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Best Tweets: December 2011

Welcome to the last edition of Tweets of the Month for 2011. December was full of Christmas, so there’s a special section dedicated to the wonderment of the season. Also Albany Mall – what a magical place, filled with so much happiness.

Wisdom
robtreacher Smile and say hello to a stranger today. Chances are they’ll say hi back and not attack you.
al_nz GPS is smarter than I expected gave it credit for. It tried to get me me drive around Tokoroa. I stupidly ignored it
NanaJ9 0800 DOC HOT is not the phone number for sexy Doctors. It’s the animal rescue hotline for Department of Conservation. #rippedoff

Reporters gone wild
NZCharlieGates I just found a Roses chocolate on the floor of the office. Score.
JaneLuscombe Top story of the day goes to @ReporterRachel Won’t give too much away, two words: crocodile and lawnmower.

Stay classy, Twitter
pinkdeedle Thought I felt a baby kick in my tummy but it was just a fart. Which is good.
NZGeekGirl I think I just gave myself I hickey on the arm with the vaccum cleaner.
lmfbs Cleaned kitty litter, threw up in clean kitty litter tray. Thats the second time this week. Fuck.
SoniaLee Just looked in the mirror – I have a half melted Hershey kiss & a pea in my cleavage!
melhomer Ballet beautiful last nite,although unfortunate pouch incident made lead man look like he had a bulgy vagina. That was a little distracting.

Whanau, Interrupted
Nightwyrm Early episodes of Thomas The Tank Engine is teaching my kids that it’s okay to wall up someone naughty in a tunnel and leave them there.
hannahhannahhan “It’ll be a gang bang!” said Mum as she instructed all of us to pull our Christmas crackers at the same time.
samanthamcqueen Did my brother really just text me “are you home” from his room because he was too lazy to walk up the stairs? Answer: yes.
Vegrandis You know you really like a guy when you go pash your twin brother to make the guy jealous. That’s dedication and passion #StarWars
bex2010 Mum reckons shes gunna brush past benji marshall then let people lick her arm, for a fee. Something wrong with that woman.

Christmas-related emergencies
cescadotkay Every year I run out of sellotape. This year I thankfully had a supply of duct tape so we didn’t have to use bandaids like in 2006.
Tikorangi Was my first ever #SecretSanta experience. Clearly more blessed to give than receive.
richirvine If you have difficulty parking a motor vehicle properly, come to Countdown Mairangi Bay, all your relations are here
amiewee Probably going to spend Christmas drinking gin and spooning a blow up doll.
crumblecromwell Two questions Twitter. What time does KFC open? And what time does the liquor store open?

Albany Mall has it’s own section
rgoodchild I need a tshirt that reads “I survived albany mall”
TroyRF Albany Mall. Today. Bring shotgun? Y/N
becs355 Hell has some upsides. Albany Mall, not so much.
richirvine At Albany Mall. Wish I was drunk.

And Supre. Let’s not forget Supre.
BitchAboutDevo Fire Alarm went off at work & people were all “can I try this on/ buy this first?” IF THERE WERE A REAL FIRE YOU WOULD HAVE DIED. IN SUPRE.

Rick Rolled
brettroberts Rickrolling turns evil… I just clicked on a Reddit link titled “Rick Astley – Never Gonna Give You Up” and was taken to a Nickleback video

Let’s end on a nice note
Countesscupcake I told a random lady last night she looked amazing, she looked like she was going to cry with happiness. People need to be nicer humans.

 

Old Mout CiderBecause of her random act of kindness, I’m going to declare Countesscupcake our Tweeter of the Month! Congrats, and make sure you’re following @OldMoutCider so they can send you a case of deliciousness 🙂

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NZ in 2011: As told by Kiwis on Twitter

Twenty Eleven was a big year in Kiwiland: A year of huge highs, and gut-twisting lows. This was a year of elections, world cups, earthquakes, tornadoes, and even a Twitter baby.

Calling these few the “best” tweets isn’t right; throughout the process of looking at the tweets of 2011 there were so many that made me laugh, think, and cry. There are some amazing ones which have not made the cut: There are simply too many to list here. But thank you – each and every one of you – for sharing a part of yourself with the rest of us.

