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Best Kiwi Tweets of Christmas 2012

Happy holidays, everyone!

The People of Twitter didn’t let the silly season get to them. Much.

There were gifts
robtreacher I now have incredibly sexy underwear. All I need now is a wax job and 6 months in the gym…
Sportzfreak Those 1000 things to do / see / hear / visit / cook etc before you die books make great gifts. But not for the elderly

We watched some TV
AnnaGConnell Mum and are watching ‘Kendra On Top’. Mum seems to know a lot about her.
TophHooperton ‘To my brother, the richest guy in town’. You may now commence sobbing like a middle aged divorcee. #ItsAWonderfulLife
rarahsobson I am so emotionally invested in this one direction tv documentary.

We ate some food. Mostly Trifle.
joesomething_ Trifle for all meals.
MoataTamaira Trifle breakfast, round 1 underway.
AnnaCoddington At Christmas time your second helping of pudding better be AT LEAST as big as your first was.
dane_0k I’d like to throw a baby shower for my food baby

We drank a little
allstarangel In hindsight six shots of sambuca in six minutes was not the brightest idea I’ve ever had.
_HannahTweets_  I am clearly the drunkest of my family right now because I just sang happy birthday to baby Jesus as “grace” before we ate.
Rageaholic_ I’m about to put the code thing on my phone ….#crhishmis
Stitchpunk …,,a bit sozzled, just quietly..which not stop me having more when we get home….
unstatusfactory Christmas made me drunk.
VickyRF Eggnog is made! Everything from this point on may be a blur.

We had interactions with whanau
toryhipster Cousin’s boyfriend calls himself the Timinator. Fuck. Send help.
Rose_Matafeo “So, have you seen any good film recently” – actual conversation I tried to make with my 3 yr old nephew
hakiclark You’d be proud of me. Uncle asked how I was, told him. “I’m all for counselling” he says. “Tell me how it goes”. So that was unexpected.
Tenani I feel like at Christmas everyone tweets about how weird their family is & in doing so realises since every family is weird none of them are
mattdeevee 1.5 hour Skype session with the family in NZ… 4 generations sharing Christmas at the same time on opposite ends of the world. Priceless!!!
kathadu Wearing a top that is entirely inappropriate for Christmas with the ex. Oh well. It fits and it’s comfy. Merry Cleavage everyone

It was hot
karenhurley 830pm and haven’t started cooking Xmas dinner yet. Too damn hot. Poor kids been surviving on carrots & corn chips.

Some weird stuff went down
I_Am_Artemis My chicken has the right idea, she is fast asleep in the tree.
ashleigh_young Just passed a bunch of people having their Christmas lunch in the middle of a roundabout. Picnic table and umbrella and everything.

And there were some adorkable grinches
MattTaylor HAPPY HALLOWEEN
guywilliamsguy So many people have wished me a “Merry Christmas” this year, I’m feeling a lot of pressure to live up to such high expectations!
terror_nz Goddamn I hate Christmas. Which Santa was never born.
blendy All the boxing day sales emails coming at once are making it easy to unsubscribe from all the annoying mailing lists I’m on.

Enjoy the rest of your holidays,  New Zealand. And for the first time ever, I’ll let Brad have the last word!

Kiwi_Chatter Ngā mihi nui mō te Kirihimete.

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When good internet warriors go bad

By now you will have heard the terrible news about the shooting at the Connecticut primary school.

Not everyone online treated it with the respect the situation deserved. Among those were a handful of Justin Bieber fans, who took to Twitter to express their angst that extended shooting coverage meant that the Biebs would probably not be on the Ellen show that day as planned.

herpderp

Yeah. Pretty thoughtless, eh?

The People of the Internet tend to be pretty good at sorting this level of herpderpery out – tweets came thick and fast, telling the offenders what was going on, how bad it really was, and giving them a little perspective.

However, it wasn’t long before this started to happen [NSFW]:

abuse1 abuse2 abuse3 abuse4 abuse5 abuse6 abuse7 abuse8 abuse9 abuse10

It’s actually part of a wider trend I’ve been noticing lately: Someone is a bit of a dick online, or just says something someone else doesn’t like, and as part of the ‘community service’ of correcting that person, a line is crossed.

