee.

Some people are a worry!
PebblesHooper is cocaine a carb?
AdageBusiness oops neighbours just asked me to turn music down … told them I will when the move their bedhead away from the wall got a blank look
ryansallan Royal Oak roundabout is dangerous as fuck. Especially when trying to tweet.
tauhenare Do not lick the knife that you used in the hot hot fudge until it has cooled down. #recipes #fudge #hotknife

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How to write a brand Facebook post

Writing a great Facebook status update for a brand is so much more than a simple formula. If it were that easy, we’d have a whole bunch of amazing pages and a lot of happy brand managers. You can’t just pick up a marketing plan and implement it, word-for-word, into a Facebook page.

I think there are three layers to creating a brand’s Facebook update.

The Users

Your tone, subject matter, even the kinds of words you use should be dictated by the users of the page, who are attracted to your existing brand. If your brand is marketed correctly outside of Facebook, those who ‘like’ will reflect that.

Who are these people? Use Facebook Insights to learn basic demographics – age, sex, location. Check their profiles to see what else they ‘like’ on Facebook. Do they like polls? Photos? Links? What do they want from your branded page? Read what’s been posted to the brand’s wall already – there’s often a wealth of feedback in what’s there – or not there. Which leads onto point two:

The Page

What is the current state of your brand’s page? Neglected? No engagement? Is every status update a link, and no one’s clicking on them? Conversely, is your page vibrant with feedback and users chatting to one another? You can expect to adjust your next status according to the current state of the page. This may mean scrapping a status you hoped to pop up, and going with something completely different. Content calendars must be fluid, even for this reason alone.

The Brand

What does the brand actually want out of their Facebook page – and if it doesn’t serve your ‘fans’ then why are you doing it? Does it serve the marketing gods? The website hit gods? Or is it there to enrich peoples lives – however you interpret that.

If your brand is not thinking “people first” then you probably need to re-assess why you’re on Facebook. You may as well take out a TVC. (No disrespect to TVCs, you know I love them, but they’re broadcast. Facebook is not.)

So once the brand knows where it stands on those fronts – and has any issues addressed, it’s time to get writing! Here’s a few nuggets of gold from around the weberverse:

  • Spelling and grammar must be audience appropriate. No matter how great your point if you can’t spell ‘their’ right you’ll crash and burn. – Stephanie Robertson
  • Know your audience – and don’t drink and post! – Wendy Thompson
  • Ask for photos. – Claire Huxley

And here are mine:

  • Keep posts short. People read less online. They probably won’t click “read more” on your update.
  • Keep it friendly – users are looking at brand’s status updates amongst their friends, so it’s easy to appear advertorial.
  • Give people multiple reasons to interact (make it ‘like’able, ask a question, seek feedback).
  • Don’t always do the same type of status. Mix it up with photos, polls, and links. Pay attention to which types get your audience going!
  • Act on feedback. For example, if someone’s asked for a “caption this” photo, give it to them! And say something like “you asked for it, so here it is!” – acknowledgement is really important.
  • Above all else, THINK LIKE A FAN. Do they want to see this status update? Really?

So it’s not a simple formula, and this is by no means an exhaustive list. But by firstly coming at it from a user’s perspective, you’ll end the majority of Facebook status woes.

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Best Tweets: June 2011

Some of you made the list twice. Don’t go getting ideas, though. You may want to read your tweets first.

Hit-on of the month?

AliIkram @NZTopModelColin mate u r the most beautiful thing out there and I’m not even into chaps #NZNTM

Life’s little moments

TophHooperton Oh dear god. Reason not to tweet snarky things at a web conference. It’s broadcast on a GIANT screen.
AlastairBoyes One thinks I shouldn’t be able to hear the headphones of a guy 3 seats down with my own on.
supergibbo trust Apple 2 make a item so desired u have 2 jump through hoops to get 1. Feel rejected now like being denied @ a Bluelight Disco
Hilary_Barry It’s hard to keep a straight face with the weatherman talking about “a finger of high pressure.” I saw one of those on the motorway today.
davidfarrier found a long girls hair on my toothbrush which is weird because no girls have been here. maybe it’s a horse hair
AaronBeardNZ Really wish the TV countdown family would adopt David Bain.
kittengloves There are 2 certainties in life: 1. Death. 2. A whole draw full of plastic containers and lids THAT DO NOT MATCH.
aaronmorton I have had it with these motherfuckin’ quakes on this motherfuckin’ (Canterbury) plain! #eqnz
samfromwgtn* From AMEX: “Thanks for applying… regretfullly unable to offer you membership… your personal income does not meet requirements.”
*TradeMe founder who sold the business for a reported $300 million

Kids, eh?

kimmmillwood Miss8: “I love your sway-ey bits. You know, the soft wobbly parts.” No more hugs for that child.
SpeelyFreaking There was a queue outside our bathroom this morning. I think I need more bathrooms… or less children. Whatever.
Covlin Apparently my little cousin got confused after his teacher gave him a red sticker. Teacher wasn’t meaning to declare him damaged. #eqnz.
Tarquin_Death Toddlers are the only people who actually enjoy seagulls. Maybe that is the point of seagulls

Just another day in the office

mikekooge Our office has decided on who will play who in a movie – Vaughan: Jack Black, Clint: Zac Efron, me: Paul Giamatti. Thanks everyone, really.
amiewee That awkward moment at a porn shoot when the rose petals catch fire
TeArahi_Maipi Just got asked for a phone interview on the train. Would have done it but it’s in Maori and someone might think I’m a terrorist. Call back

Animals. Why do we bother?

NZGeekGirl Have now shut the hung over cat in the bathroom with a litter box, she can come out once it’s all over.
velofille Only one thing worse than hearing a cat puke up next to your bed at 3am, hearing the other cat ‘clean’ it up

I am awesome

TophHooperton Sometimes I wish I could give myself a high five and not look ridiculous.
bobsyauncle That moment when you go to push your glasses up the bridge of your nose, but you’re not wearing them today & poke yourself in the eye
philbilbrough Just emailed myself. And then I didn’t understand what I was asking for.
TangThang just realised that I’ve been studying for the wrong exam and that the exam is at 2pm not 12….. well 2 hours to get me some MAJOR study
WayneLikesPie Just polished off a jar of crushed garlic.
bobsyauncle Giving blood & a nurse tells me I’m “a perfect specimen”. I know what she really meant

Oh, Twitter

m00ps Expanding a t.co link to reveal another shortened url is like the shittest game of Pass the Parcel ever.
ErinJackson Twitter: are you suggesting I follow someone is similar to me cos they have the same last name, or is it the Amish-style beard?
GreerMcDonald Note to self: re-read hashtags before you send. #ladieswhoreport quickly becomes… yeah, well.