May we never lose sight of the fact that we’re all just human beings, being human.

Cate x

There was an earthquake that broke our hearts – but not our spirits

We shared the dark times

We shared messages of hope

…and didn’t lose our senses of humour

That awesome tweet where Paula Penfold stood up against a tabloid writer

Remember that time we nearly got raptured?

2011 was the year we learned of ‘monthly sickness’

Remember that time it snowed?

It snowed in Wellington…

…and Auckland refused to be outdone

The NZPA closed its doors

A ship crashed and started spewing her shit everywhere

We did this a lot

There was a lot of Rugby World Cup madness

Remember the Pink Fist?

Sonny Bill Everything

There were the flags…

Do you remember the day that Graham Henry’s face changed?

And then we all got really, really drunk.

Then there was an election

And Movember

Then we got straight into Christmas

So that was some of New Zealand’s 2011, via Twitter. I hope next year is disaster free, full of fun, and has many, many amazing Tweets in the works.

Here’s to 2012!

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Google Correlate

The engineers at Google are a pretty amazing bunch of people, and some of the work they’ve been doing in the area of trends mapping is incredible.

They can now track the spread of disease, and predict outbreaks according to Google searches performed in certain areas – check out Google Flu Trends.

Now they’ve launched Google Correlate – an experimental tool that lets us see data relating to various searches over time. It’s like Google Trends, but in reverse.

It’s easier to explain with examples.

Let’s say someone has just googled “divorce” – what did they Google last week? Last month? Last year? Now we can find out. Disclaimer: I may have totally munted these searches, so please feel free to try your own versions.

  • A year before searching divorce, they were looking up new car models, weight loss and “remove odour”
  • A month before, they were googling “quotes about marriage”
  • A week before: medicines – specifically creams to reduce swelling or bruising.

What about “have an affair”?

  • Four months before: World of Warcraft and “Kings of Leon lyrics”.
  • Three months earlier: pregnancy tests, and weed.
  • Two months earlier: “How long does weed stay in your system?”
  • Three weeks earlier: “pay Victoria secret credit card”.
  • The week before: “how to shave public hair”.

How about “I think I’m pregnant”

  • Six weeks before: beer pong.
  • Two weeks before: “how to get over an ex” and “loss of appetite”.
  • The week before: “sore nipples”.

Sorry, honey, but I think you’re pregnant.

So… “abortion”

  • A year before: Religion in schools
  • Six weeks before: school science project ideas
  • Three weeks before: The names of saints
  • The week before: “Christian views” and “political views”

It’s such interesting stuff, and I’m sure many, many gems are going to come out of the woodwork.

Nice stuff Google, you crazy, information-laden big brother!

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Tips to viral content

Problogger has released an infographic based on research from Noah Brier, Blueglass and Future Buzz that talks about how to viral content.

It’s a good graphic, but he’s obviously trying to viral a gfx which could better service the audience by just writing it out! Don’t get me wrong – his tactic is working – the graphic has just been featured on Mashable.

It reminds me of the chatroulette love song. For those of you who missed that out, video is below. In a nutshell, a Danish Masters student named Rune Iversen was researching what would make a video viral. He had a theory that you needed someone cute to front a video that evoked a strong emotion from the watcher. The video (below) he made to test his theory has had over 5.7 million views to date.

“Make something that gives people a story that they feel. Make people happy, make sure your content is good,” Rune says, adding that it must be genuine.

“Every bit of it is real,” he told reporters. “We were on Chatroulette and she came up randomly, after having filmed for about 10 minutes, and we had choreographed it meticulously and we just played the song for her.”

The chatroulette love song:

YouTube’s trends manager Kevin Alocca also has some great insights about why video virals. Speaking at a TED event, he said that the most popular clips often had unexpected or suprising content, were pushed by alpha influencers, and were easy for members of the public to contribute to and own.