In my opinion, in this kind of situation it’s never okay to tell someone you wish they’d get shot, or that they should kill themselves.

I’m reminded of the recent Charlotte Dawson situ – regardless if you felt she was being a jerk or not, there’s no place for telling someone to “neck yourself”. Some of the recent tweets at The Oatmeal after his pathetic rape joke aren’t winning anyone over to the good side. The Pike River memorial Facebook page I help the Grey District Council manage has receiving end of some of the most disgusting stuff you can imagine, from trolls who see a page like that as “grief porn”. A fair number of those trolls genuinely believe they’re correcting a wrong. Some are just dicks.

In the last two days, I’ve seen people tweet to another user that they should drink bleach, get shot in the face, be mutilated to death, and be beaten to a pulp. Just mocking someone can be bad enough without adding threats and inciting to suicide.

I’m not the moral police, I know that. I’m not saying telling people off online is wrong. I’m not even saying that I think swearing at people is wrong. The shooting, in particular, was a highly emotionally-charged situation, and it’s only human to get ragey, upset, frustrated, scared, annoyed. But as humans, I believe we’re called to something bigger than expressing every unfiltered emotion we ever have at a 13-year-old who is being a bit selfish or thoughtless.

Not everyone treats terrible situations with the respect and care they deserve, we can’t control that. But what we can control is how we act towards those people.

Lets not be a part of making a horrible situation worse.

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Top 10 viral hits of 2012

Who doesn’t love a good viral hit – at least for the first week? I’ve collated some of the biggest into this list, in no particular order.

Ridiculously Photogenic Guy
On a sunny March day in South Carolina, Zeddie Little was participating in the Cooper River Bridge run when his picture was snapped by Will King. Will put Zeddie’s photo onto Flickr, and then Reddit where it received more than 40,000 upvotes.

The photo quickly became meme fodder

And Zeddie ran his way into hearts across the world.

Ecce Homo – aka Potato Jesus
Now to the polar opposite of Ridiculously Photogenic Guy: A century-old painting of Jesus was restored by an elderly woman, but comes out of it looking like a potato.

Yeah. It was only a matter of time before this happened:

 

Grumpy cat
What would a top 10 viral list be without an entry about a cat? This one is a cat named Tardar Sauce, who is the unhappiest looking cat you’ll ever see.

Instant viral hit.

Bonus: Here is a video of grumpy cat being patted:

Overly Attached Girlfriend
Meet Laina. She likes you. She really, really likes you.

It all started with this video, which includes the lyrics “If I was your girlfriend, I’d never let you leave without a small recording device taped under your sleeve.“

Which quickly spawned a huge Overly Attached Girlfriend meme!

This grew into Misunderstood Girlfriend

 

Laina’s now done deals with large companies to capitalise on her new-found viral fame. Here’s something she did with Samsung…

You can follow her on Twitter here: https://twitter.com/laina622

 

Dog shaming

2012 was the year we called our dogs out for their terrible behaviour. Dogshaming started as a tumblr in August with this photo:

 

And grew…

And grew!

Kony 2012
The Invisible Children wanted to create a project to focus the world’s attention on capturing African rebel leader Joseph Kony. And boy, did they do that and then some.

If you haven’t seen the video they made, click here.

It’s unusual that a half-hour video would viral, but that it did – nearly 7 million views in 16 days on Vimeo, and 43 million views in 72 hours on YouTube.

Almost immediately, a bunch of celebrities came out in support of the project, #StopKONY became a global trending topic on Twitter, and a critical Tumblr was launched to point out some of the issues with the video and Invisible Children. Debate raged over Kony, what governments should do, and the nature of the Invisible Children organisation

In March, one of Invisible Children’s co-founders was taken into police custody after he started running around San Diego naked, drunk, masturbating and screaming. The incident quickly spawned its own meme.

Kony is still at large.

 

Gangnam Style
The number one most-watched clip on YouTube, causing Beliebers everywhere major heartbreak, is now Gangnam Style, by K-Pop act, Psy.

At the time of writing, the video has 884 million views, and has spawned a “horse riding dance”.

