Best Kiwi Tweets of July 2014

Compiled by @xenojay

Thanks Cate for thinking I have the chops to follow Takapunani and collate this month’s tweets. HERE WE ARE AT JULIUS CAESAR’S MONTH! Two cultures are destroying each other as Royals sneak into Commonwealth Game athletes pictures, all the while our countries politicians are starting to pop up on billboards which are defaced as quickly as a Jesus Fresco in Spain.

Oh, and Ebola appears to be back in a large way, along with a potentially fatal strain of ‘cold virus’ having been created by some scientist who thought that was a smart idea.

So let’s read over some amusing anecdotes while we prepare for what will most likely be the impending zombie apocalypse!

In-Your-Endo
@mostlydolly when dating as a “mature” woman, I can only offer 1 piece of advice. Wine.
@RachelRayner I’ve had the sniffles for a week. There are so many used tissues in my bedroom, it looks like I’ve been hosting a Teen boy.
@Tarquin_Death This skirt seemed longer when I wasn’t in the office
@NanaJ9 Man outside supermarket manning the charity bbq “this lady looks like she needs a sausage”….. More than you know mate. More than you know.

No More Beersies For You
@3rd_Gen_ If anyone is slightly hungover – be assured at least your not my neighbour who I ‘met’ in elevator last night being carried in by 6 friends
@southernscoop I used to live next door to Che Fu. Puked on his house. His dog ate it. Possibly inspired a song.
@tomtremewan S/O to the hammered dude waiting for his burger eating leftover burgers from other peoples’ table

Commonwealth-Schmommenwealth
@dovil Is the Opening Ceremony drunk?
@_surlymermaid_ Is the games opening really that bad? You guys are making it sound like it’s the Home and Away cast remaking House of Cards
@jospehmoore1 How good was that pash???!!! More pashing in opening ceremonies please #Glasgow2014
@wecanpartthesea Mum on the young mountain biker who won a medal in Glasgow: “It looked so easy, I could have done it.”
@GrumpyYetAmusin “Trust the Aussies to have shit togs” #TheWife #CommonwealthGames

What Even Is Politics?
@DavidSlack NZ First slogan: “It’s Common Sense”. Arse. I had twenty bucks on “Nurse!!”
@aaronincognito I have just been followed by @InternetPartyNZ. This means I’m about to be followed by @GCSBIntercepts
@zkerr590 OH in newsroom: “Oh that politician is filled with candy, if you whack him with a stick, the lollies come out”
@toby_etc If I were the Fish & Game CEO I too would be very upset if Nick Smith started threatening to twerk.

Anti-Social Media
@cateowen It’s my brother’s birthday in two days. I’ve changed his Facebook settings to make his birthday private. No one is going to get notified.
@hdpaNEWS Last night a 60 year old burned me in front of other 60 year olds by yelling out “HASHTAG BORN”.
@mlle_elle A cider company has reached 100,000 fans on Facebook. How does this even happen. How do they user engagement. How do they Facebook
@Nightwyrm “We encourage you to download the Messenger app…” Yeah nah, fuck off FB.
@delphijunkie Just won a staring contest with the cat and I need to tweet about it or my victory will be hollow

Mum’s The Word!
@_snozzberry_ “Why is he wearing glasses with no lenses?” – Mum “Did you ask Michael Jackson why he wore one glove?” OMG I just compared Redfoo to MJ
@TheComedyWife If your baby farts into your hand while you’re carrying her is it still considered a cupcake? Not asking for a friend.
@bexielady Told the midwife I’m planning on making placenta meatloaf. She thought I was serious and tried hard to be supportive. Oops.
@nikinajar Granny on farming: ‘there used to be six million sheep in New Zealand. Then the cows took over’
@josiecampbell The great thing about funerals is that it gives your relatives a chance to not understand your career/hairstyle choices.

Life. Oh Life.
@hamo_d My superpower is that nobody wants to sit next to me on the train. #itsagift
@chrisiswhoiam it’s 2014 and i’m still bloody baffled by what goes on under an escalator
@vergrandis Unless there’s free food or dick – I don’t know how to be on time for things.
@Rose_Matafeo Looking forward to another year of being mistaken for Keisha Castle-Hughes now that she’s famous again
@TophHooperton I’m watching a woman demonstrating a slicer in The Warehouse to get a free potato peeler. #NewLow (I think I’m gonna buy the slicer.)

Oh, So That’s How You Journalism…
@chris__schulz “Just vomit words onto the page” #overheardintheheraldnewsroom #handytipforaspiringjournos
@SteveBraunias Someone unfollowed @dbseymour so he only had 665 followers so I followed to bring it back to 666 then someone else followed so I unfollowed

Winner – In a hotly contested competition (Not really, I just want it to sound dramatic), I choose @NanaJ9 because I laughed at it more than the amount of sausages sold by that Charity BBQ Group. Which was probably a lot.

Cheers,
Jordan

zenergylogoCongrats @NanaJ9 and thank you @xenojay! Both of you will be getting vouchers from the @zenergynz team so you can enjoy petrol and pies!

2 Readers Commented

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  1. Belinda on August 1, 2014

    One day… just one day… it’ll be my name in lights. Nice humour, folks. Keeping me well-stocked with fart-laughs.

  2. Tara on August 1, 2014

    I snorted coffee (and probably a booger or three) over NanaJ9’s sausage tweet too – good choice!