Tips for helping content to go viral:

  • The content is worthy of being shared; It is funny, incredible, unbelievable, deeply emotional, makes us think. It evokes a strong reaction from us.
  • The content is easy to find; it’s on platforms we already use, or is shared with us by trusted sources
  • The content is easy to share; sharing buttons are attached, it is embeddable
  • The content works – the links aren’t broken, the video loads properly, it’s readable, images render nicely, pageload isn’t through the roof

    • Here’s Problogger’s infographic:

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    Best Tweets: November 2011

    Without any fanfare, here are your Kiwi tweets of the month! Enjoy 🙂

    Kids and their parents: Stay Classy
    LouDxx OMFG! Reading @CateOwen‘s tweets of the month and missed my baby’s first roll!
    BexieLady Pregnant Oversharer has posted 3 times today already that she can’t wait to hold her baby. at 13.5 weeks she’ll be waiting a while…
    gnat Mr 12 just told me the best thing in life is to crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamination of their women.
    sineadboucher Parents really need to get their Santa stories straight. A slight deviation in the neighbours’ version and kid CSI ensues
    paulapenfold Maia: “Mum, I need your signature on this” (school trip form) Me: “I’m busy, ask Dad” Maia: “Dad, can you put mum’s signature on this”
    TophHooperton You guys have a lot of kids with avant-garde names. Sure “Miss 8” sounds cool now, but what about when she’s 62? THINK PEOPLE.

    We are the People of Twitter
    amiewee I love how many people immediately thought of me when they saw inflatable sumo suits on a daily deals website.
    wenuwish Just dropped my iPad on my face. well that woke me up.
    kittengloves Ok, there seems to be some confusion between “Drunk Lauren” and “Spiritual Lauren”.
    _lisasaurus @ChangHung23 if you want kids let me know. always wanted an asian baby, considered stealing one but may get locked up for that.
    smrtgirl never drinking again … until next time I do … but definitely not today …
    Tarquin_Death Set of summer-themed word magnets has appeared at work. Words include ‘long,’ ‘hot’ & ‘rod’ (for fishing). Doubt I will be allowed near them
    pinkdeedle I hate when people txt you and they say “I’m in your house” and you can’t remember if u picked your undies up off the floor or flushed…
    HungryandFrozen Still find it funny how on Twitter I can unthinkingly, casually tweet a celeb, when in person I’d be all “H-HI YOU’RE SO WOW” at best.
    robtreacher If I die before the 1st of December, for fuck’s sake, please shave this moustache off me #movember
    not_friends Sitting in bed, eating chips, writing about how diet and exercise contribute to obesity
    Sophie_Kingston Made a pass the parcel tonight, it really is harder that it looks
    Xenojay Rocking out at my desk to Rihanna’s “What’s My Name” because I have a vagina like that
    brenasmith Did someone turn up the gravity?
    CoryJane1080 Here’s the thing… I’m cool with swimming in my undies but the ones I have on are white.
    clumsydolly Fell into sandwich board sign in street. Got stuck on it and rode it like a hobby horse until someone helped me off. Winning? Not so much.
    jonohutchison Will the police search TV3 today? Not sure, but might strip down to my underwear pre-emptively so everyone knows I’m not hiding the tea tape
    jethrocarr OMFG this office chair hurts my ass more than that drunken night on K Rd that never, ever, happened and would never be spoken of again.

    Keep calm and carry on
    katemcenaney Putting a clear sticky cover on your iPhone is serious business – guy at Mac store told me to go home, relax and put it on in a calm place.
    donkey So, the Theory of Relativity means that time passes more slowly when you spend it with your relatives?
    Covlin Do people who constantly ask “PLZ RT” also just walk up to random people asking for a pash?
    nzJayZee There’s a size 6 for women in NZ fashion? How are you not dead? Eat foods.
    SpeelyFreaking On top of ‘Attending’, ‘Not Attending’ and ‘Maybe Attending’, Facebook added the RSVP option ‘Pretending I Haven’t Seen This Event’.