It’s this generation’s Macarena.

Somebody I Used to Know
Featuring our own Kimbra, Goye’s Somebody That I Used to Know rocketed up the charts.

It spawned this amazing version, featuring five people playing the one guitar

…Got historical

…And even the Queen got amongst it

Call Me Maybe
I just met you, and this is crazy. Here’s the video, watch it, maybe?

Carly Rae Jepsen’s hit was technically released in 2011, but didn’t become a viral hit until Justin Bieber, Selena Gomex and Ashley Tisdale released their lip dub tribute in February.

Someone cut a Barack Obama version

As well as the memes and videos, the song even inspired a range of business cards.

 

The Tug Doctor
This one goes out to TV show Target’s carpet cleaner, who spent more time making a mess than cleaning it.

Naturally, the episode set Twitter on fire:

  • “Let’s not be too judgemental until we see what sort of job he’s done on the carpets” cautioned Mike McRoberts
  • “Newton’s Third Law Carpet Cleaning Service. Take a stain, leave a stain.” quipped Ana Coffey
  • “When are we going to find out what score this guy gets out of 10?” enquired @yvettevy
  • “He vacuumed for twice as long as he masturbated. Good effort.” tweeted Chris Brain
  • “Target can I get [that] dudes number? Three times AND he cleaned the carpet? More stamina than most guys I know!” asked Jen Zindel

And the clip prompted this golden video reaction

 

So those are some of the biggest viral hits of 2012 – here’s to 2013!

 

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The worst Facebook updates of 2012

So many people and brands are now gaming for Facebook “engagement” that it’s ruining the platform for a lot of people.

Luckily, not too many of my friends fall for this stuff, but plenty of people have friends who do, so here’s a selection of the more desperate attempts to raise page awareness.

Lets start with this one.

No, I’m going to let my mum die. She knows it, too.

 

Because spamming your mates with crap always makes you lots of money, right? And cos magic.

 

Well played.

 

I liked this four times. It was heaps of fun. Changed my life.

 

The old “vote with a like or a comment” spam. Also if you don’t vote you obviously hate your country and won’t get any pavlova, which totally puts a dampener on my plans to finish an entire one by myself on Christmas day.

 

Not pictured: The “one like=one dollar donated” spam, and the “leave your password in the comments to see what happens!” spam.

DON’T FALL FOR THIS CRAP.

theoatmeal.com knows

 

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The best pop mashups of 2012… So far

One of my favourite things about hitting the end of any year is the year-in-review style music mashups.

They’re coming a little early this year, and while we’re still waiting on DJ Earworm’s anticipated United State of Pop 2012 round up, these are still good offerings.

 
Daniel Kim’s Pop Danthology 2012

Robin Skouteris’ PopLove 2012

Bobby Fisher’s Pop Life

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Best Tweets: November 2012

Time for the best Kiwi Tweets of November! There were a LOT of nominations this month – it’s great to see some fresh faces amongst our regulars! Thanks to everyone who messaged me your favourites.

Parenting Tweets
‏@harvestbird Based on a sample set of two, everyone is teething. You, clearly, are teething. Those buildings there are teething. This desk is teething.
@bobsyauncle I love this time of year & being able to invoke “Santa’s Naughty List” blackmail
@MsKateMcD 7 yr old daughter opens birthday card from grandparents, finds generous birthday cheque. Looks at it, bewildered – “what is it?”
@jamesotron Just rang the phone in the kitchen to tell the 8yo to get dressed so I didn’t have to get up
@delphijunkie Miss 14 is at home studying today. Apparently Spongebob is on the curriculum this year
@CherylBernstein “I always eat the gingerbread man’s head first, Mum, because otherwise he has to watch himself die, which is a bit mean.”

That New Zealand feel
@Atomic_Moog Yes, the Black Caps are playing on Sky Sport tonight RT @lisalooloo70: Is there a Sunday horror?
@BexieLady “I don’t sleep with guys in their cars, the boys I sleep with don’t have cars!” Oh Christchurch, full of great comebacks and class.
@shazndolly when I woke up it was all Trelise and sunny. Now its cloudy and Glassons 🙁
@kebabette The only way I could be more bored by The Hobbit is if it starred Kim Dotcom, Dan Carter, and a big jar of marmite.
@Dovil Hekia Parata should finish off each set of meaningless ramblings with a flourish of jazz hands and a canon shooting glitter.

