Best Tweets: September 2012

It’s that time: The best Kiwi tweets of September 2012 are right here!

Awake
@beekaynz I was woken at 5:40am by three little words to warm my heart “Doing poo, Mummy”.
@gurrlwithacurl 5.20am is brought to you by the dulcet tones of the cat fight.

Stay Classy!
@DomHarvey Dom: I see you have my book in store. Have you sold any yet? St Lukes Whitcoulls: Let me just check the computer……..no.
@JaredNeilsen Glade has ruined walking in parks! The smell of fresh cut flowers now reminds me of restrooms…
@astruc I wish breasts weren’t on your chest but on your neck, so you’d always have a pillow to lean your chin on
@_HannahTweets_ Also. I think that if your razor head breaks completely off when you attempt to shave your legs you should probs just remain celibate.
@pinkdeedle I like to think of my @TradeMe feedback as my sex feedback. “delivers goods promptly!” “fast and friendly. Highly recommended”. “A+”.
@liltoastfairy Listening to one child threaten to “actually shit on you. Using real poos” should probably get up now
@UrzilaCarlson I can get a fart out without squeezing!

Lost in Translation
@daihenwood The upside of not speaking the language of the country you are in means you get very good at charades. Although my mime for mouthwash… mmmm
@AliIkram Given the PMs accent almost committed us 2 a war last week his decision not to raise Pussy Riot with Putin is wise.

NZ tweets
@mikokiko Hey snobby lady. Ohakune called. They want their carrot back.
@LOLGASMS I want a coke bottle with my name on it. But alas, my name is not Hemi or Tavita, so I’ll have to go without
@BitchAboutDevo Lol the Takapuna Grammar kids are glaring at us cause we took the back row of the bus fuck off we have NCEA L3

This is the modern age
@nzmikewilson To find out who views your Facebook profile the most, look in the mirror.
@RachelRayner Lady at next table, upon receiving her cocktail: “Whoa, shit! That’s an intagrammer!”
@angusbhodgson HELP. HOW DOES ONE TURN OFF THEIR OWN SECURITY ALARM. I’VE RUN OUTSIDE AND STARTED TWEETING. THAT’S NOT WORKING.
@Kiwi_Chatter My latest follower is 13 and a christian. Do I block her for her sake?
@paulbrislen I write about telcos, and get ten replies. Copyright gets me 20. Tell everyone about my cat… 350+. You guys are weird.
@jacindaardern Very serious man in an air force uniform next to me on plane instantly looks less serious when his iPad comes out for a round of angry birds
@meganebs So uh, Peaches and Cream sell sex toys and Peaches and Creme sell yarn. Thanks for that moment of confusion, Google.
@TaneBufton Hey auto correct, quit tampering with my swear words, you mother forklift.

Best use of a hashtag:
@cjlambert quick other banks! *cue rolling thunder switch campaigns #blackhorsedown

The name I pulled out of the hat (thanks, @VinLew) this month was @paulbrislen – Paul, you get that delicious Old Mout prize pack! Be sure to follow @OldMoutCider so they can sort you out 🙂