    Ahh New Zealand
    gtiso I don’t think I had ever seen six tui in our garden before. (The collective noun, by the way, is a yearight of tui.)
    mikokiko Got a letter from ministry of justice for parking fines. I owed 34c.
    TophHooperton I wonder if I should tell that lady that she has a squashed cockroach on her back.
    glennzb Who the hell decorates their Christmas tree with a HELICOPTER? I feel reckless if one of the kids gets on a kitchen chair to do the star
    philwalter Any idea when Easter Eggs will be in stores?
    TroyRF I fear I may have caught the “hygiene optional” bus this afternoon
    meaglee You know it’s going to be an interesting night when some drunk girl shows you her vagina
    lmfbs At breaking dawn. Theatre smells like vomit already.
    Hilary_Barry It’s always fun to come home and find the hubby half way through 3 News. “Hils, look at this!” Yeah love, seen it
    benjamintelfer Walked in on a guy blow-drying his wang in the gym changing rooms.
    mrbrownsbag So two bleeding noses, four destroyed relationships and one broken arm later, I’m ready to call this workshop a success.
    kittengloves #Fact I once went to a wedding where the “walking out” music was the Home And Away theme.
    JaredNeilsen Homeless guy walks down road toward me, stops and asks “is that Church open?” I say “I’m not sure.” Him: “find out, you need help”

    The Naked and Famous
    Vegrandis Someone asked me if I was the asian chick from Naked&Famous and I was like “Yeah, the PORNO, not the band.” NOT THE BAND. I have integrity.

    The election, as told by Twitter
    Slanecartoons Someone must stand as “John Keys”, and split the stupid vote
    wenuwish Its nice to see the election billboards showing their support for movember.
    annagconnell Some Key People just knocked on the door. Took perverse pleasure in answering the door with no bra on.
    kittengloves Attention Hipsters: DO NOT VOTE IRONICALLY.
    bobsyauncle I want a politician to fill me with the same respect & wonderment I see in my kids when I make a farty sound with my hand & armpit
    snappy_nz Just sat a multi choice quiz on politics down at the local school. Pretty sure I aced it.
    hollyrwalker OMG guys, I think I just got elected to Parliament!
    nzrckstr I REALLY want John Banks to become the Minister overseeing Len Brown. What fun!!
    jonohutchison My Twitter feed yesterday: HOORAY, DEMOCRACY! My Twitter feed today: SCREW YOU, DEMOCRACY

    Kiwi Tweet(er) of the Month, brought to you by Old Mout Cider

    Old Mout CiderThis month there was no one tweet that got a stand out number of nominations… But there was a tweeter who did.

    Congrats kittengloves – you got nominated more than anyone else, so this month you are crowned Tweeter of the Month! Make sure you’re following @OldMoutCider so they can send you a case 🙂

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    Most Shared Articles on Facebook in 2011

    Facebook have release a list of the top 40 articles shared on their platform this year. Thes stories range from strange to heartbreaking, and in terms of content providers, CNN and the NYT come out looking quite good.

    So here’s the list:

    1. Satellite Photos of Japan, Before and After the Quake and Tsunami (New York Times)
    2. What teachers really want to tell parents (CNN)
    3. No, your zodiac sign hasn’t changed (CNN)
    4. Parents, don’t dress your girls like tramps (CNN)
    5. (video) – Father Daughter Dance Medley (Yahoo)
    6. At funeral, dog mourns the death of Navy SEAL killed in Afghanistan (Yahoo)
    7. You’ll freak when you see the new Facebook (CNN)
    8. Dog in Japan stays by the side of ailing friend in the rubble (Yahoo)
    9. Giant crocodile captured alive in Philippines (Yahoo)
    10. New Zodiac Sign Dates: Ophiuchus The 13th Sign? (The Huffington Post)
    11. Parents keep child’s gender under wraps (Yahoo)
    12. How to Talk to Little Girls (The Huffington Post)
    13. Stop Coddling the Super-Rich (New York Times)
    14. Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior (Wall Street Journal)
    15. (video) – Twin Baby Boys Have A Conversation! (Yahoo)
    16. Man robs bank to get medical care in jail (Yahoo)
    17. Why You’re Not Married (The Huffington Post)
    18. A Sister’s Eulogy for Steve Jobs (New York Times)
    19. Ryan Dunn Dead: ‘Jackass’ Star Dies In Car Crash (The Huffington Post)
    20. Scientists warn California could be struck by winter ‘superstorm’ (Yahoo)
    21. Notes From a Dragon Mom (New York Times)
    22. A Message to Women From a Man: You Are Not “Crazy” (The Huffington Post)
    23. Obama’s and Bush’s effects on the deficit in one graph (Washington Post)
    24. Penn State, my final loss of faith (Washington Post)
    25. Golden-Voiced Homeless Man Captivates Internet (Yahoo)
    26. The most typical face on the planet (Yahoo)
    27. Widespread destruction from Japan earthquake, tsunamis (CNN)
    28. Permissive parents: Curb your brats (CNN)
    29. A father’s day wish: Dads, wake the hell up! (CNN)
    30. (video) – Laughing Baby Loves Ripping Paper! (Yahoo)
    31. Epic Cover Letter: How To Get Hired For Your Dream Job (PICTURE) (The Huffington Post)
    32. New Zodiac sign dates: Don’t switch horoscopes yet (Washington Post)
    33. Things Babies Born in 2011 Will Never Know (Yahoo)
    34. The Psychology of Revenge: Why We Should Stop Celebrating Osama Bin Laden’s Death (The Huffington Post)
    35. (photo gallery) – ‘Where Children Sleep’ (New York Times)
    36. Quake moved Japan coast 8 feet, shifted Earth’s axis (CNN)
    37. Steve Jobs, Apple founder, dies (CNN)
    38. China’s latest craze: dyeing pets to look like other wild animals (CNN)
    39. Grant Hill’s Response to Jalen Rose (New York Times)
    40. Steve Jobs’s Patents (New York Times)