Stay Classy
@Sidawg2 Saw someone flip the bird to a passing car today and then immediately walk into a pole
@oldmannato I was bringing sexy back this morning, but I didn’t have the receipt and now I’m stuck with all this sexy
@pinkdeedle Got stuck in the toilets at restaurant. Had to text for help. A screwdriver was used. I got a free dessert.
@sonyamanchiraju “Welcome to the family. Here’s your deworming tablet.” – Early days with mother-in-law.
@ryansallan I do NOT recommend chopping chillies then handling genitals….
@BitchAboutDevoWhen i play monopoly i always end up going directly to jail. Maybe its because I’m black?
@antsgardiner I would like to use the same PR agency that dolphins use. Those dudes are badass, calculating, killers, but everyone loves them
@Paj8 In from milking to find note saying “at neighbours having a wine” This usually means takeaways, drunk wife and potential #boomchuckawowowo
@lmfbs I’m on the same pee schedule as another lady from work and I think she thinks I’m stalking her in the toilet.

Movember!
@TwitOnTourNZ Planning My Movember Gala outfit… Question, How long does it take to grow eyebrows back?
@beanbiz There should be a Movember where people who have grown disgraceful moustaches in the past get sponsored not to grow a mo.

Digital Life
@j20r Just got called a “cat googler” on Facebook like it’s some kind of insult
@katemilkshakes The elderly man next to @badtom and my table after dinner: “oh, you don’t need a photo of your glass of water too?”
@Sportzfreak NZ Twitter has been at its best in the last half hour. Ask where some obscure sportsman went to school and half of you know him / his dad.
@CyrisXD I’m changing my Gamertag to “a baby panda” so when people kill me, it’ll say, “You killed a baby panda.” and everyone will hate them.
@KendallForbes Sometimes the “similar to you” twitter suggestions are a little offensive.

 

Old Mout Cider

 

This month the Old Mout Cider has to go to @TwitOnTourNZ for all his fantastic work with Movember – Angus raised over $6,000! Well done, mate. Enjoy the cider – you really deserve it.

 

 

Just as an aside, I’d like to say a big THANK YOU to websam for all the amazing work he’s done on NZ Secret Santa. It’s been a huge effort on Sam’s part, and an awesome thing to be a part of.

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Facebook blocked me for something a co-admin did

Last night I was using Facebook when the platform automatically logged me out. When I logged back in, I  got a message that this was my second warning for posting material that violated Facebook’s policies – namely that I or someone who co-admins a page I manage had left a comment that was against community standards. I had a 24 hour ban.

Not to put too fine a point on it, but I had been banned from Facebook for something someone else had posted.

So what did the co-admin post that saw every single page admin booted out, and me banned? A racist idiot had taken to the page, posting vitriol. It had upset the community, and a page admin, in a manner befitting the brand, called the person a “racist nut sack”. Someone must have complained, and we all got booted.

I’ve seen people say much worse. I’ve seen entire pages set up to harass and hate, have complained to Facebook and been told it doesn’t warrant removal. This makes no sense.

As you can imagine, working today has been problematic. I can log in, but not do much.

 

You know what else is bad about this situation? Trying to get help from Facebook. I go to the “learn more” section, am advised to lodge an appeal.

“If you did not posted…” #engrish

Meanwhile, if you click on the appeal link, it takes you here:

That’s right: It tells you to go back to the help centre. Where you will advised to lodge an appeal. Where you are told to go back to the help centre.

So page admins be warned: You can and will be punished for comments made by co-admins, even if that admin is telling someone off for offensive content.

 

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Best tweets: October 2012

It is that time again – the best Kiwi tweets of the month: October 2012 edition!