    Most of this I’ve already read, if not shared with friends!

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    The Postsecret and the Swamp

    Reading the weekly Postsecret offerings is a bit of a ritual in my world. As I think about each one – sometimes in passing, sometimes at length – I often see reflections of myself.

    I found one particularly touching:

    As I read it, I felt really sad.

    I lived in a swamp for a long time. I had an overwhelming feeling that it was my destiny, that the hard drudgery is what life is… That to escape from such a place requires a miracle not offered to those in the depths.

    I think many people have felt the same way.

    If you’re in that place – where the path out of the swamp feels too hard – don’t give up. Life is not all roses and sunshine like we often expect it to be. Life is hard work, it can be rough as guts, and it can hurt. But there’s a very important thing you need to know: The swamp – the place you were born into or now find yourself – is not a reflection on how precious and important you are.

    Because you are so very precious, and do not deserve to live your life hidden away in a dark place.

    So what can you do about it?

    It’s time to start walking out of the swamp. Today. Right now. Change a mindset, change a habit. Stop talking down to yourself. Reach out to someone who can help you. Whatever your swamp is, now is the time to look towards something new.

    It’s going to hurt, because hope hurts the heart that’s not used to it, but, trust me, even though the pain and scariness of change may be greater than the pain of living where you are right now, it’s worth it.

    Think of it this way: You get a nasty infection in your elbow, which causes it to seize up. You’re not having any joy moving the joint, and you can’t carry much weight on it, but it’s functional. It doesn’t really matter that you can’t do everything, does it? Then a doctor takes a look at your elbow and suggests that cleaning out the infection will fully heal you. You agree to the treatment, and the doctor starts work.

    It hurts. It fucking hurts.

    You have a choice. You can persevere, or you can give up. You can fight through, or you can succumb.

    Hand on heart, from someone who has walked the path out of the swamp – out of multiple swamps – it’s worth the fight. Don’t ever let the pain of healing rob you of your future.

    Because what a future you can have.

    This was a Postsecret that reminded me of how far I’ve come, and hopefully, it’ll inspire those who read this and need to hear it – you matter, your life matters, and it will get better.

    Be brave.

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    5 great cat videos

    I love a good cat video, so here’s five of my favourite YouTube cat vids, in no particular order:

    Woof! Woof! Woof! Wo- oh. Oh hai, didn’t see you there. Meow. Meow.

    The original stalker cat

    I LOVE cat gone!

    Cutest kitten ever

    No cat video collection would be complete without Maru!

    Please add your favourites in the comments!

    UPDATE: I’ve just discovered this one so have to add it in as a late entry.

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    Like Crazy – Review

    Last night I had a chance to see Like Crazy – a love story that is both surprising and honest.

    It follows young lovers, British Anna (Felicity Jones, Brideshead Revisited, Chalet Girl) and American Jacob (Anton Yelchin, Hearts in Atlantis, Star Trek), as they negotiate an intercontinental romance. Alex Kingston, known best for her role in ER, also gets a nice outing in this film.