Bus Tweets
@toryhipster Pro tips to freak out people staring at your from their bus as you wait for yours: make eye contact. Lick your lips continually.
@RachelRayner Teen at bus stop looked at my outfit-full skirt to beehive ‘do-not with scorn but with trepidation, as if worried she’s missed a style memo.
@gossip_dork “catching a bus is like timesharing a stretch limo” – things I tell myself to avoid suicide

TV Tweets
@formerlydaniels That was so nice of Ben Stiller to do the Energywise ads
@damianchristie The shopping channel reminds me of a game where you give someone a bunch of P then get them to talk about some crap they found in a drawer.
@KerreWoodham Dear Santa let’s make it easier for you this year – NOTHING from the Shopping Channel.
@DawgBelly Lets make it a rule, whoever votes in #nzgt can’t vote in the general election.

Welcome to Auckland
@josiecampbell I’ve been looking for a house for almost a week now, and I still haven’t found one. Getting into the property market is hard!
@TophHooperton Pull up at a red light. Man in the next car leans out the window for a cheeky vom. Welcome to Henderson.
@ginblossom If you did the Auckland Marathon this morning, well done. I’ve just woken up, so we’ve all achieved something today.

Welcome to Christchurch
@beckeleven Just saw people in the park doing sit ups with a hunk of rubble as the extra ballast.

Stay classy, New Zealand
@lmfbs I dropped a bottle of ranch sauce & it broke. The smell make me throw up in my dishwasher. So, how do you clean puke out of a dishwasher?
@eliterate Small boy wants to know what the ducks are doing. Ahem. It’s spring. They are… ducking.
@CyrisXD Ironically the Weight Watchers website requires you to have cookies disabled.
@Mellyski I haven’t closed my curtains in my room in months, I change in my room. Peeping toms who are into flat chested midgets would love it.
@rosiecd Mr 2 just did a fart so big he turned round and checked floor behind him.
@vegrandis Even when you’re having an ugly fat day remember,there’s always a pervert out there, touching himself in the bushes who’ll find u attractive
@AnnaGConnell Have a thigh high split up one side of my muumuu. Basically Angelina Jolie right now.

Stay classy, Facebook
‏@paulbrislen for some reason Facebook thinks I’d be interested in lingerie. I hardly ever WEAR lingerie so I’m puzzled.
@nikkitheknitter Haaaaahahaha Watching someone on FB give unsolicited advice to 40 wks pregnant woman. Explosion of rage in 3…. 2…. 1…
@TophHooperton I just hid a Facebook ad for rubber shoes with individual toes for being sexually explicit.

Stay classy, PinkDeedle
@pinkdeedle Catholic upbringing 0. Libido 2.
@pinkdeedle Honestly. Third iPhone lost to toilet.
@pinkdeedle I’m like “ha ha 2 year old I tricked you into having medicine” she’s all “ha ha joke’s on you I threw it all up in bed”.

 

Old Mout Cider

 

Sending the Old Mout Cider prize pack @beckeleven‘s way this month – living in a hap-hazard earthquake zone sucks, but cider is awesome. Sorted.

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Dear 20-year-old Me

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about all the time I wasted when I was younger. I wish I could go back ten years and tell myself all the things I know now.

It seems I’m not alone in that.

I put a call out on Twitter, explaining I was writing this blog and was there anything you’d say to 20-year-old you? I got about 50 replies in a matter of minutes! I’m sorry I couldn’t put them all up here – there were many beautiful thoughts, and a few themes emerged. See if you can pick them…