    Set on a backdrop of beautiful cinematography, their love story slowly grows from initial long looks into a much deeper connection. I found myself both rooting for and frustrated by the characters. I needed to know how this one ended, and I wanted it to be a happy one. Was it? You’ll just have to watch.

    The film has picked up a few awards, most notably the Grand Jury Prize at Sundance, and a Special Jury nod to Jones for her acting.

    Like Crazy will be in New Zealand cinemas from February 2.

    Watch the trailer

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    Best Tweets: October 2011

    New Zealand had an epic month – for some good, and some not-so-good reasons. Here are your AWESOME October tweets!

    Oh, internet!
    kev_nz     I love how the internet makes everybody an expert on everything.
    Tarquin_Death     Blog comment: “I’ve read better articles in youtube comments.” Pretty sure this means I’ve made it!
    Nightwyrm     Seeing as New Zealand is a sheep nation, we should really refer to our Twitter posts as “bleats”.
    TophHooperton     Ohgod. Drunk replied to people at 2am on the work social media accounts. It doesn’t look too bad, though I did call someone ‘honey’.

    Some people are rad
    lindseyoutloud     I love random deliciousness from strangers. Called a wrong number today and said sorry. ‘Don’t be sorry,’ said whoever it was. ‘Be happy.’

    We may have a tiny issue with alcohol
    TrendsAuckland ‘hangover’ is now trending in Auckland
    LachlanForsyth This morning in the Newsroom I’ve found a crutch, a sleeping bag, 5 metres of bubblewrap & a metal detector. Things must have got craaa-zy…

    The Rena
    RachelRayner Who’s in charge of cleaning up the birds after Rena? DO THEY NEED TINY PENGUIN VESTS? I AM READY TO STEP UP.
    chowda_head     Now I know where that garbage scow from Kevin Costners’ Waterworld ended up. Repainted and renamed Rena

    That RWC thing is done and dusted…
    AliIkram     Let’s face it 10k is getting off lightly for advancing on a Haka considering what punishment would have been pre 1840
    MattTaylor     Passed a house with five All Blacks flags on the fence. Not impressed, needs more.
    madeleinesami It’s like The Lion King… but with a gold cup instead of Simba
    MurrayWills     I think one of the French Coaches might be wearing a fake mustache
    annagconnell     OMG Graham Henry’s face went from this >:-( to this I:-I
    DanielRutledge     K Road is already getting busy ahead of the RWC2011 final. There were only two piles of vomit and one blood splatter near Supper Club too!
    OliGarside     Quote from my sister: There’s too many Cocks in this game. Woodcock, Pocock, Quade Cooper…
    allstarangel     Slade off with a FUCKING sore GROIN?!?! What are these boys doing at night?!?!
    oneorangemonkey     ‘Oh my balls hurt, I can’t play games anymore’. Well at least he has a backup career as a heat pump.
    meghanmutrie     Ordered a takeaway All Black by accident instead of a long black. That’s twice now.
    KaseBeats     at least Mike Tindall had a good holiday.

    (and a serious one!)
    VickyRF Husband watching live, Dad watching in China, Grandad & Uncle watching in England, & Grandpa watching in USA. International family is united

    … And now the election looms
    mitchyyyyy     I’ve decided to start a young wing of NZ First. Open to anyone between 15 and 65. Let me know if you’re keen.
    CherylBernstein     I feel least inclined to vote in this election of any, ever. Pity that No Confidence isn’t an option, like in student politics.
    VegasNZ     Winston Peters is back in Tauranga. That’s two old wrecks the town has to worry about
    AndreAlessi     “Building a Better Future”: Did the National Party really not see the problem with adopting the motto of every evil movie corporation ever?