Dear 20-year-old Tara, save some money. even if its just a little.
Dear 20-year-old ‏Aimee, don’t rush into a serious relationship – enjoy being single!
Dear 20-year-old Anna, say thank you. And AVOID DEBT.
Dear 20-year-old Amy, don’t quit uni.
Dear 20-year-old Steve, your 20’s will be gone in a flash. Enjoy yourself, it’s later than you think.
Dear 20-year-old Chris, stay up all night. When you’re older you won’t be able to do it and recover.
Dear 20-year-old Kimi, don’t be afraid to fuck it up, just make sure you learn from it.
Dear 20-year-old J, don’t get a credit card, let alone three.
Dear 20-year-old Allen, plan for the future, then toss out those plans and enjoy the now. Life flies by too quickly!
Dear 20-year-old Kevin, the next 10 years are really going to suck – try to make the most of it, but don’t marry the lesbian. Also, buy shares in Apple.
Dear 20-year-old Orchid, don’t get credit cards or loans because they hold you back.
Dear 20-year-old Matt, take your guns to town, son, don’t leave your guns at home
Dear 20-year-old Nick, don’t propose.
Dear 20-year-old Kat, your flatmate is bad news. Move out before she ruins you. Punch her in the ovaries first.
Dear 20-year-old Josh, get a girlfriend, loser.
Dear 20-year-old Simon, get your act together and don’t miss opportunities.
Dear 20-year-old Stu, listen to your parents. They have lived life and know what’s in store.
Dear 20-year-old Vince, You can be indecisive about ‘work’. DON’T be indecisive about relationships. Work less, holiday more.
Dear 20-year-old Keith, don’t get pissed on your 21st.
Dear 20-year-old Lorne, no credits cards.
Dear 20-year-old Nick, don’t forget to floss. Teeth are expensive.
Dear 20-year-old NF, it’s going to get worse, but then it’s going to get much, much better. Then worse again, but that’ll be okay.
Dear 20-year-old Janine, PLEASE go see as much of the world as you can – broaden your horizons. Being RESPECTFUL of the cultures and the places you visit.
Dear 20-year-old Katherine, uni will always be there. Take the chances you’re given and explore… the world… other employment opps.
Dear 20-year-old Becs, life is not supposed to be shit. Seek professional help.
Dear 20-year-old Alexandra, buy more shares now, don’t be afraid to tell people you love them & wear sunscreen.
Dear 20-year-old Andrea, no one is judging you except you
Dear 20-year-old Sam, you shouldn’t have given any fucks.
Dear 20-year-old Danielle, you’re 20, so you are obviously totally cute. Stop worrying about it.
Dear 20-year-old Stacey, you are a fucking rockstar. stop apologising and stop letting other people tell you what you should be.

If you’re not picking up what we’re putting down: Here it is…

Respect yourself and others. Don’t be a dick with your heart, or with money. Listen to your gut. Be kind to yourself.

And as for 20-year-old Cate? All of the above, plus she needs to know that things really will be okay.

Cos they will be.

Feeling brave? Please add your “Dear 20-year-old me” to the comments. x

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My Bucket List

When I turned 30, I got my arm inked. It’s something I wanted to do for years, but wasn’t brave enough. Now it’s 80% done, I’m so pleased and proud that I did it!

It’s made me think though, what else is on the to-do list? Why don’t I get stuck in?

So here it is: My unfinished, ever-growing Bucket List.

  • Buy a piece of art that makes my toes curl with happiness.
  • Go on a cruise through the Mediterranean.
  • New York needs it’s own list: Enjoy a bagel in Central Park, re-enact Sleepless In Seattle up the Empire State, visit Tiffany’s, see the Statue of Liberty, get my photo taken with bad-ass homies, eat New York pizza, catch a Broadway show, NYE in Times Square.
  • Wee on the Hollywood sign.
  • Meet Midget Elvis in Vegas.
  • Mardi Gras in New Orleans, yo!
  • Marry my best friend.
  • Learn to play guitar. Properly. Rock out.
  • Befriend an old person. Make their life magical.
  • Sort my fingernails out.
  • Introduce a child to Pop Rocks. Video them. Put it on YouTube. Get 100,000 views.
  • Pompeii.
  • Ride a mechanical bull.
  • Shave my head.
  • Help to make someone else’s dream come true.
  • Acquire a set of Crown Lynn pink polkadot plates like my grandmother had.
  • Send a postsecret in to postsecret

Some awesome things I’ve already done:

  • Drunk a pint in a tiny Irish pub, goaded on by tiny Irish men.
  • Made it into The Sun for ‘stalking’ a pop singer. Long story.
  • Visited [the outside of] Anne Frank’s house.
  • Reverse bungy. Didn’t lose my lunch.
  • Taken a rickshaw through Singapore.
  • Loved and lost.
  • Full arm tattooooooooooo!
  • Gone 230km/h in a car.
  • Been on TV in at least four countries.
  • Ridden the London Eye.
  • Pole danced while eating fried chicken.

So… Suggestions for what I might add?