    On being healthy with food
    Holliejsmith     Eating pineapple lumps for lunch is considered 1 of my ‘5 a day’s’ right?
    HungryandFrozen     I’ve got a bowl of leftover cream cheese icing. Dairy knowledge-keepers, can I freeze it? Already explored the “try eating it all” option

    I are awesome!
    paudecanela_nz     Went to PB Tech to get new monitor and asked the guy for “one of those USB thingies”. Good thing he doesn’t know I’m an IT journo
    melhomer     Went for a run. Wondered why everyone was looking at me strangely. Now realise I still have the fake blood on my neck from last nights party.
    Nightwyrm     Can’t wait for my bonus to come through in a month. I think I only have one pair of undies that doesn’t have holes.
    rgoodchild     arrrgh. just ended a really important business call with “thanks babe”
    benjamintelfer     I found my phone! Which I previously thought lost during the weekends celebrations. But no, was in the back of my wardrobe. WTF drunk Ben?!
    nzmovieguy     I wouldn’t have thought I was gay enough to spend 45 minutes picking the right neck tie for dinner, yet here I find myself.
    lmfbs     That awkward moment in the library when lube falls out of your bag
    PaMelville     Do not stab yourself accidently in the face with sharp scisssors. It bleeds A LOT

    Confusion
    WayneHatesFruit     Home and Away reminds me of Jurassic Park, but without the dinosaurs.
    JaredNeilsen     To the woman reading erotic fiction on the bus at 7.30 this morning…. Why?
    bentorkington     Followed by the @tokyo_gayfinder. Couple of small issues with that.
    beautygoss     I hope foreigners aren’t watching Police Ten 7 and Motorway Patrol or they will think we are a country of absolute muppets
    chrisphilpottnz     Is it bad if you find yourself attracted to a zombie? … I’m asking for a friend

    Life, eh?
    spudmasher     Someday you’ll be a beautiful swan. Just not today. Or any time soon.
    tamati_coffey     went to see The Help today with my boy. Heart wrenching and deep and sad and all that, but gotta say, makes me want a maid.
    Dane_McLean     Would be keen to watch “this is your life” if it was a judgemental version that surprised failures live on TV and asked ‘THIS is your life?‘
    DanielRutledge     I think I’m going to edit some of my favourite dolphin footage to some of my favourite trance tracks and then watch it heaps
    rohanadarkar     you know something is wrong with society when daily deal sites start offering discount vouchers to strip clubs.
    tanya     Just got asked for ID to buy a bowl of fries.
    jessbovey     I refuse to go bungee jumping, I came into this world because of a broken rubber. I will NOT leave the same way!
    juliewarm     You can pretty much guarantee that when someone says “I am not meaning to be rude” that they are in fact meaning to be rude.
    jgourley     Watching a spider being milked on TV. I need a life.
    TophHooperton I’M NOT EVEN JOKING A CAT WITH A PINK NECKERCHIEF HAS JUST COME INTO OUR HOUSE.
    jamespjbutler     First prize in my kids’ school raffle is a 1996 Toyota Levin (with mags!). Don’t know whether to laugh or cry.
    NatalieBenning     Just seen 5 women power walking along ponsonby rd with, 2 walking poles each. You’re going to get chai lattes ladies, not climb Everest.
    manikpixi     Decided in Warehouse Stationery office stamps would be better with “motherfucker”: FAXED MOTHERFUCKER; YOUR A/C IS OVERDUE MOTHERFUCKER.
    sbuxRYRY     I can’t help but notice that a lot of the warriors fans are missing teeth…

    I may regret putting these on my website… but VAGISIL
    _AnnyMa     Vagisil… because you’re funky. And not in a good way.
    LadyInDread     I know I always associate vaginal odour (whatever that means) with spagetti bolognese and a glass of wine.
    WendyWings     you haven’t lived until your child has asked you “who is going to be smelling it anyway”

    Parents gone feral
    pinkdeedle     Mum: your tits look like a national geographic cover. Put a bra on for fucks sake.
    NZGeekGirl     Days like today you can understand what makes some species eat their young.

    Kids: Some people really like them!
    not_friends     I love how infectious the pure joy of children is. Spent two hours with my little ladies today, been full of undentable happiness ever since
    paulbrislen     Every morning as they go to school I tell my kids “Come home with a full brain” and they shout back “And an empty lunchbox”. Bliss
    BexieLady     miss 2 brought me breakfast in bed – a bottle of wine. She loves me.

    So those are your tweets of the month! I’m going to start working on the NZ Social Media honours list soon, so keep an eye out when I ask for your votes!